Love Remains The Same
by frayedattheends
Summary: Brittany and Santana struggled to stay close during Brittany's senior year, and they both begin down separate paths in their lives. While everything can change...some things never do. Six years later...
1. Prologue

Prologue

It had been the most amazing day of Brittany's life, and she couldn't stop smiling. She _graduated_. She graduated higher than the bottom of her class instead of just barely scraping by. It was such an accomplishment for herself, and all she wanted to do was soak up the day and have it never end. All of her friends that graduated the year before were there which only made the day even more special.

There was an impromptu Glee club gathering after graduation with all of the current and old club members. They sang, they laughed, they celebrated, and Brittany was on cloud eight. She would have been on cloud nine, but Santana was there too and their friendship still wasn't perfect. In fact they had sat on opposite sides of the classroom and kept their space from one another; just as it had been all year. Brittany didn't know how to make that awkwardness go away, and a part of her didn't feel like trying. It was her day. She just wanted to enjoy it.

Later that night there was a huge party at Sugar's house and everyone was there. Brittany spent more time going around talking to all of her friends than she did drinking, at first. Until she and Santana came face to face.

The party was mostly outside around Sugar's pool and the two girls met beneath a giant tree. The branches kept out some of the lights that lit up the yard, and shadows curled around Santana in that perfect way that reminded Brittany of what she looked like in the dark. Old feelings beat at her heart and she swallowed.

"Hi," was all she could muster.

"Hey," Santana replied softly, a smile coming to her lips.

It was a smile Brittany loved. One she considered hers. Small and soft, like she didn't want anyone else but Brittany to know her happiness. She used to wear it a lot. Britt pulled her eyes from the smile and focused on returning it. Awkward or no, Santana was still...well, Santana. Calling her her 'best friend' felt a little strained by then. When Brittany didn't say anything else, Santana reached out for her wrist. Britt felt her heart jump at the touch and she looked down before meeting Santana's eyes.

"Can we talk?" Santana asked. "I mean like...away from all of this?"

"Yeah," Brittany nodded, her voice low.

Santana dropped her wrist and turned to walk through the yard. Brittany could only follow. Again. How often did they reverse those roles? One following the other. She had been walking on her own the entire year, and it felt weird to be on Santana's heels again. They stopped at the refreshments table where Santana obviously needed some liquid courage, because she grabbed a bottle of rum and continued on.

Brittany followed her into the house and upstairs as she tried to keep up. There were so many people who wanted to stop her and congratulate her, but her focus was on following Santana. (And she really couldn't stop her eyes from lingering on how perfect Santana's ass looked in that short dress. It was still a perfect, gorgeous body that she still appreciated.) After many stairs and long hallways, they found their way into an empty room. A bedroom. It was too clean and perfect to be anything but a guest room. Probably one of many in the Motta house.

Santana closed the door behind them and leaned back against it as she looked all around the room; anywhere but at Brittany. Britt perched herself on the edge of the bed and studied the girl she knew better than she knew anyone else. There were so many words between them that should have been said over the year but weren't. So many chances to fix everything, and so much that they missed out on. She didn't know what to say so she chose to be quiet. She knew Santana would speak when she was ready.

The other girl opened the bottle of rum she had taken and swallowed a long gulp of it before she handed it out to Brittany. She got up to take it and also took a sip. She enjoyed the warmth that overtook her, and it calmed down the fluttering in her stomach. A little bit. She still watched Santana, waiting.

"I hate when you stare at me like that," Santana said, her voice still low as it had been outside.

"Why?"

"Because I like it too much," she shrugged.

Brittany frowned a bit at the contradiction. "Oh...okay."

"Have I told you yet how proud of you I am?" Santana changed the subject and met her eyes, that familiar warmth and adoration already creeping into her gaze. Brittany always felt like a puddle to that look. "Because I am. God, Britt...you did it. I knew you would, but..." A grin bloomed on her lips and her head shook. "You..."

"What?" Brittany's voice was still soft as well, as she wondered in slight worry what was coming after that 'you'.

"You amaze me," Santana finished. Her smile had faded again, and she was back in that place that was scared of being truthful. Britt knew it all too well, and could tell it just from the look in her eyes.

"I do?" Her lips turned up and her cheeks flushed as she looked down.

Santana took another pull from the bottle and nodded without taking her eyes off of Brittany. "You do. ...Here." She held out the rum again, and Brittany took it once more as their eyes met. They stood there for a long time in silence, their eyes connected, as they passed the bottle back and forth a few times.

The blonde was the first to break it. "I missed you so much this year, San," she said, and her voice cracked. She didn't want it to do that. She wanted to be strong like she'd had to learn to be. She wanted Santana to think she was fine, even though a large part of her still wasn't. How could she ever be completely okay when she didn't have her best friend anymore?

"I missed you too," she replied with a nod. Something shaded over slightly in her eyes when Brittany's voice broke, and Britt immediately felt guilty. "It's not your fault," Santana added quickly, as though she knew exactly what the other girl was thinking. "We both...it was different."

Brittany nodded, but she didn't want to talk about that. She didn't want to be sad on such a happy day. It was the first day that she could call the happiest of her life that had nothing to do with the person standing in front of her. It was a day that she made all on her own. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"No." Santana shook her head and took a deep breath. "I'm...I'm heading to New York. I'm not going back for my Sophomore year. It's just...not what I want." She avoided Brittany's eyes and drummed her fingers against the bottle in her hands.

"I think that's great," Brittany said as her face lit up in a smile. She always wanted Santana to want the best for herself, just like she did. She had so much faith in Santana it was ridiculous. "Do you know what you're going to do?"

"I...don't know. Rachel and Kurt said I could stay with them for a little while, but I won't be able to stand that without killing them for too long. So, I guess find a job and look for somewhere to live. I still have the money my parents gave me, so..." She shrugged.

"I'm glad you're doing that, San. Really I am." She couldn't look at Santana with anything but love and support in her gaze. It made her ache a little though. That was something they had always talked about for their future; to run away to New York together. Of course that had been _before_.

"H-have you decided what you're doing?"

"I'm going to L.A." She said the words carefully, unsure how it would be taken. It still felt odd to say it out loud. "Puck needs a roommate, and...Mercedes said I could stay with her, but she has roommates already." She watched disappointment cross over Santana's face before it was pushed away for amusement.

"You're gonna live with _Puck_?"

"He offered, and he's not so bad."

"Are you going to dance?"

Brittany took a pause before she answered. "No."

"No?" Santana didn't bother to hide her surprise. "Why not?"

"I want to try something else, I think. Keep dance as something I love, but...I don't know. I could do anything I want."

Santana nodded. "Of course you can. You're amazing."

"I'm a little scared," she admitted as she looked down again.

"You shouldn't be. You're...the best person I've ever known, Britt. You'll make it all happen."

She looked up at those words, a thankful smile on her lips. She didn't have to say so. "I think you're amazing, too. New York won't know what hit them."

"Yeah.." There was another long beat of silence. "You're off to L.A. and I'm off to New York. Did you ever think it would happen like this?" There was a sadness in that question, and Brittany understood completely.

"No. I thought we'd always be together," she answered honestly.

"Me too," Santana nodded, a tear escaping her eye. "I'm-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry everything changed, and that...that we didn't..."

As much as it hurt, all Brittany wanted to do was comfort Santana in that moment. Just as it always had been. She stepped towards the door that the other girl was still leaned against and reached up to brush that stray tear away.

"I'm sorry too," she whispered.

Santana met her eyes. "You're still..." Her voice shook harder as more tears welled up in her gaze.

"I know. You're still...for me, too." Brittany didn't know what the ending of that statement was, but she knew that it encompassed everything. It always had. She let her touch draw down against Santana's cheek, and her thumb brushed her jaw.

She never knew who moved first, but in the next moment they were kissing. Brittany moved the bottle from between them and set it on the dresser beside them before wrapping her arms around Santana tightly, and she felt Santana melt into her hold. She didn't know if Santana was dating anyone at the time, and Santana didn't know the same for her, but the thought was so far from that room and that moment.

Brittany felt Santana's hands on her hips and the feeling had her pushing her ex back into the door behind them. Their mouths worked fast and hard against each other as though they sought out every last kiss that they had missed that year. As though they needed to remember what the other tasted like. Brittany never once thought she would forget that taste, but maybe she had. Maybe she had pushed it away so she wouldn't _have_ to remember. It was good though. It was perfect, and good, and Santana.

Hands moved up Brittany's back and fingered the zipper on her dress, and she didn't push them away. Her own hands were too busy reminding themselves of the curves and lines of Santana's body. She knew it all. She knew each spot and every place that made the brunette shake in her arms. She knew if she touched right there, while pressing her thigh right there, that she would be rewarded with a soft moan against her lips. She had missed that sound so much.

She felt Santana pulling at her zipper, and it took all of her strength to pull back and put some space between them. "San," she whispered.

"_Please_, Britt-Britt." The voice was low, needy. "I want you."

"I want you too," Brittany replied under her breath. "Slow. Can we go slow?" She opened her eyes to find Santana's, and those brown eyes met hers with a quick nod.

"Slow," she repeated.

As hard as it was to stop touching her and pull their bodies any further apart, Brittany stepped back. "I want to watch all of your clothes come off," she said, her heart pounding. "And I want to kiss you everywhere."

Santana visibly trembled where she was leaned against the door, but nodded. "Me too."

* * *

They lay on the on their sides on the bed facing each other and Brittany let her fingers dance slowly against Santana's hip while Santana lazily kissed her neck. Neither said anything for a long time, they just kept close and continued to touch each other as the humming of their bodies faded. After awhile Santana leaned back a bit to look at Brittany. Brittany looked back and waited for her to say something, but she didn't. She didn't have to. They didn't need words to talk, and they never really had. Some things didn't change.

She knew. They both knew. They would say they would keep in touch, and they would try, but it would still be too hard. They were still where they started at the beginning of the school year, only further apart. Both geographically and emotionally. They had spent too much of that year apart, starting down separate roads, and there was no reversing. Their eyes raced back and forth at each other for a long time, and then Santana leaned in to curl up against Brittany.

"You're still..." she murmured into the blonde's skin.

"So are you," Brittany choked out, holding her tight. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the tears to stay in, and trying so hard not to say the words on the tip of her tongue. Not that it mattered. Neither one of them had to say it.

_I love you._


	2. Chapter One

Brittany had just gotten in the front door and kicked off her shoes when her cell went off. She fumbled for it in her pocket while also juggling the mail in her hands and her keys. Everything but the phone fell to the floor and she sighed as she glanced at the caller ID and answered.

"Hi Mercedes."

"Did you hear?!"

"Hear what?" She asked with a frown. She bent over to pick up the mail and started to sort through it. Hers, Puck, hers, hers, hers, Puck-

"Ms. Holliday died."

"_What?_"

"Sam just got off the phone with Finn, and I guess Shue called Finn before that."

Brittany moved over to the couch and sat down. "What happened?"

"Car accident. Did you know she was back in Lima?"

"No..." Brittany had a hard time taking the news in. She didn't know a lot of people who died, at least not people she knew really well. And Ms. Holliday was so closely linked in her mind to home, and to high school, and to- _She had a sudden image of sitting in a darkened classroom with Ms. Holliday and Santana_... No. She pushed that away. She always pushed those things away.

"Well listen girl, I just wanted to fill you in. I'm on my way in to the studio. Her parents are havin' her brought back to their hometown for the funeral, but Shue's puttin' on a memorial service for her at McKinley. He's gonna email all of us to invite us, and I think he wants us all to perform. Thought you should have a heads up."

"O-okay," she replied, nodding slowly even though her friend couldn't see it.

"I'll holla at you later, kay?"

"Sure." Brittany hung up and looked down at the phone in her hand. She wasn't sure what or how to feel. Aside from the obvious memories the woman's name brought up, Brittany had really liked Ms. Holliday. She knew without a doubt she had to go back for the memorial service.

The front door banged open and Puck came barging in smelling like a hard day's work. He was already stripping his shirt over his head as he passed through the living room. Brittany was used to it.

"Yo, Britt. Let's get our hotness on and go pick up chicks. I'm feelin' lucky tonight." Brittany didn't respond, and when he got his shirt off he looked at her and stopped. "What? You wanna get a dude instead?"

"Ms. Holliday died," she said softly.

"You're shitting me."

"No." Her head shook and she looked up at him with big, wide eyes.

"Talk about a mood killer..." He scratched his head and thought about it for a moment, then moved over to sit beside her. "You okay?"

She wanted to nod and to tell him she was fine, but she couldn't. He knew her too well for her to lie to him. "She helped me and Santana when..." The words got caught in her throat and she bit down on her bottom lip pretty hard. Puck reached an arm around her and she dropped her head to his shoulder.

"And she was really hot," he added.

Brittany closed her eyes and tried to bite back her smile, but then the overpowering scent of Puck hit her and she jumped away from him. "Oh my god, go shower."

"What, you don't like Eau De Puck?" He grinned and held his pit up to her. "I know your kinks Brittany S. Pierce. Love it. _Love_. _It_.

She screeched and clambered to the other side of the couch. "No! Stop!"

"You get off lucky today," he said as he got to his feet. "Special circumstances and all. Next time, be ready for a battle." He walked off down the hall and she stuck her tongue out as his back. "Don't think I didn't see that," he called.

She really couldn't figure out how he always knew that.

* * *

Two days later Sam and Mercedes were sitting on the couch in Brittany and Puck's apartment, and Puck was in his room packing. It hadn't taken Britt long to pack at all. She was more concerned with actually getting to Lima over what she would wear while she was there. The four had a flight booked for just after noon. They would get into town with time to settle in and change before dinner with everyone else.

Brittany had been curled up in the arm chair by the patio door for most of the morning, and she was lost staring out of it. She welcomed her friends when they arrived, but the glass door kept pulling her attention away. Mercedes kept looking Brittany's way, but Sam gave her a look and shook his head. She didn't really listen to Sam often.

"You doin' okay, Britt?" She finally asked.

The blonde turned to her friends and gave them a weak smile. "Yeah, fine. I was just thinking I might bring my old Cheerios uniform, just...because. I don't know if I'd still fit in it though."

"Go try it on," Mercedes prompted. "Call me in and I'll tell ya how it looks."

"Okay." Brittany unwrapped herself from the chair and padded off to her room. She could hear Puck still thrashing around in his room through the wall that connected them and she rapped on it three times. She knew he'd get the idea to hurry up. She went into her closet and pulled her old cheerleader uniform out of the back and studied it as she laid it out on her bed. There were so many memories that came with that uniform. So many memories that came with everything they were about to do.

When she had the uniform on she called Mercedes in. The other girl came in and shut the door behind herself as she gave Brittany a once over. "You_ still_ got the bod for that," she nodded approvingly. "Maybe even more now. How does it feel?"

Brittany sat down on her bed. "Is she going to be there?" The question that had been running through her mind for two days straight finally popped out.

Mercedes didn't need to ask who or what. More than likely all three had been expecting the question. "Yeah, she is." She moved over and sat beside Brittany. "You gonna be okay with it?"

"I have to be," she shrugged. She looked down and played with a pleat on her skirt. "It's for Ms. Holliday."

"It'll be okay, I promise. And we'll all be there for you. Any time you need to get away we'll get away."

She smiled gratefully at her friend and nodded. "Thanks Mercedes."

"Now get your bony white butt up in some regular clothes. I am _not_ travelin' with you in that."

* * *

Santana stopped in her tracks right before the airport's double doors as they whooshed open and gave her a lungful of Lima's air. Quinn nearly ran right into her. "Breaks much?"

"I can't do it." Santana shook her head and walked over to a chain of hard seats, wheeling her suitcase behind her. She plopped down and sat there stiffly as she stared ahead in almost a trance. Quinn rolled her eyes and followed her over.

"Yes, you can."

"No. No, I shouldn't have even come. I mean she was just a substitute. It's not like I'd even come back for Shue's funeral." It was a total lie and they both knew it. "You know? You go. I'll go back to New York and-"

"You will not," Quinn said firmly. "This is going to be weird for me too, and we said we'd have each other's backs. Who will have my back if you leave?" Quinn placed a perfectly manicured hand on her hip and gave Santana a look that said not to mess with her. Santana, never bothered by Quinn's looks, stared straight back up at her.

"Rachel."

"I'm willing to admit I don't dislike Rachel now as much as I did when we were younger, but she's still not the person I'd want looking out for me during all of this. Come _on_, Santana. Are you really going to let the idea of seeing Brittany-"

"Saying it like that makes me sound pitiful," Santana snapped.

"You said so, not me."

"I'm not pitiful."

"Keep going..."

"I can handle this." She stood up. "I can handle seeing all of them, and I can handle seeing Br-...her. It's nothing. All in the past."

Quinn just sighed and dropped her hand from her waist. "Can we go now?"

"Yeah, let's go." Santana grabbed her suitcase and started for the doors again. She powered out them like she was on a mission and didn't stop until they got to the curb where her mother was to pick them up. She kept her eyes on the cars for the right one, but worry still scratched at the back of her mind. She gnawed on the inside of her cheek. Quinn watched this for a moment before softening and leaning in with a light shoulder bump.

"She's pretty much the same old Brittany. She's harmless."

Same old Brittany. That meant the same girl Santana had been completely in love with, and the same girl that had been her best friend for years. "That's what I'm afraid of," she said under her breath. She blinked away the foggy memories of the last time she saw the girl, the two of them working through a bottle of rum and a year's worth of pent up lust, and the following morning when she woke up hungover and alone. Not even a goodbye.

* * *

Brittany couldn't keep her knee still on the airplane. She couldn't keep her mind still either, but that was nothing new. She didn't even realize her knee was bouncing until a hand came down on it. She looked over at Puck and grimaced. "Sorry."

"Will you chill? Do we need to get you some mile-high action to relax you?"

She shook her head, not even bothering to roll her eyes. She was used to everything that came out of Puck's mouth. Her hand fell over his on her knee and she threaded her fingers through his. He held onto them in a tight squeeze, and when she met his eyes they were soft and encouraging.

"You've got this," he nodded.

She watched him, watched his eyes, and not for the first time she paused to wonder just how the hell they had become such good friends. She supposed that was what happened when you live with someone for long enough, but Puck? He was never someone she would imagine to become one of her best friends. He got her in a way that most of the world didn't, and he had his own ways of helping her. She gave him a half smile.

"You think?"

"I know, babe. You're badass."

The little smile grew and she bumped her head to his shoulder as her cheeks went red. "Thanks," she sighed.

Puck just leaned back and let her rest against him, not letting go of her hand. "Besides, she's gonna take one look at you and wonder how the hell she ever let you get away. And I'm gonna be like, 'Oh my girl, Britt? Yeah, she gets crazy tail every weekend. I gotta beat the chicks away from her. She steals all of mine!'"

Brittany just laughed at that. "Lies."

"Not like she'll know."

"I'm not trying to make her jealous. I just want to get through the weekend."

"Then we'll get through it," he nodded, his tone going more serious again.

She closed her eyes and repeated those words in her head. She reminded herself that she could do anything, that she could make it through, and that the weekend was about remembering someone special. It wasn't about Santana. It wasn't about her fear of seeing her old best friend again, or the way her heart still pounded out of control when she thought of her, and it definitely wasn't about the last time they saw each other. She had moved on. It was all behind her.

"It's been five years," she mused softly. Five years since she had graduated, and five years since she had seen Santana.

* * *

Quinn and Santana unloaded their suitcases in front of Santana's parent's home and Santana paused to stare up at it. It was so odd how life changed, especially after high school. She once thought she had it all, knew it all. God how wrong she had been.

The two carried their things inside, and Quinn settled into the guest room while Santana wheeled her luggage into her old room. She stopped and stared around her room slowly. It had changed. _She_ had changed it. Every time she had come home she removed more pieces of her history, especially her history with Brittany, and made her room less personal. Less her. It was hard enough every time she came to visit to not be bombarded with memories, she needed that space to feel different. Too much had happened there. Too much _hadn't_ happened there.

The only real memento that she had left was the picture from her senior prom, which sat on her desk. So many times she had wanted to take it down or pack it away, but she never could. Every time she lifted it up she found herself setting it right back down. It had been one of the happiest nights of her life. She picked it up for the millionth time and ran her fingers around it to collect the dust. Her touch lingered over her younger smile, and Brittany's smile, and something deep inside of her ached.

"Five years," she murmured to herself. "When the hell did that happen?"


	3. Chapter Two

Santana was quiet on the drive over to Will and Emma's house. She was glad that Quinn didn't push her to talk. She tried to concentrate on the road and the directions, but her mind was all over the place. She had been just as shocked as everyone else when she heard the news, and as they days led up to her arrival in Lima she still hadn't processed it. None of them really had. Ms. Holliday had always been so...lively. Santana had admired her, as crazy as the woman could be.

She remembered how scared she had been to go to the teacher with Brittany and ask for her advice. Ask why she felt the things she felt, and what that meant for her. She really had the woman to thank for the brief time she and Brittany had gotten to enjoy their relationship out in the open. Until she screwed it all up of course.

But she never did forget what Ms. Holliday did for them, and she couldn't remember if she had ever thanked the woman properly. Did Ms. Holliday really know how much that had meant to her? To both of them? Not only had it given her time with Brittany, but it led her on the path to accepting herself. To become the woman she was that day. Santana shook her head to herself. Why had she wasted so long being a bitch and being scared? If she could have just...if Ms. Holliday had understood...

She had to pull over. The emotions were too much for her all at once and she felt herself shaking. That familiar feeling where her body wanted to cry and her mind fought back. She hated it.

"Santana? What's wrong?" Quinn turned to look at her friend as the car stopped.

"I.." Her head still shook as she put the car into park and looked back to Quinn. The years had made it harder for her to hold in her emotions, and she already felt the tears start to spill over. "I don't know if I ever thanked her."

Quinn reached up and brushed Santana's hair back comfortingly. "Thanked who?"

The brunette brought the back of her hand up to her eyes to wipe them, then grabbed a fast food napkin and wiped her nose. "Ms. Holliday. She helped me come out with my feelings for Brittany, and...she sang that song with us, and...what if she didn't know what that meant to me?"

"I'm sure she knew. She wouldn't have helped you if she didn't realize what it could mean for you. Even if _you_ didn't know at the time, I think she did."

"I just...I just can't believe that she's gone. I-I always had this image that-" She stopped and shook her head, a rueful smile on her lips. "It's stupid. Especially now."

Quinn frowned, her hand having moved to Santana's arm. "Nothing's stupid. What did you imagine?"

Santana looked down at her hands. She felt silly over it, especially because it was still something she thought about. Still something she hadn't let go of. She moistened her lips and kept her gaze down, she couldn't look Quinn in the eye for those words. "I always figured that one day...when Britt and I got married...we'd have Ms. Holliday there, and...and we'd tell everyone that she was the reason we made it there." She paused before shaking her head again. "Like I said, stupid."

The other girl's arms went around Santana immediately and pulled her into a hug, despite the awkward angle. "That's not stupid," she said softly. "Not at all."

Santana dropped her head to Quinn's shoulder and grasped onto her friend tight as she let the tears out. She wasn't sure anymore if she was crying for Ms. Holliday or crying again over her loss of Brittany, but whatever it was needed to come out. So for once she let it.

* * *

Brittany stood a little awkwardly in Will Shuester's living room and looked around at all the people she didn't know. He had invited other former and current Glee club members over as well, and she didn't know more than half of them. So far the only people that were there from her years were the three she had traveled with, and she saw them all the time.

She wasn't good with new people. She had always had a shyness and an awkwardness in new situations, and when she was the focus of attention. For some reason that had always gone away when she was performing; be it dance, Glee club, or cheerleading. Or with Santana. Santana had always been her buffer to make her feel less awkward and less shy. She supposed it was why things sometimes popped out of her mouth that she intended to keep as thoughts, or why the wrong words occasionally came off her lips. Sure, she'd had learning difficulties too, but a lot of what people considered her stupidity was more her anxiety than her actual brain.

And right then she was in a room full of people she didn't know, and she wasn't sure how to handle it. Sam must have noticed, because he appeared at her side and touched her elbow lightly. He leaned into her ear and whispered, "Just imagine them all in their underwear."

She blinked a few times and looked up at him. Her reply came out louder than she intended. "I don't want to see them in their underwear, they're not very attractive." She saw Sam's eyes close for a moment as he tried not to smile, and she realized what she had done. Her cheeks brightened and she glanced around the room again. Everyone was looking at her. "_The Simpsons_," she said evenly. "They should always wear clothes." When everyone stared at her in that way people usually do after she says something awkward, then looked away, she sighed and looked up at Sam again. "Thanks anyway."

"Relax," he said with a chuckle. "Team L.A. is here and fierce."

"Did you make that up?" It really didn't sound like Sam's words.

"No," he admitted with a little shrug. "Mercedes did."

"Okay," she nodded and took a deep breath. "Mercedes is right, though. Team L.A." She held up a fist to her blonde BFF and he grinned and met her with a fistbump.

"Look who I found," Emma said after the doorbell had rung again. Brittany spun around and shrieked when she saw Tina and Mike, and a tiny two year old boy on Mike's back. She ran over and threw her arms around her friends, giving Mike and extra long and tight hug.

"M.J. has gotten so big!" She grinned at the little boy and waved, but the child buried his face in his father's shoulder.

"He's really shy," Mike said with a glance at his wife. "Wonder where he got it from."

Tina shrugged. "Just be glad he got my looks, too."

Brittany laughed and bounced a bit where she stood. She was so excited to see her friends. She hadn't seen them in almost a year, and that was too long for her. She was someone that liked seeing all of her old friends as often as she could, even though it never was often. "He's the cutest thing ever," she said with a grin.

"Whassup party people?" A voice came from behind the Changs, and the couple parted to look behind themselves. Everyone grinned when they saw Artie roll into the room.

"Artie!" Brittany jumped into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Oof! Britt, warn me next time," he said. Though he really shouldn't have been surprised considering that was how she always greeted him. Ex-boyfriend or not, and despite how it ended between them, Brittany still had a special place in her heart for Artie. She kissed him on the cheek.

"It's so good to see you," she said brightly.

"You too," he replied affectionately. His arm went around her as he shook hands with their other friends. "I hate how we had to come together, but it's great to see everyone in one place."

There was a slight commotion at the door and looked towards the hallway. They couldn't see, but they could hear.

"Rachel, I really don't think we're gonna need the karaoke machine."

"You never know, Finn. Someone might get the urge to belt out a song to memorialize the beautiful teacher we're here to celebrate."

"That's what the_ service_ is for," another voice put in.

"Kurt, I wish you would be on my side just once."

"Let's just leave it here in the hallway, and if we need it we'll come get it," yet another voice chimed in.

"My Blaine, always so wise."

Brittany and her group exchanged looks full of eye rolls and smiles. Some things never changed.

* * *

Nearly everyone from Brittany's years in the club had arrived, and they were all in a clump in the kitchen with Will. Brittany's eyes were on the clock. Everyone had been told to arrive around six, and it was almost seven. She wondered if that meant Santana wasn't coming. She knew Quinn had planned to arrive in Lima with Santana, and stay at Santana's, but she hadn't heard from her friend since the day before. Maybe they weren't in town. Or maybe they were just late. It was only an hour after all. She really wasn't even sure which option she was hoping for. To have Santana not show, or to get to see her. Either way her heart pounded faster as each second ticked away on the clock.

* * *

"Do I look like I've been crying?" Santana peered at herself in the mirror on her sun visor and ran a finger underneath her eyes. They had sat on the side of the road long enough for her to calm down and relax again, and then she had pulled into a gas station to go into the restroom and wash her face. She reapplied her make up in the car and got them back on the road, but when they were sitting outside Will's house she wasn't sure if she was ready to go in.

"You look fantastic," Quinn said, not for the first time. "And it's okay if people think you were crying, we _are_ here for a memorial service. People cry over this stuff."

"Yeah, but they know me. They won't think I was crying over Holliday, they'll think...they'll think..."

"Stop caring what they think," her friend cut in. "Just be the Santana they know and love-to-hate...or hate-to-love, whichever, and go in there with your head held high. We can be the queen bitches again."

Santana laughed. "Most of them know we're not the queen bitches anymore."

"It'll make it easier for us though," Quinn shrugged. Santana looked over at her and made a slight face. She kept forgetting how much Quinn was stressing over seeing Puckerman again.

"We got this," she said softly with a determined nod. Quinn met her eyes and smiled.

"We got this," she repeated.

The two climbed from the car and walked up the drive with their shoulders back and heads high. They circled up the path to the front porch and stopped. Both stood there for several long moments, not moving, until Santana took another deep breath and reached for the doorbell.

_Ding dong_.


	4. Chapter Three

_She watches the gorgeous blonde step across the stage and her smile stretches so wide that it hurts, but she doesn't care. She's never been more proud of anyone in her life. All she wants to do is jump to her feet and cheer, point and yell 'That's my girl!', but she can't because that isn't her girl. Not anymore. So she instead watches on quietly, silently spreading the words out on the crowd. _

_ Her hand slides into her clutch and she fingers the white box there. She has to keep checking that it's there, even though she doesn't know what to do with it. Her eyes follow the most beautiful girl in the room as she spins, and laughs, and dances with her friends._

_ God how she wishes she could run up there and sweep her off her feet to spin her around._

_ A hand brushes her back and a voice leans in to her ear. "She looks really happy."_

_ Santana turns to look at Quinn and she nods, the smile not fading. "That's my girl," she says softly and fondly. Quinn hooks her arm through Santana's and the brunette leans to her friend's shoulder. At least she can say it to someone._

* * *

_ She goes to the party at Sugar's with Quinn, but she isn't really _there_. She talks to all of the friends she doesn't get to see much of, she congratulates everyone who graduated, and she sneaks constant looks Brittany's way. She's not sure if it's the blonde's pale purple dress (which barely meets her knees and therefore shows off her amazing legs), or the look of how proud of herself she is that's spread on her face, but Santana's not sure that Brittany has ever been more beautiful. The girl's hair is hanging over her nearly bare shoulders in thick waves, and every light possible bounces off of her sparkling blue eyes. Santana loves when her hair looks like that._

_ She spins away from another too long gaze at her ex and finishes the drink in her hand. She's not even sure what's in it, Puck shoved it in her hand at some point, but she doesn't care. It sends a warmth through her that can _almost_ compensate for the one warmth she wants and can't have. Or at the very least get her on her way to forgetting._

_ She thinks she should leave. She's made her appearance, she's played buffer between Quinn and Puckerman, and she should leave. She doesn't even belong here anymore. Her fingers reach into her bag for the millionth time to touch that little white box again and...she can't. Instead she steps under one of the big trees and lets the branches shade her slightly from the party going on around her. She used to be able to forget everything in her head and dive into parties, but everything has changed. She feels like _she_ has changed too much._

_ As her eyes glance around for that head of blonde hair she immediately comes face to face with blue eyes instead. The most perfect blue eyes in the history of ever. She has to remember to breathe, and even then it takes a moment for her to speak._

* * *

_ She's still awake, staring at Brittany sleeping beside her. That steady, strong arm is still around her, and just as always it's making her feel safer than anything else can. She studies the face in front of her carefully. She would be committing it all to memory, but she already had long ago. How many __nights did she lay awake staring at this girl, wishing she had the courage to love her? All that time she wasted. She reaches out to brush the hair from Brittany's face so she doesn't miss seeing every freckle there. The girl sighs softly and curls into her more, and Santana moves her hand around to rub the her back._

_ They have been taking turns snoozing in between not talking and touching; savoring the bodies they have missed so much. There's an unsaid note that this is some sort of goodbye, closure, and Santana can't take it. Under the haze of alcohol and sex she hardly notices the tears on her cheeks as she drifts off to sleep again._

_ When she wakes up she opens her eyes to find Brittany staring at her. It sends her heart beating in overdrive. She can feel it beating in every inch of herself, and she can hear the blood pulsing in her ear drums, so she's certain Brittany can hear it too. She keeps her gaze locked on those eyes though. Neither one looks away for a long time. No smiles, no words, just their eyes on each other. She's trying so hard not to replay all of their painful memories as she looks into those eyes, but it's hard to ignore them when they're right there. The pain that she's put Brittany through is still there behind her eyes, because emotions aren't something the girl hides. Especially not from Santana. _

_ It takes awhile, but it's Santana who gives up first, as always, and looks down. She's the quitter between them. The other girl has always been the stronger one, the patient one, always willing to hold on. She can feel the disappointment in Brittany's gaze without even seeing it, but if she holds onto those eyes too much longer she'll lose herself forever. (Not that she doesn't wonder if she has already.)_

_ "I have something for you," she whispers into the darkness, feeling her words hit soft, light skin. She doesn't wait for a reply before peeling herself from the girl and climbing off the bed to find her clutch. She feels so much colder out of that bed and away from Brittany, and she's not sure clothes or a blanket could take the chill away._

_ She finds the clutch on the floor by the door, where she had dropped it from that first kiss, and she claims it. She reaches inside and pulls out the white box that has been taunting her all day, and she makes her way back to the bed. After crawling under the covers again she pulls Brittany's hand out and sets the box in it. _

_ "Happy Graduation," she says. She watches as Brittany smiles and sits up to open the box, and she waits for the reaction. She knows the gift will be loved, but a part of her is scared it will be pushed back into her hands. A refusal. Brittany pulls the braided blue, pink, and purple ribbons from the box and stretches it out in her hand. The ribbons, dusted in glitter, sparkle in the hint of moonlight sneaking into their seclusion, and the smile on Brittany's lips softens. "I...wanted to get you something really nice, but...every time I looked at the silver ones I just thought...it might break if she's dancing. She might never wear it. So..." Her voice trails off as she chances to meet Brittany's eyes, and they're staring right back at her._

_ "I love it, San. Thank you."_

_ She takes it from Brittany's hands and moves again to lean down the bed and find Brittany's ankle, and she carefully clasps it on. Santana's fingers run against the ribbon, and the ankle, as she admires it. _

_ "C'mere," she hears, and she's being pulled back up into those arms, and those lips are on __hers, and nothing else exists._

* * *

_ She wakes up in the morning and immediately feels the pounding behind her eyes, as well as the emptiness beside her. Her mouth is dry and she aches all over, but she refuses to open her eyes. She knows without looking that Brittany is gone. Her scent is gone, her warmth is gone, and she's gone. She knew this was coming. Maybe not in this way, but she knew there wasn't anything more. There couldn't be. She had already hurt Brittany so many times, and now they were going to be on two sides of the country. Not only that, but they were different people now. She couldn't expect..._

_ But it still hurts. It hurts so much, and she hates that she has become this girl. This girl who cries over things. She never was this girl until she gave in to her heart, and right in this moment she wishes she could take it all back. She wishes she could still be wrapped away in the safety of her anger and loneliness. She wishes she didn't know the feeling of complete perfection that she can feel under those blue eyes, or the safety of those arms. She always wanted to be the strong one, so many people thought she was, but she knows the truth. She's not strong at all. She's weak, and her heart has been broken for many months now. She should know, she's the one that broke it._

* * *

They were ushered into the kitchen, and Santana focused on saying hi to everyone. She tried to look everywhere but the one place she wanted to look most. She didn't feel Brittany's gaze on her, and she didn't know how she felt about that. She felt the other girl's presence in the room and knew she was there. Either Brittany didn't want to look her way, or she couldn't. It didn't take long though before Santana felt her gaze rise up on it's own to look around the room. Like she had no control.

It took her eyes no time at all to find Brittany, and she felt her chest heave and her stomach flutter just from the sight of her. Five years had been incredible for the blonde. And the moment Santana found her, Brittany's eyes came up to meet hers. Like they were drawn together. Some invisible magnet between them. Always. They held each other's gaze, without smiles or waves, and both sets of eyes barely blinked. There was so much that could be said silently between them, they always could do that, but even their eyes were silent. Santana couldn't stop looking. She was certain the blue eyes had gotten even bluer over the years, and the hair even blonder. Everything about the girl was twenty times more than she remembered.

Santana wasn't sure she ever wanted to look away or lose that connection. It felt like it went on forever, but it had only been a few moments. She didn't know what to do or what to say, but it turned out she didn't have to do anything.

For the first time ever Brittany's gaze dropped first, and Santana's heart broke from scratch.


	5. Chapter Four

Everyone had paper plates with pizza and drinks, and they congregated in small groups around the house while they ate. The original National champs had all settled out on the back deck. Quinn and Santana mixed themselves into the group and kept apart from Puck and Brittany respectively, which wasn't hard because Brittany stuck at Puck's side.

She wanted to have time to catch up with everyone, but with Santana so nearby there was that familiarity with her roommate that a part of her needed to cling to. She did everything she could to avoid looking at or speaking to Santana. It wasn't that she was trying to be rude, she just didn't know what _to_ say. She didn't know how to act. She didn't get the impression that Santana even wanted to speak to her, so she wasn't going to force it. As much as it hurt.

Instead Brittany faked a smile and listened in as everyone started to retell their favorite Ms. Holliday memories. They were all laughing as Mike recreated the greasy floor moment, and Tina launched into her best impression of the woman. Somewhere in it all Brittany found herself laughing for real, a hand slapping her leg, and she happened to glance Santana's way. She too was laughing, her eyes on Tina, and Brittany took that moment to admire the other woman.

She was still the prettiest in Brittany's opinion. Her hair was longer, and the way she carried herself was more mature, but otherwise she was the same Santana. Her laugh still made Brittany smile. She had always loved nothing more than seeing Santana truly happy. She knew how incredible of a person the other girl was, and all she had ever wanted was for the rest of the world to see it too. She wanted _Santana_ to see it. And it was moments like that, where Santana was laughing with their friends, happy and carefree, that Brittany saw the inside Santana painted on the outside.

"Might wanna stop staring with that dopy smile on your face," Puck whispered in her ear. She snapped out of it and looked over at him to see a smirk on his face.

"What?"

"You really want her to catch you looking at her like that?"

"She's just...really pretty," Brittany said with a sigh.

Puck nudged her gently and leaned over so he could meet her eyes. She was expecting some warm words of advice. "You could take her to a closet and bang the hell out each other with all that pent up shit you two've got."

So much for warm words. She gave him a shove. "Shut up, Noah." She only called him that when she was really annoyed with him, or if she was being too serious to use his nickname. He mostly went by his first name with the rest of the world by then as it was. Either way, he knew he had touched a fuse.

"Sorry, sorry. You really want my opinion?" In the past she wouldn't have taken his opinions very far, but now she relied on them more than she could say, so she just nodded. "Be the bigger man and go talk to her. If you two keep up with the awkward sexual tension, we're _all_ gonna lose it."

Brittany just stared at him pointedly. "You haven't even said hi to Quinn yet." Their voices were soft so that the others couldn't hear them, but even so he glanced Quinn's way quickly to make sure she hadn't heard.

"Yeah, well...that's different."

"How?"

"We spent two years flying back and forth across the country trying to be together, and the last time she was supposed to come she didn't. And that was it. Way I see it, if she wants to talk she can come over here." He rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed like a stubborn child.

She sighed. She remembered that day and all of the following days that she had to clean her brokenhearted roommate off the floor, all while trying to stay neutral because Quinn was still one of her best friends. She got the point though. She was the one that had left the bed that morning and walked out without a word to Santana. Sure they had tried to keep up with a few polite phone calls and holiday emails, but it all faded from there. None of it really mattered, because they had already faded long before that.

He was right, as much as she hated to admit it. She needed to go over and at least say hi, and not because she felt everything was her fault (far from it), but because it was simply the right thing to do.

With a determined nod Brittany shoved her half eaten pizza into Puck's hands and stood up. She had to take a moment before she could move her feet, but she carried herself over to where Santana sat with Quinn. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie, unable to steady her nerves, and came to a stop in front of them. Both girls looked up. Quinn glanced between the two, and Santana looked up at Brittany, meeting her eyes and looking as scared as Brittany felt. Their eyes were locked and they paid no attention to Quinn.

"I think I..." Quinn looked between them and sighed as she stood up. "-don't even need an excuse because you two can't hear me right now," She gave them one last look and walked away.

Brittany didn't know what to say. A million things ran through her head, but nothing would actually come out. Santana looked up at her, waiting for her to speak, but nothing. Nothing came out. Brittany felt like she was in the middle of a crowd she didn't know, and all of that old anxiety that she tried so hard to get rid of started to come back. She rolled the toe of her shoe against the porch. She still couldn't break the eye contact they had. If she did, she knew she wouldn't be able look up to those warm brown eyes again.

* * *

Santana felt something hard lodge in her throat when she realized Brittany was walking over. Nervousness pounded at her heart, and she felt her palms start to sweat.

Quinn followed Santana's gaze and raised a brow. "I should leave you two alone," she said in almost an amused tone.

"Don't you dare," Santana snapped under her breath. But when Brittany actually stopped in front of them and she looked into her blue eyes, the rest of the world didn't exist to her. She stared up at Brittany, wondering if she was going to say something or if she expected Santana to speak first. She didn't want to speak first. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she _could_ speak. She didn't notice that everyone was giving them side glances as they scoped out the situation. If she had, she'd tell them all to mind their own business. Even though she had no idea what her business even was at that moment.

"Full House," Brittany finally said, the words coming out quick and sharp. Santana frowned and blinked up at her.

"Huh?"

* * *

Crap. She hadn't meant for it to come out like that. She didn't even know why she suddenly wanted to tell that to Santana. She shifted where she stood, even more awkward now, and cleared her throat. "I...watched every episode of _Full House_. B-bought it. Watched it." She nodded and noticed that Santana was still staring up at her like she had spoken another language. She took a deep breath. She would have to explain it, okay. "You...you used to love Full House, and Uncle Jesse, so..." She shrugged and looked away. She had to. It was one of those things she had to do to feel close to her old friend again.

A slow smile spread on Santana's lips. "You did?"

She nodded, embarrassed. "Can we go for a little walk? Before...before the planning starts?" She shifted the subject, because she didn't want to talk about _Full House_. She didn't want to talk with everyone else so close to them.

"Um...yeah, sure," Santana replied as she got to her feet. Brittany nodded and they stood there for a moment. She waved a hand out to let Santana lead the way, and the two took a quiet awkward walk around the house to the street. Santana looked either way and waved a finger right to left. "Which way?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Okay."

Santana turned left and Brittany followed. Santana had to slow for a moment so that Brittany would walk beside her instead of behind her, and then they walked on in silence. Brittany still didn't know what to say, only that they needed to say _something_ to each other. She needed words. Desperately.

They were halfway down the block and it was Santana who spoke first that time. "How was your flight?"

"Good." A beat. "Yours?"

"Good, it was good."

"Good," Brittany nodded. They continued on in silence, but after a few more houses Brittany couldn't take it. She stopped walking suddenly. Santana stopped as well and turned around to face her, her arms crossed over her chest. "I was terrified of seeing you," Brittany admitted quickly, before she wouldn't.

Santana watched her and nodded. "I was terrified of seeing you, too," she replied.

Brittany took that news in and met Santana's eyes again. So they had something in common. Okay. That was something. A long moment of silence passed between them again. She wasn't too sure where to go from there.

"Look Br-" Santana started, but stopped herself from saying her name. "We don't have to do this if you don't want. We can...put up with each other or ignore each other and...when the weekend's over we can go our separate ways."

The blonde's eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. "Is that what you want?"

"Well if _you_ want.."

"But what do _you_ want?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "I don't want to talk about everything yet. Not here."

"Okay..." Brittany said slowly. "So...ignore each other?"

"Maybe. I...I don't know, I guess." Santana looked down at her feet.

"I don't..." She didn't know where that sentence was supposed to go so it faded away. "We just have things to do, and we shouldn't let...everything get in the way. It wouldn't be fair to-"

"_Stop_," the other woman shook her head slowly, her word soft but firm. "Jesus Britt." She looked up and Brittany saw nothing but anger and hurt in her eyes. Santana's arms were wrapped tightly around herself. "You left. _You_ left. We had that incredible night together, and you crept away like I was nothing more than an awkward one night stand!"

Brittany rolled her shoulders back as she took a breath. She was expecting all of that, but not so soon. Not right there. And hearing the words thrown at her like that set her defenses off. She used to take everything Santana dished at her; her anger, her fear, her jealousy. She took the words, because she knew Santana was never really mad at _her_. She had always been mad at herself, or at the world, and took it out on Brittany because...because Brittany let her. Because Brittany loved her too much to stop her.

Her chin went up to hold on to the confidence she needed. "We weren't _together,_ because you broke up with me at the beginning of the year," she shot back evenly. "If you couldn't be in a relationship with someone a few hours away, I knew you wouldn't be in one with someone across the country."

Santana took a visible step backwards. She was obviously a little shocked at Brittany biting back at her, but Brittany wasn't the same girl she had been in high school. She wouldn't let Santana treat her the way she was treating her. She wouldn't let Santana treat her the way she had when they were teenagers. They weren't those young, naive girls anymore.

"You still could have said goodbye," Santana said thickly.

"Would it have made a difference?" Brittany felt her courage returning with each reply. She could hold her own, she knew she could. She met Santana's eyes. She didn't want to hurt her anymore, but she also wasn't going to take the blame for everything. She watched pain flash across her ex's face and it squeezed at her heart painfully.

"It might have made it feel like you cared," Santana answered in a controlled tone. She still had her arms crossed tight against her chest, and she didn't move her eyes from Brittany's.

Brittany's mouth actually dropped open a little at those words, and she gave it a moment sink in. She had to be sure she'd even heard it right before she turned and started to walk away. That had hurt. Not only had it hurt, but it offended her.

How dare she-

How could she-

She spun back around and saw Santana still standing where she had left her. She took a couple steps back so she was close enough that she didn't have to yell, but not as close as she had been before.

"How..." The question stalled on her lips. "How can you..." It didn't matter. If Santana didn't believe in what she had felt then, what she had always felt... Her head shook and she turned again to walk back, and that time she kept going.

"Britt...Britt! ….Brittany!"

She ignored the calls behind her and continued her trek back to Will and Emma's house. She wanted to leave. She wanted to take the rental keys from Sam and go back to her parent's house. She could be safe there, it wouldn't hurt as much there.

Who was she kidding? She could never get away from how much she hurt over Santana. She had been trying for six years.

"Brittany, will you stop?" Santana came to her side, slowing down from running, and reached out for her arm. Brittany let herself be pulled to a stop, but she didn't look at the other woman. She kept her gaze straight forward on the horizon. There was silence. A silence so long that Brittany might have thought Santana had left, but her hand was still on Brittany's arm and it was a searing touch. She hated how Santana's touch could still do that to her.

When Santana still said nothing, Brittany turned to look at her. Santana was looking at the ground and her face was pulled into that familiar twist of anger and sadness. Brittany wanted to hug her and run from her all at the same time. "How could you think I never cared?" She finally asked in a small voice.

Brown eyes met hers, and Santana shook her head. "I'm sorry I said that."

"But it's how you felt? How you feel?"

"Britt..."

"No. Did you really think then that I didn't care?" She could hear her own voice cracking with emotion, with saddened disbelief, and she wished she could be stronger again. She didn't want to be that hopeless teenager she had been before. The one that let Santana do this to her time and time again because she loved her too much to stop her.

"I was hurt. I know – I knew – we weren't going to...not after one night, but it still hurt to wake up and you not be there. You...you were always there before when we woke up."

"I was," Brittany nodded. She could hear the sadness in her own voice going more resigned. "I was always the one that was there, and you were always the one that wasn't." She watched Santana's eyes spark with a mix of surprise, hurt, and anger. She wasn't sure which emotion she would get from the other woman, but she found herself not caring. How could she love someone, still, so much and yet feel so done with them? It hurt, and at the same time she felt numb. Was this what acceptance felt like? If it was she didn't like it. "Maybe we should leave the past in the past and do what we came here to do."

Santana still seemed at a loss for words at all that Brittany said, but after a moment she found her voice. "Not even a little piece of you came here to...to see what was left..._here_?"

"Yeah," Brittany said softly with a nod. "But all that's left is too much sadness, and...I hate being sad."

"I know you do." Brittany could hear Santana's voice shake that time and their eyes met again. "I...I'm sorry. That things ended up the way they did."

"Me too," she replied. She watched Santana a few beats longer, then stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her. God, it felt so good. It felt good and horrible all at the same time, and she could feel Santana fall into the hug as though Brittany were catching her off of a cliff. They clung to each other tightly as their tears began to fall. They held each other for a long time, and though there were tears there was no crying. It was simply more of a sad acceptance.

"I'm sorry, baby," Santana whispered after several minutes. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too."

When they could finally pull themselves apart, they dried their faces and walked back to the house without words; without looking at each other. They returned to the back porch, returned to their corners, and didn't speak or look the other's way for the rest of the evening.


	6. Chapter Five

Brittany sat in the back of the rental car with Sam as the four rode back to their hotel, and she kept her gaze out the window the entire time. She wanted to focus on everything going on, on seeing her friends, on the service, but instead she was replaying her fight with Santana over and over in her mind, and each time it hurt. It hurt because again and again she had to prove her love to Santana, and again and again Santana didn't believe it. She didn't trust it when that's all Brittany had ever done. Yeah, things were okay for awhile during senior year, but it wasn't enough. Clearly they had lost something that they'd been able to hold onto during those months.

Or maybe they never had it. Maybe she never truly had Santana, even though Santana had her from that very first kiss. The quick and awkward kiss, because Santana wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl since Brittany already had before. And through every kiss after, every hidden touch, Brittany waited. She waited, and she trusted, and she was patient. All because she loved Santana and had faith in them. Where had that gotten her? Nowhere. In the land of constant heartbreak and let down. She could only give Santana passes for her internal struggle for so long before it wasn't a good enough excuse anymore.

A warm hand wrapped around hers and pulled her from her thoughts. She glanced over to Sam and he was looking at her with gentle, concerned eyes. "Wanna talk about it?" He mouthed. She just shook her head. She couldn't talk. She was sure if she even tried she would break down in tears, and she wasn't ready to break down. She was _tired_ of crying Santana-tears.

Sam gave her hand another squeeze, and she leaned her head back against her seat and closed her eyes. More than anything else, she hated that Santana still had this control over her. The ability to make her want to forget everything and just _be_ with her, hold her, touch her, kiss her. She still wanted to take care of Santana, and just the sight of the other woman reaffirmed the fact that Brittany wasn't over her. Not one bit.

* * *

_The bed is so warm, but cold at the same time when Brittany wakes up. She blinks slowly and turns to look at the gorgeous girl beside her, and she wants to stay there forever. She could. She could stay right there and never let Santana go again. Maybe move to New York, maybe ask her to go to L.A. No. New York. She could never pull Santana away from her dreams. _

_ Her fingers move over to brush the hair from Santana's face so she can see it clearly, and a painful mixture of emotions strike her. There's love. There's so much love for this person beside her, and there will never be any denying that, but there's also fear and pain. They didn't talk about what would happen this morning after their night together, but everything had felt like a goodbye. Maybe that's what Santana wanted. Maybe she didn't even want to get back together. And even if she did, what's to stop her from breaking Brittany's heart again? How many times had it been now? Too many. _

_ But how can she fault Santana? She knows the kind of pain the other girl has been going through the past few years, and all she's wanted is to make it stop. So many times she had felt like the cause of all of the pain, because she's who Santana fell in love with. She's the one who changed everything. In a way, she's the root of Santana's pain. And Santana's the root of hers. How can two people that love each other this much cause each other any pain at all?_

_ She rolls onto her back and closes her eyes. She can't look at that face and make decisions at __the same time, because she knows she would give up everything in an instant for her. She would shove away the thought of L.A. and go to New York and not care what she did there. She would return to being connected to Santana in every way she could, and she would lose this independence she has had to learn this year. This feeling like she really can do anything she wants or tries to do, and she can do it on her own. She doesn't need a protector or someone to be her safety blanket. She has learned that this year, and it makes her feel so damn good about herself. And she knows she would throw all of that away in an instant if Santana asked her to._

_ That thought is what makes her open her eyes and turn to look at Santana again. They love each other, sure, but maybe too much. Brittany realizes in that second that she _wants_ to go to L.A. She wants to see the beaches and the sunshine, and she wants to find something for herself. The idea of being there just feels _right,_ and how can she throw that all away after one night? _

_ The thought of trying to do something long distance isn't even a possibility for her. It hurt too much before. She had tried so hard when Santana left Lima, and she had been so lonely, but she had still not given up. And Santana did. Nothing had ever hurt like that before. She refuses to hurt like that again, not when she has finally gotten herself together. _

_ So it's the only solution, isn't it? Let the last goodbye be a goodbye and move on. Who really stays together after high school anyway? She rolls over to let her body face Santana's and she watches her a bit longer. She wants to see into those brown eyes once more, to kiss her once more, but just the idea of trying to say goodbye hurts too much. She can't. She just...can't. She doesn't think she's strong enough._

_ She pulls herself from the bed reluctantly, but not before pressing a soft kiss against Santana's forehead. She finds her clothes and pulls them on, all while keeping her back to the bed. She has to. If she looks she might change her mind and crawl back in, and she can't do that. She has to do this for herself. Even though she knows how much it's going to hurt Santana, and despite the fact that she hates herself for even thinking of putting Santana in pain, she has to look out for herself for once._

_ It takes all of the strength Brittany has to open the bedroom door and walk out of it, and even more to start down that hallway. She feels like a part of her heart, a part of her entire being, is being left behind and stretched painfully from her body. She gets close to the stairs, and in her cloud of hangover and heartbreak, she doesn't see Sam until she crashes into him as he exits the bathroom. She doesn't even realize it's him. He reaches up to catch her as she stumbles and she can hear his voice in her ear._

_ "You okay, Brittany?" Her head shakes, but she doesn't look at him. She knows if she does she'll start crying, and she's not ready to start crying. "Do you need to leave?" He asks. She nods quickly. "Okay. I'll take you home." His arm goes around her shoulder firmly, and he guides her down the stairs. "It'll be okay," he says. "Whatever it is it'll be okay."_

_ No it won't. She's pretty sure her heart will never be okay again._

* * *

"We're here, Britt." Once again Sam's voice brought her out of her thoughts and she looked up. They were parked at the hotel and Mercedes and Puck were already getting out of the front seats. Sam sighed and leaned out of the door for a moment. "We'll catch up."

"You sure?" Puck looked in at Brittany uncertainly.

"Yeah, I'll bring her up." Sam closed his door and the two front doors shut as well. He watched Mercedes and Puck head towards the building before he turned to Brittany. She still wasn't looking at him. "Tell me what happened?"

She looked over then, looked into the eyes of someone who had been there for her so much over the years. He had been there when Santana dumped her, he had been her support during her senior year, and he had been there after the graduation party. He had quite literally helped her walk away and start her new life. She had so much to thank him for. She held tightly to his hand that was still around hers and her head shook.

"We fought, and it hurt," she started slowly, and her voice was pained. "I don't want to love her anymore."

"First loves never really go away," he replied. His arm went around her and she dropped her head to his shoulder.

"Easy for you to say, you're engaged to yours."

Sam smiled. "Not Mercedes. Quinn. I really did love her, and I still do when I see her. Now though...it's not the same. I found someone I love more, someone who doesn't hurt me."

"I don't think I'll ever find someone I love more than Santana, though. I tried. Remember that year I was a complete slut?"

Laughter made Sam's chest shake. "You _weren't_ a complete slut, you were getting out there. And you will. You're amazing, Brittany. If you can let go of her, even a little, you'll be able to find someone. I promise."

"But how do I let go? It still hurts, and it still makes me sad, and it's been six years. I'm...so mad at her, but...she's still hot and...Santana. She's _Santana_, Sam."

"Do you want to work things out with her?" His voice went quiet and more serious as he rubbed her back.

"No," she answered easily. "It wouldn't work, and eventually it would hurt. Maybe even more than it ever has before."

"Then you need to recognize that it's not something you want anymore, that she's not something you want anymore, and...and you'll start to let go."

She curled into his chest and closed her eyes tightly. She felt it coming on again, that need to break down and cry, but she didn't want it. "I don't want to let go, even after everything."

"So just cry for now," his voice was even softer and his lips pressed against the top of her head. "It's okay to cry." She tried to keep resisting, but his arms held her tightly and she was taken back to that morning she left. The way they had sat in his car outside of her house and he had held her while she cried. He had comforted her the best he could, told her again and again that everything would be okay, but mostly he just let her cry. Everything came full circle, and five years later she was crying against him again, and he held her.

* * *

"Can we get drunk? Like really, really drunk?"

Quinn looked over at her friend in the passenger seat beside her and raised a brow. "Was it that bad?"

"Worse. And we're not talking about it." Santana's tone was sharp and direct. It was the tone that she used when she didn't want anyone to try her, and she really didn't want Quinn to try her. She couldn't talk about Brittany. She refused.

"Okay, sure." Quinn started the car and bit on her lip as she thought about it. "Want to call anyone?"

"Yeah. Whoever. All of them. I don't care." She didn't have to say no Brittany, she was sure it would be understood. But everyone else? Sure, she could use the distraction.

"You call, I'll drive."

"Why do I have to-"

"Because I'm driving," Quinn answered flatly. She didn't drive and talk or text, and Santana remembered that with a nod.

"Fine." She pulled out her phone and made a few calls. Sugar, Eyebrows and Lady Kurt, UnBeauty and her beast of a husband, Boy and Girl Chang, and Artie. She wasn't sure if she could cross the line and call Mercedes or Puck. They were probably on Team Brittany in all of it, and they probably hated her these days. She dropped her phone in her lap. "Sugar's a definite if nothing else."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I might actually need a drink to be around her."

"She's not so bad these days," Santana admitted, surprised at her own words. In fact she found herself getting together with Rachel and Sugar every so often back in New York, and despite still giving them a hard time, she always enjoyed herself. Even if Rachel was as annoying as ever. "Who the hell have I turned into?" She muttered under her breath. It was loud enough for Quinn to hear, and the girl chuckled.

"You're a grown up, Santana."

"Don't feel like it."

Because did grown ups still make the perfect girl sad? Were grown ups still too scared to function in a real relationship? She certainly hadn't found one she could function in yet. Though she knew deep down she had never truly tried over the years, because no girl she dated was the one she really wanted. She destroyed any possible relationship before it happened. She wouldn't even date anyone blonde. Sure she'd had a few one night stands with blondes, but they always left her disappointed because she would realize that she was going with it for the memory of another blonde, and they would never live up to her. Ever.

"Are you going to tell me what happened with you and Brittany, or are you going to be grumpy all night and bite my head off?"

"Figured grumpy and biting your head off works for me," Santana replied coolly.

"Santana."

"What?" She snapped her head over to Quinn who just gave her a glance before returning her eyes to the road.

"What happened?"

"How about you tell me what happened with you and Mr. White Trash? Did you apologize for breaking up with him without having the balls to actually break it off in person?" She knew she was getting mean, and she knew Quinn didn't deserve it. Quinn had been there for her the entire time since the break up, and even more so in the last few years. But Santana couldn't stop herself. Everything hurt and she wanted to tune it out. She definitely didn't want to talk about it.

Quinn's jaw set evenly and she kept her eyes on the road. "Fine, we won't talk about it."

That just annoyed Santana. She wanted her words to bother Quinn. She wanted to start something, but Quinn wouldn't take her bait. It had been so much easier when they were all younger. Well. She could easily harass everyone else at the bar.

"And be nice to everyone tonight? Please?"

"Yeah, whatever," she replied.

* * *

She was too many shots in to count, and she had since stopped picking on Rachel and Kurt. Tina and Mike had made a brief appearance, with Tina's parents watching the kid, but they couldn't stay long. Finn hadn't come at all. Something about not wanting to be around Santana when she was in a mood. Santana wasn't bothered by it, she didn't want to see his ugly Frankenstein face anyway. Even though she and Rachel were almost, kind of friends by then she still could only handle Finn in small doses.

Blaine and Kurt were both drunk and off in the corner dancing to the jukebox, and Sugar was a couple of seats down flirting with the bartender. Rachel and Quinn were on Santana's other side discussing something that Santana had no interest in, but Rachel was drunk and Quinn was doing her best to reason with her. It wasn't working too well, because Rachel kept slamming her hand down on the bar in protest. Artie was across the way at a booth with a couple other old Glee clubbers that had joined them, as well as with Sam and Mercedes. She didn't have to look over her shoulder to know that Sam kept shooting looks her way. She could feel his beady eyes on her. She took another double shot and looked over her shoulder, and sure enough Sam was sitting beside Mercedes in the booth, arm around her, but watching Santana.

Well, if he wanted a show.

"What're you staring at, Trouty?" His eyes widened slightly at his old nickname, but he didn't look away. "_What_?" She asked again. She stumbled off of the stool and onto her feet, oblivious to everyone staring at her. Rachel was giggling behind her, too drunk to care, but Quinn was also getting to her feet. Santana wasn't going to be stopped though. She moved across the room towards the booth and threw her hands up. "If you've got somethin' to say, say it!"

"I don't have anything to say," Sam replied.

"Then why're you starin'? I get it, she's your homegirl now or whatever. You're on her side. You and Wheezy and Puck..._fine_. But mind your own goddamn business and let me drink in peace."

Everyone stared between the two uncomfortably, and Quinn stood just behind Santana. Artie started to roll away from the table as if someone might soon leap over him to get to the other. Mercedes spoke up first.

"No one chose sides, Santana. We care about you, too. We just...we've seen Brittany a lot more since high school. It's just how it ended up."

"Right," Santana rolled her eyes. "Like you two aren't sitting over here talking about how terrible I was to her, and poor Brittany, and her poor broken heart!"

Quinn finally stepped forward to put her hand on Santana's shoulder. "Santana," she said gently. "Let's go."

"No!" She shoved Quinn's hand away. "Why am I always the bad guy?! Do y'all _like _making me the evil whore or something?" She couldn't hear how ridiculous she sounded over the alcohol and her anguish from seeing Brittany earlier, and she was definitely going to be embarrassed in the morning.

"No one said you're the bad guy." Sam finally spoke again, and he actually pulled himself out from the booth. He stuck his hands in his pockets and took a step towards Santana. "We all know there's two sides to everything. I know you got hurt just as much as she did. She's my best friend, but I don't hate you."

Something ruffled Santana's skin at hearing Sam call Brittany his best friend, and anything he said along with that passed over deaf ears. Brittany wasn't his, Brittany was hers. Even after six years of barely having any relationship at all, Brittany was still hers. Brittany would _always_ be hers.

"Go to hell. All of you."

"Santana!" Sam moved forward again, but she swung a hand out and clocked him in the jaw. He jumped back, holding his face, and Mercedes rushed up to his side.

"Santana, maybe you should leave," Mercedes said.

"Fine. Not like I feel welcome here anyway," she snapped. She turned on her heel and stalked for the door. She didn't really care how she was getting home. She barely noticed anything was happening when she stumbled at the door and fell. Everything just went black.

* * *

When Santana came around again she was laying in her own bed. She didn't know how she got there, but she didn't really care. She still felt drunk. Really drunk. She looked at the clock, and it was barely even 2 am. Whoever dropped her in her bed couldn't have dropped her off too long ago. She rolled over and felt her cell phone jab into her hip from her pocket, and she took it out.

She stared at the screen for a long time as she tried to remember the night. Aside from being at the bar and taking shot after shot, she couldn't remember much. She scrolled through her text messages, but there was nothing of interest there.

Her eyes closed and she sighed as she thought back to what she could remember. Brittany's eyes, Brittany's lips, Brittany's voice. Everything Brittany. She could still feel Brittany in her arms, and she could still smell that unique scent that was Brittany, the scent that hadn't changed one bit. It was perfect. She was perfect.

And then she was thinking about kissing Brittany, and touching Brittany, and...warmer thoughts cropped up that she didn't need to think about, because it had been so long since she had been properly relieved. She groaned and looked at her phone again, needing a distraction. She scrolled down to Brittany's name and stared at it for a long time. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that a drunken text was a bad idea, but the drunk part of her was telling her that it needed to be done. She needed to connect to the other girl again. She needed to talk to her even if just through reading words.

Before she could stop herself her fingers tapped against the screen and she hit send.

**You up?**


	7. Chapter Six

Brittany and Puck were going to stay with Brittany's parents, but they both decided it'd be easier and more comfortable if they stayed at the hotel everyone else was staying at. They had rooms on the same floor, and Sam and Mercedes were down the hall. When Sam brought Brittany up to her room she bypassed it and knocked on Puck's door instead.

"I'm fine," she said to Sam, giving him a light shove. "Go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." She pulled him back though and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

"Anytime for you," he replied with a lopsided smile. He gave her arm a squeeze and wandered off to his and Mercedes' room.

"If you're lookin' for comfort sex, I'm totally your guy."

Brittany turned back and saw Puck standing in the open doorway with a smirk on his lips. She pushed by him and walked into his room, kicking her shoes off and shedding her jacket. She flopped down on his bed and curled up on her side with her back to him. She heard the door close, but he didn't say anything else. She closed her eyes. She didn't want the tears to resurface. She was done crying.

She felt Puck move through the room and the corner of the bed shifted as he sat down on it. Noise flooded the room as he turned his movie back on, and she could feel him shifting on the bed to sit beside her. She opened her eyes for a moment and saw him leaned back against the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him, eyes on the TV, and she inched closer to curl up against him. His arm dropped on her back and she shut her eyes again.

"Hope you know I love you, Noah," she mumbled against him. She felt his hand rub her back, and she knew he had a smile on his lips.

"You too, blondie."

She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes again the room was dark and Puck was sprawled out beside her sleeping. She stretched and looked over at the bright, red numbered hotel clock and sighed. It was late, or early, and she had a headache. The kind that came with too much emotion and crying. Had she been crying against Puck? She couldn't even be sure, but her face felt sticky from dried tears.

So much for feeling done with the entire situation.

She got up to use the bathroom, and when she came back she got her phone from her jacket to check it. Sugar had mentioned going out that night and Brittany had completely forgotten. She wanted to text the girl an apology, but was distracted the moment she saw she had a text from Santana.

**You up?**

Brittany had to smile. The text had been sent at the exact moment she had woken up, like she knew. _Dammit_. She took the phone into the bathroom and sat down with her back to the tub. She studied the message for awhile, unsure whether to answer and unsure what to say if she did. They were supposed to be ignoring each other. They were supposed to put distance between themselves. They never were very good at any of that that though.

Her teeth grazed down against the edge of her bottom lip and her fingers pulled up the reply box. It took her a few moments before she replied.

**Yeah. Hi.**

Across town Santana got the text and smiled. Even if it wasn't much, it was something. She didn't know what she even wanted to say, but she wanted to talk to Brittany. And honestly, typing was easier than speaking. Even so it took her awhile to get up the nerve to send her next reply.

**Hi. Can't stop thinking about you.**

Brittany's heart jumped, as much as she didn't want it to. She wanted to remember that this was bad. She wanted to remember what Santana said to her earlier, and how much the other woman could hurt her, but all she saw was those words.

**Me too.**

Santana was still drunk from her visit to the bar and the lack of sleep, and that didn't really help with her keeping up her Brittany Wall. The one she had mastered having up for the last five years. Everything she felt and thought about the other woman was there, just on the edge, trying to come out. Her fingers let one of them leak.

**Still the hottest girl in the room.**

**Think so?**

**Know so.**

A wider smile crossed Brittany's face at the compliment. She had been thinking the same thing about Santana from the moment she'd laid her eyes on her again. It felt easier to text each other over calling, but Brittany knew that was only pretending. She also didn't like texting very much, it always took awhile for her to get all of her thoughts down right, so she tapped the call button and called Santana instead.

"Hey," Santana's voice answered. It was a lazy, thick tone. She was obviously either drunk or half-asleep. Brittany still knew all of her tones, even if she couldn't distinguish them as well anymore.

"Hi," she replied softly. She realized with that first word out loud that her voice was raw from crying, and she didn't really care. She never could hide her emotions from Santana, so why try now?

"I've missed your voice so much," Santana sighed. Brittany knew then that she had to be drunk. She wasn't sure how she felt about that, but she really did want to talk to Santana, just as much as she _didn'_t want to.

"You could have called sometime."

"No I couldn't. I was too stupid and ashamed."

"Why were you ashamed?" Brittany asked. She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. Her eyes closed as she just enjoyed the fact that she had Santana on the other end of that call.

There was a long silence before a reply came. "I made you miserable. That's why you didn't stick around, and...I deserved it. If I acted like a stupid puppy dog coming back for more then...I don't know. You would have laughed in my face." Santana's voice shook and hiccuped with the sound of oncoming tears. Brittany knew how she got when she drank too much.

She didn't know how to respond to that though. It started to bring back all of the pain and the anger, and she didn't want to pick up where they had left off in the street earlier. She didn't have the energy. And she knew Santana wouldn't be saying these things had she not been drunk, so she didn't want to make it an issue. She just sighed, disappointed. In what she wasn't sure. She heard a soft gulp of air on the line and closed her eyes. "Tell me what you've been doing with yourself," Brittany heard herself say. She had wanted to tell Santana that she didn't make her miserable, that she once made her happier than anyone else ever had, but those words didn't come out.

"Hm?" A sniffle. "Oh. Uh..." Santana cleared her throat and paused. "I'm in New York."

"Are you happy there?" She asked it softly because she knew she had changed direction on Santana quickly, and she wanted the other girl to have time to catch up.

"Most of the time, yeah. I work at a center for troubled youth, and, uh..yeah," Santana stuttered as though she were still trying to settle into the new conversation. "It-it's a great job."

Brittany couldn't pretend to bite back her grin. "That sounds really awesome. I mean, what you're doing. How did you get into that?"

"Well I started off thinking I'd go into law, but then...I decided I wanted to look into social work, and...I don't know. It's just one of those things where you find your way towards something you didn't even realize you wanted."

"What do you do there?"

There was a short laugh and another pause. "Mostly? I counsel the kids that are struggling with or questioning their sexuality. Crazy, huh?"

"No," Brittany shook her head, her voice gentle again. "Fitting. I'm sure you help a lot of those kids."

"They think I'm full of it. Half of them don't even want to talk to me on principle."

"You still don't give yourself enough credit, do you?"

Another long pause. "What about you? What do you do? I know after...after high school you said you didn't want to dance anymore, but.."

"It wasn't that I didn't want to dance," Brittany replied carefully. "It was more that...I wanted to find something else I was good at. I didn't want to get sick of dance or have it become a chore. It hasn't and...now I still love it."

* * *

Santana smiled at Brittany's words and she stretched out on her back as the phone call continued. The emotion from minutes before was already ebbing and she suddenly wanted to know everything about Brittany and where her life had taken her.

"So what'd you do when you got out there instead?" She asked.

"Well...I started working with Puck, since we were roommates and he needed help, but it didn't go too well. He didn't want me to touch the pool chemicals, and every time I tried to use the net thing to clean out the pool I would drop it in. After that he had me come along and sit around in my bikini to look hot and get us more business, but that got really boring. Plus he hired Sam to work with him so he didn't need me around."

Santana laughed at that. "So Trouty and Puckerman are still cleaning pools for a living?"

"No, a couple years ago they expanded to landscaping, and they're actually doing really good with it."

"Huh." She really didn't care about the guys. At all. "What'd you do after cleaning pools didn't work out?"

"I found a job at a vet's office. I answered phones, cleaned kennels, and took the dogs for walks around the yard. I loved it, and after about six months I decided to go to school to try to be a vet tech. I just got my license this spring."

Santana sat up at that, a beaming smile on her lips. "That's...incredible, Britt."

"What?" She snorted. "That I managed to get through school again?"

"No. That...you found something you love. Something you're good at."

"Yeah...it made it easier, you know? Taking classes and stuff about something I enjoyed. Aside from some of the things I had to take that I didn't really like, I did good in my classes."

"I'm sure you did."

A silence fell between them at that, an almost comfortable one, and Santana felt like she was sobering up a bit. She turned around on her stomach and let her feet stick up in the air and twist together. She knew the next question on her lips, but she was a little afraid to ask it. "How's...your dating life been?"

"Uh...you know, up and down."

"Sorry. If it's too awkward to talk about..." Santana shook her head. She shouldn't have even bothered asking.

"No. No, it's fine. There were a few guys over the years, but nothing that lasted more than a few months." She trailed off after that, leaving Santana in the dark.

It took another long beat of silence before Santana pressed further. "Just guys?"

"No." Santana's heart clenched at that, but she remained quiet. "I mean..." Brittany sighed, the sound slightly forced. "There's only been one girl when it comes to...like...relationships. Or something close to it. Most of the time it was just..."

"Just sex?"

"Yeah."

Santana felt a mix of emotions at that. A part of her was glad Brittany hadn't had relationships with other women, but she also didn't like that she'd slept with, presumably, multiple women. "I guess...that happens," she finally said.

"Yeah. I...was trying to figure things out after..." You. The unspoken word. "Anyway, I guess Jessie is the closest thing I've had to a long-term relationship and even that..."

"Even that what?" She didn't want to know, but she did. She wanted to find this Jessie person and break her. Possibly kill her. She hadn't gone off on someone in a long time, the earlier Sam incident aside, but she could make an exception.

"It's been an on and off thing for years, but it's never been serious. I guess we're friends with benefits? I don't know."

"I see," Santana said slowly. She didn't, but she wasn't sure what else to say about it. She wasn't even sure she understood. "So no major relationships? Not...seeing anyone now?"

"Nope and nope," Brittany sighed. "What about you?"

"There were girls, but...you know, nothing that lasted. Never really helped that I-" She paused, realizing what she almost said, and choked it back down. She sabotaged every relationship by comparing them to Brittany, because who could actually live up to her?

"That you what?"

"Nothing. They just...didn't work out."

A silence fell between them, and Santana rolled over onto her back to stare up at the ceiling. She listened, eyes closed, to Brittany's breathing. It was a sound that never failed to comfort her. She felt even more sober and she suddenly wondered why the hell she had texted Britt and why she had started to open up to her. They were supposed to be ignoring each other not reconnecting.

"I should...probably go," she said quietly.

"Oh...okay."

"Sorry, long day and I'm tired."

"It's fine." But neither one said goodbye or hung up right away, and eventually Brittany spoke up again. "Santana?"

Her heart pounded a bit faster at the sound of her name from that voice, and the worry of what Brittany was about to say. "Yeah?"

Another long pause.

"I'm sorry."

Santana sighed deeply at that. "I'm sorry too."


	8. Chapter Seven

"Dude, your woman went off on Sam last night."

Brittany had just rolled over on the bed, coming out of a not-so-deep slumber, when Puck greeted her. She blinked over at him to where he sat on the edge of the bed as he watched something on TV. The words hadn't quite sunken in yet. She had only dragged herself back to bed a few hours ago.

Despite saying they were hanging up she and Santana had stayed on the line for almost an hour longer in complete silence, until she could hear the deep, consistent sighs of Santana sleeping. And even then she hadn't hung up. She instead closed her eyes and stretched the kinks out of her body, then lay on her back across the cold tile. She listened to the gentle breaths in her ear and measured her own breathing to it. In and out. In. Out. She relaxed, and she was back to those teenage years of watching Santana sleep. Of the countless times she had ached to have more of the girl's heart, more of her time. It was only then that she could hold Santana and feel that warmth seep in to her own skin, feel like she had something that was all hers. But it never was then. Santana wasn't hers then. Santana still wasn't hers, and never would be again. "I wanted forever," she had whispered to the sleeping woman with a sigh. She ended the call and slowly sat up, letting out another sigh. She turned on the shower and stood under the hot water until her skin pruned and she was shivering, and until she needed to crawl back into bed to warm up.

Back in the morning, Puck's words finally started to clear up in Brittany's brain and she sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. "What?" She wasn't sure she liked the fact that she knew exactly who he was talking about, as though Santana were still hers. As though Santana had ever really _been_ hers.

"I guess they were all out at a bar and she yelled at him and slapped him pretty hard. Back handed. Didn't knock him out or anything, but Sam says he's got a nice bruise."

She blinked some more. How was it possible that had happened and Santana hadn't told her? Well, no she wasn't so surprised that she hadn't been told. She felt a flutter of anger in the pit of her stomach. Anger mixed with a bit of betrayal. How could Santana have talked to her for so long like nothing had happened? Sam, Puck, Mercedes...they were her family. The rest of her friends from high school, they were just that, people from high school. Not her family. She didn't like people messing with her family, not even Santana. Especially not Santana.

"Is he okay? Why did she hit him?"

"Don't know." He got up and started to grab some clean clothes. "He just texted me about going out for breakfast. C'mon." He tossed her phone at her. "Go get cleaned up, you're buying."

Brittany watched him walk into the bathroom and shut the door, and she looked down at the phone in her hands. She pulled up her text messages, passing over the ones from Santana, and read them over. She had texts from Sam, Sugar, Artie, and Quinn, all telling her what had happened. Santana got drunk and picked a fight with Sam. Brittany frowned and got to her feet. She didn't want to think about it right then. She didn't want to think about Santana or talk to Santana or talk _about _Santana. She just wanted to take a shower and get through the rest of the weekend. And then she wanted to go home. Had she really thought, for even a moment, that maybe things would change? That maybe she could have her old friend back? No. That phone call had been a fluke. She was right in reminding herself it was still over.

* * *

"Santana, wake up."

Santana groaned and reached out to shove away whatever voice was disturbing her slumber. Everything ached, especially her head, and she wanted to sleep forever. Sleeping felt good. She was lost in a thick fog of...absolute nothingness.

"Santana Lopez get out of this bed."

And then there was a shove in her shoulder, and she felt herself coming around more. She also felt all the more pissed off. She grabbed the pillow from under her head and swung it out. "If you don't leave me the hell alone you'll regret it, Fabray."

The blonde that she couldn't see, but knew was sitting beside her, laughed. "I've heard worse threats from you," she said. The pillow was pulled from Santana's hands. "I realize you're hungover, but now it's time to deal with your day."

Santana rolled onto her back and opened a heavy eye to squint up at her friend. "What do I have to deal with?"

Quinn gave her a tight, but sweet smile. "You made an idiot of yourself last night and slapped Brittany's best friend."

A familiar pain shot into Santana's heart and she opened her other eye so she could glare at Quinn. She still resented those words being used in relation to Brittany and anyone but herself, even though she knew good and well that they weren't best friends anymore. They were barely even friends. Her glare softened, and she sighed as she pulled herself to sit up against the headboard. "How bad was it?"

"Pretty bad," Quinn replied. "You've done worse, but it wasn't pretty."

"She's gonna hate me, isn't she?"

"Possibly. A little."

Santana groaned at herself. Like she really needed that on top of everything. She was such an idiot sometimes.

* * *

Brittany sat across from Sam at breakfast and stared at the light bruise along his jaw. He nudged her foot under the table to get her attention, and she met his eyes.

"It's not a big deal," he said.

"It _is_ a big deal," she replied. "You're Sam and she hurt you."

"It didn't hurt that much, and...she's Santana."

Brittany grimaced at that slightly and picked up her fork. "That doesn't mean what it used to. She shouldn't have hit you."

"Doesn't seem like she's changed much since high school," Mercedes commented with a shrug.

"What does that mean?" Brittany looked over quickly, her voice a little sharp.

"Just...hot temper, you know." Mercedes slid her eyes towards Sam then back to Brittany.

Brittany poked at her pancakes with her fork. She really didn't understand her conflicted feelings at all. She was upset with Santana for how the woman treated Sam, but she also didn't want Mercedes to badmouth her. At least not high school her. High school Santana had been perfect. Maybe not perfect for the rest of the world, but perfect for Brittany. It was after that when everything changed and Brittany stopped knowing who Santana was.

"Britt, it's cool. Don't stress it." Puck tapped her plate lightly.

Her head shook and she pushed the plate away. "I'm not really hungry. I think I'm gonna go get some time on my own for awhile." She got to her feet and pulled money out of her purse to hand to Puck. She _had_ agreed to buy him breakfast after all.

"I'll buy," he said, shaking his head. "Call us later?" He didn't try to make her stay, because he understood her. She loved that about him. It wasn't easy to find people who not only understood her, but also didn't treat her like an idiot. Puck was so good to her that sometimes she wished she could just marry him and be done with it. Unfortunately, her heart was a complicated thing that she still couldn't trust anyone with.

"Yeah," she answered him. She glanced at her other two friends. "Sorry Sam, sorry Mercedes." And then she turned and left the restaurant with no real idea where she was going.

* * *

"I'm going to see my mom for a little while," Quinn told Santana as they rinsed their coffee mugs. "Should we meet for lunch later?"

"Okay," Santana nodded. "Just call me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Maybe I'll go drop in on Sue."

Quinn laughed. "Why would you want to do that to yourself?"

"You know me," Santana smirked. "I love to be tortured."

Instead of seeing her old cheer coach, Santana found herself standing in the hallway of McKinley at her old locker. There were so many memories rooted to that one spot, memories that she had banned from her mind for over five years, and bit by bit she started to let them back in. The pain that had happened there, the happiness; she felt it all over again. This time around though it was bittersweet, because she knew the ending. Maybe if she had known it then she would have stopped while she was ahead, and she could have skipped all the pain...

No. She never would have given up her time with Brittany. Despite the pain, there had been so much happiness. Being with Brittany really had been the best times of her life, as cheesy and cliche as it sounded.

"What are you doing here?"

It was a little too strange to be true, but she was hearing Brittany's voice. She turned around and Brittany stood there behind her. She also gazed over their old lockers and Santana saw a flash of something in her eyes. Those same memories ghosting through her mind, too.

"I...thought I'd visit," Santana answered carefully. She wasn't sure how to act after the previous night's phone call and with what had happened at the bar.

Brittany nodded at the answer and crossed her arms against herself. "Seems smaller."

"Yeah, it does. Every time I come back."

"Have you been back much?" Brittany wouldn't meet Santana's eyes, but Santana watched her closely. She couldn't help it, the girl was still breathtakingly gorgeous.

"No, not really. You?"

Brittany shook her head and let her eyes sweep over to meet Santana's for only a moment. "I guess neither one of us had many reasons to come back after we graduated."

Santana felt chills run down her spine at the comment, but she let it go. She wouldn't get into a fight with Britt, not there. Not when their phone call had gone _almost_ well the night before. She suddenly realized how badly she needed them to be in a good place. She needed Brittany not to hate her. She needed to not be mad at Brittany anymore. She wasn't so sure either of those things would be easily accomplished, so instead of shooting anything acidic back, she bit her tongue and nodded.

"I should go," Brittany said suddenly. "I came to visit Sue." She turned to start down the hall, but Santana stopped her.

"Britt, wait."

The blonde spun back around. "Why did you hit Sam?"

Santana knew that would come eventually, but her voice got caught for a moment before she could respond. "I-I was drunk. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't me you hit. You should apologize to him."

"And I will. When we're all together tonight."

"Good." Brittany nodded and watched the floor. Santana didn't even know what she wanted to say to Brittany, why she had stopped her, so she just watched her instead.

God she looked so grown up. Santana couldn't even describe how, she just looked older. She looked wiser, and a little bit harder. She knew a part of that was her own fault. As much as Brittany had hurt her that morning she left, she knew she had hurt Brittany many more times than that. It was why she felt guilty sometimes being angry with the girl. Santana knew she had screwed things up long before Brittany walked out on her.

"Thanks for...talking to me last night." She knew she had fallen asleep during their call. How many times had they done that when they were younger? Stayed on the phone until they both slept, on those nights they couldn't have sleepovers. Brittany nodded again and still said nothing. Santana couldn't blame her. There was little left to say between them that hadn't already been said. Some things multiple times, and some that would only end in anger and hurtful words.

Her hand came up to rub at the dull ache in her chest and she cleared her throat. "I'll see you later, Britt," she said, giving the girl her chance to leave. Again.

* * *

Brittany tried to step away again, but something rooted her to that spot. She brought her head up and looked at Santana once again. "When is this not going to be so hard anymore?" She watched Santana's face and knew that the question had surprised her. She waited patiently for an answer.

Santana moved her mouth a moment before she could answer, and when she did her shoulders moved up in a light shrug. "Maybe it won't."

"Maybe," Brittany nodded slowly in agreement. "Bye Santana." She moved to walk away again, and this time she actually did. Instead of going to see Sue though, she walked right out one of the doors and headed off of the school's grounds. She couldn't handle being in the same building right then. It was too much.

Before she could get too far a familiar voice called out her name. "Hey! Brittany!" She turned around and smiled when she saw Will walking over to her. "What are you doing here? I thought everyone was meeting tonight."

"We are. I just wanted to look around. It's been a long time."

He nodded with a warm smile. "It has. Honestly, seeing all you kids back here just makes me feel old. But it also feels like just yesterday I was watching you guys in the rehearsal room."

"It feels like another lifetime to me," she said. Or a life belonging to another version of herself; a girl she didn't even know anymore. She tucked her hair behind her ear. "How's everything going with the rest of the service? Do you need any help?"

"No, I think we've got it covered. There really won't be much to it other than people remembering Holly." His smile faded at the name and his hand slid into his pocket. Brittany looked down uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry you lost your friend, Mr. Shue. I-I bet she's really happy in her castle in heaven watching you do this for her. Like, she's probably making all of her other heaven friends watch with her." She glanced up, her cheeks reddening a bit in embarrassment. She knew she sounded lame. "I mean...I just...I think she'd really feel loved."

"I hope so, Brittany. Thank you."

"I have to go, but..I'll see you tonight." She waved an awkward goodbye and continued on her way. She was struck again by the memory of her old teacher, and the impact the woman had had on her life. She wasn't sure anyone would quite understand what it had meant to her. No one but Santana, of course.


	9. Chapter Eight

Santana walked over to where Sam and Mercedes sat in the auditorium as they all waited for everyone to show up. They were gathering together to work on a number for the service, and a few more people still weren't there. She was nervous. She didn't know how well it would go over, trying to talk to him, but she was willing to try.

"Hey Sam." She leaned to the back of the chair in front of the couple and crossed her arms. "I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about last night. I didn't mean anything by it."

"You didn't?" Mercedes answered for Sam. "Sure looked like you did."

Santana looked over at her old friend and shook her head. "I really am sorry. I...it's been a hard couple of days. I lashed out." She had gotten better at apologies over the years and recognizing when she was wrong, but it wasn't easy still to say so to these people. People that had known her so long ago. When she was someone else.

"It's okay, Santana. I understand," Sam spoke up. He reached over to squeeze Mercedes' hand before she could object. "I know how hard this must be for you, and I don't want you to think we have anything against you. I don't hate you."

That struck her a little harder than she ever thought it would, and Santana nodded. Why she needed his acceptance she didn't know, but it felt good. How could she possibly be angry with him for sticking by Brittany's side when she couldn't? All it was really was jealousy. Jealousy that he got to have that magic in his life and she didn't. "She's lucky to have you." Her eyes flicked over to Mercedes. "Both of you." Then she got up and walked off before she had to say anything more.

* * *

"Okay, crew," Will said with a clap of his hands. "This isn't Glee club or high school anymore, so I'm going to let you guys do what you need to do and rehearse your number. You've got two hours before one of the other groups want to rehearse theirs. But before you start, is there anyone that wanted a slot of their own to either say something or sing their own number?"

Santana didn't even plan on it, but her hand went up tentatively. "Yeah, I would."

Will nodded and wrote that down. "Okay, great. We'll fit that in."

She tuned out the next ten minutes, because she made the mistake of letting her eyes drift over towards Brittany who was watching her. Their eyes met and Santana held that gaze until Brittany looked away. She knew in an instant what she wanted to say and what she wanted to perform, and she knew that it would be extremely hard.

They all practiced for quite awhile. It was decided after much debate and a vote the night before that they would do "Hot For Teacher" followed by "She's A Lady". They knew both were songs that would have made Ms. Holliday laugh, and that was what would truly honor her.

Once everyone felt like they had it down they all started to gather their things and disperse. Santana was still on a slight high from being on that stage again, and she knew it was a good time as any to make sure she hadn't forgotten her other song. She caught Puck before he left the stage.

"Hey," she said.

He gave her a warm smile, and she felt comforted again by the fact that another one of Brittany's people didn't hate her. "Nice moves out there, Lopez. You've still got it."

She laughed softly and gave his arm a squeeze. "You too. I, uh...I was wondering if you could do me a favor."

"Depends on the favor," he replied.

"I need someone to play guitar for my song for Ms. Holliday."

"If I know it, I'll do it," he nodded.

"I...think you know it," she said, her voice a bit softer.

Santana sat down on the edge of the stage as she waited for Puck to get his guitar. Everyone else had cleared out, which made it a bit easier on Santana. Puck settled down nearby and started the beginning chords of the song she had told him she wanted to perform. A song that meant the world to her, and a song that she owed to Holly. Those opening chords gave her goosebumps and her eyes closed. She hadn't even listened to the song in years. She never could.

She opened her mouth to sing, but the words stilled in her throat. The guitar stopped and Puck waited patiently for her. He started up again and she took a deep breath.

_"Took my love and I took it down..."_

* * *

Brittany knew. She knew the moment Santana met her eyes in that auditorium what she was going to sing. Maybe because it's what she would have picked, or maybe it was because after all those years she still _knew_ the other girl. Either way, she knew and she didn't want to think about it. When Santana's eyes met hers she started to fall back to that place, to sitting on that stool in the choir room and hearing Santana open up. To the bittersweet joy she felt that maybe, just maybe, they could be happy. And then Santana had wiped it all away, erased it, just moments later. She had never once told Santana how much that had hurt.

She couldn't look at those brown eyes so she looked away. All she had to do was get through two more days. Two more days and then she could push all of it behind her again.

Puck told her to go back to the hotel with Sam and Mercedes after the rehearsal, and she had planned to, but as soon as she saw Santana sit down on the edge of the stage she couldn't move. She didn't run to catch up with her friends. She stood there, hidden in the darkness of the wings of the stage, and she watched. She needed to go. She needed to not watch them and not hear what she knew was coming, but she couldn't make herself leave. The opening chords of the song sounded across the stage and she felt like her ears and heart, her everything, was being assaulted. She hadn't listened to that song since high school, and with good reason. It hurt too much.

She blinked and chewed on the edge of her bottom lip as she watched Santana miss her cue. Puck started over and soon those words met her ears. Even more than before, she was taken back to the choir room that day. Taken back to the look on Santana's face, Santana's tears, and the pounding of her own heart. She had loved Santana so much more on that day, more than she ever had before.

She couldn't-

_"...oh, mirror in the sky, what is love..."_

Love was what she had for Santana for so long.

No. She couldn't take it. She turned around to run off, because she couldn't keep standing there. She couldn't listen to that song and not feel everything again. She couldn't listen to it and not accept that she wasn't over any of it and likely never would be. She didn't want to hear it at all.

As she spun around her heart pounded even faster and her eyes felt that familiar prickle of on coming tears. She tried to hold them back best she could and hurried backstage. She couldn't go out into the auditorium, so she buried herself as far behind the stage as she could where she no longer heard the song, aside from faint whispers of guitar.

* * *

"You sure you wanna do that one?"

Santana wiped the tears from her face as Puck packed up his guitar and she nodded. "Yeah," she replied. It was the only word she could get out.

"Look, I'm...not gonna get in the middle of anything, but..." He picked up his guitar case and looked up at where she still sat on the stage. "You and Britt need to let things go. Neither one of you is doing that, and things like this...that song...it's just bringin' everything back."

"I'm trying," she said, her voice not quite as strong as she wished it was.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I don't think either one of you are. But, you know. Not my business."

Santana looked down at her hands as they twisted together. "Is she happy?"

"She's great. Maybe not...the same Brittany she used to be, but this version of her's pretty happy. She just...hasn't let go yet."

She nodded, taking those words in, and then she looked up at him. "How can I help her do that? So...she's really happy again?"

Puck's shoulders rose and fell. "Maybe let her go. Let all of it go." Santana nodded again at that as her gaze fell once more, but she didn't respond. After a moment or two Puck spoke up again. "You want a ride home?"

"No." She brought her sleeve up to wipe her face again. "I'm...I think I'm gonna sit around here for a bit. I'll be fine."

With little argument, Puck left her by herself. She pushed herself to her feet and looked around the stage slowly. She had built so many memories on that stage and in those school walls, and still the happiest ones (and the saddest) had all revolved around Brittany.

She started to wander and soon wandered through the curtains and backstage. She was a few feet deep when she heard a creek. She looked sharply towards the sound. Brittany was standing there leaning back against an old support beam. Santana brought her hand to her heart that was suddenly racing.

"You scared the hell out of me," she said.

"Sorry," Brittany replied softly.

"I thought you left with the others."

"I meant to."

"Did you...did you just hear all of that?" She cared less about Brittany hearing the song and more about the conversation she had just had about her.

"No. I...couldn't."

Brittany's responses were short and quiet, and Santana took another couple of steps closer. It was when she could see a bit clearer that she saw the tears on Brittany's cheeks. God how she hated to see her cry. She hated to _make_ her cry.

"I know. I...maybe it was too far. Me using that as..." She faded off. It felt odd saying things that once were so easily left unsaid. Things that they could say without words.

"It's fine," Brittany replied. "I mean...she...without her and that song..." Her face dropped and blonde hair fell over it to hide her.

"I'm sorry, Britt."

"_Stop_. Stop saying you're sorry." Brittany looked up and wiped her red face, and swiped her hair behind her ears.

"I _can't_ stop saying it," Santana replied a bit louder. "I can't stop saying it, because I can't stop feeling sorry. I look at you and all I _feel_ is sorry. I feel sorry, and I feel angry, and..." She took a deep breath to calm herself before she started to sound too upset, or before she started anything. "Sometimes I hate myself, and sometimes I hate you, and I don't...I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry."

Brittany wouldn't meet her eyes, but she didn't hide her face either. Silence beat between them for several moments before Brittany replied. "Sometimes I hate you so much that I wish none of it had ever happened, and then...I just cry because...because I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"I don't want to feel anything about you anymore," Brittany admitted shakily. "I don't want to hate you or love you or..." And then she did drop her face to hide again. Santana looked away as well, off to the side. The familiarity of that feeling hit her a little too hard, and she could feel her own tears rising.

"Are we always gonna go around in these circles?" Santana asked, the question almost a laugh. She shook her head and looked back towards Brittany, who looked up. She was crying again.

"They make me really dizzy."

"Me too," Santana whispered. She couldn't move her eyes from Brittany's face anymore. She started to apologize again, but clamped her mouth shut. That wouldn't get them anywhere. Brittany's eyes finally met hers and something in them was begging her. Begging her to stop, to go away, to fix it all. She wished she could fix it. She wished she could turn back time and make different choices. She wished she could have told Brittany on their last night together that she wanted to try again, that she couldn't lose her. She wished she could take back her anger from the day before and the fight that followed, because after everything hadn't she deserved to be left that night? She wished... Well, she wished a lot of things.

She wasn't sure how she got there, but she found herself a few steps closer to Brittany and still looking her in the eye. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest that she was certain the other girl heard it. She watched Brittany's head shake back and forth slowly and she closed her eyes. She needed to back away. She needed to leave. They didn't need any more complication between them. She didn't need to recognize that familiar burning heat that bounced between their bodies, even all of those years later. She needed to leave.

* * *

When Brittany saw Santana move closer she tried to run. She tried to get far away from that moment and that person, but her feet didn't move. She didn't even blink. She pushed away the want and desire to give in to the moment, and screamed at herself in her head to move, but she didn't. She watched as Santana waited, stalled, and even though she meant to move she instead reached out to touch Santana's cheek softly. She couldn't resist it the way she stood across from her with her eyes closed. She was just so beautiful.

She could hear Santana's breath catch at the touch, and she let her thumb run against the dampness underneath her eye. Santana leaned in to her hand, and Brittany sighed. She watched Santana's mouth open to speak, but Brittany let her thumb brush over those lips instead. They closed on her thumb and kissed the pad of it gently. Her own eyes closed as well as she soaked that feeling in.

Santana moved closer, and close again, until her body was pressed to Brittany's and Brittany's back was pressed into the beam. Neither opened their eyes, and Brittany continued to let her fingers trace the lines of Santana's face. Slowly. Carefully. Mapping out every inch of it and pausing at all of the new lines it held. Each of those lines representing moments of Santana's life that Brittany had missed. Moments she hadn't been a part of. As she did that, Santana's hand fell against Brittany's hip and held tightly to it. Warmth overtook Brittany's entire body just with that hold and she let her free hand fall to the small of Santana's back to pull her body in even closer. Her thumb found Santana's chin, her fingertips her neck, and she took a moment to enjoy the feel of it all. The feel of that body against hers, the feel of each grasping onto the other, and the feel of both of their hearts slamming into their chests. Her lips parted, she tipped Santana's chin up, and their lips met. And after five years, five long years, they kissed.

* * *

**song:** _Landslide _by Fleetwood Mac


	10. Chapter Nine

It started slow. Lips on lips, bodies pressing together. On first contact both let out soft moans of _oh god finally._ Brittany moved her hand from Santana's cheek to slide through her hair, then settled it on the back of her neck. Santana's free hand moved to the beam just over Brittany's shoulder and braced herself on it as she tried to get as close as she could. Mouths soon parted as tongues found and retraced each other slowly. Searched for that familiarity, relearned the space and the taste. One of them, or maybe both, moaned again as the kiss deepened and as that slow exploring turned into starved craving. Craving of everything they had missed, and craving to have as much of it as they could get.

Brittany's hold on the other woman's neck tightened to hold her in place, and Santana shifted so their legs could fit between each other's to get their bodies even closer. Brittany adjusted her hand on Santana's neck again and accidentally pulled some hair with it; Santana groaned deeply. Santana felt the press of Brittany's leg between hers and gently rocked into it; Brittany groaned. At that sudden sensation, as she groaned, Brittany accidentally bit Santana's bottom lip. She played it off by being a bit more aggressive and let her teeth clamp down a little harder. She felt Santana shake against her and just for a moment their lips parted to catch ragged breath.

In that brief moment of calm, neither opening their eyes, Brittany took advantage of the moment and spun them around to slam Santana back against the column. There was a slight _oomph_ from Santana, but she still didn't open her eyes. Neither did because it could have ruined the moment. Instead Brittany just latched her mouth back on Santana's and charged forward in the kiss. It was harder, rougher, and when Santana's hands moved to Brittany's hips, Brittany grabbed her hands and forced them behind Santana's back and held them there. Santana bucked her hips against Brittany's and let the tips of her fingers curl against the hands that held her down. It was a fight. A struggle for control. And it was Brittany's turn to be in control. Her mouth moved from Santana's, her teeth pulling that lip again, and landed on her neck. She kissed the skin with tongue and sucked and nibbled at the exposed neck. Santana leaned her head back to give the girl more room and rocked into Brittany again. Her hands started to fight to be freed, but were held tightly in place. She bit her own lip hard as Brittany continued to leave her mark on her neck, and Santana whimpered.

"_Britt_." It was small, soft, and the tone begged.

The sound made Brittany pause, Santana stopped the fight to get her hands free, and they both stood there for a moment, unmoving. It was probably only seconds, but to both it felt like hours. And then Brittany lifted her lips and took a step back. She let go of Santana's hands, and Santana opened her eyes to stare up at the other woman. Brittany opened her eyes as well and their eyes met, each waiting for the other to speak first, neither wanting to be the one to give in.

* * *

Santana watched those blue eyes. She watched as the flame started to disperse and that haunted, grayish hue began to return. Her body still hummed, it screamed; she wanted more than anything to grab Brittany and pull her to the floor and fuck her senseless, but she couldn't move. Her hands wrapped against the beam behind her and she continued to watch Brittany. She had felt more in those moments than she had from any partner she'd had over the past five years. Yeah, she'd gotten laid, but that kind of heat? She never felt that anywhere else. After Brittany, no one could compare to the way she made her body feel. It was safe to say she hadn't had a really good orgasm, a Brittany level orgasm, since their last time together. Again and again and again their last time together.

_Fuck_.

Her eyes closed.

* * *

Brittany searched Santana's eyes just as she searched her own thoughts. She didn't need anyone to tell her why she had taken over like that. She needed it. For so long Santana had all the power in their relationship. Santana said when and where, Santana said when it was the end, and Santana had controlled the lines of what they were. It hurt. All of those years, looking back, it hurt how little control she had let herself have. Because really, she gave it up on her own. Sure she tended to take it back in the bedroom, but Santana had complete control of her heart, and she had smashed it.

She could see the want in Santana's eyes, and that alone made her shake from the outside in, but she couldn't. She couldn't give herself in again. She couldn't...

She watched Santana's eyes close and she knew that was it. That was her moment. Without a word, she turned and walked away.

* * *

Santana didn't open her eyes. She didn't have to. She felt the space clear, and she felt Brittany getting further away from her. Both emotionally and physically. So she waited. She leaned all of her weight, the weight of her entire being and her pain and her need, against the beam behind her, and she waited.

Only when she felt it was safe did she open her eyes, and as sure as she knew it Brittany was gone. Her heart ached more than it had in days and she let her shaky breath out. She didn't even realize she had been holding onto it. She closed her eyes again because she didn't want to see that empty space where Brittany had been. She didn't want to _be_ in that space where Brittany had been, where Brittany had sent her body soaring back to the mere definition of ecstasy, but she couldn't move. She wanted to give her time to get away, but also she was all locked up. She was locked up in fear, in hurt, and in sudden extreme frustration. So she instead sat herself down and leaned her head back, her eyes still closed tightly.

Yeah, she was still so very in love with Brittany Pierce.


	11. Chapter Ten

**A**/**N: **Any and all original characters belong to me. I know OCs aren't easily accepted in these fics, but please give her a chance. I also now have a tumblr if you'd like to follow for all things related to my writing: frayedattheends. I hope you're enjoying the story.

* * *

Brittany stopped outside of the school door and paused to catch her breath. For a moment, a short moment, she considered waiting for Santana and continuing what they had started, but she knew it was a bad idea. It was a terrible idea. She needed to get back to her hotel room and lock herself in before she did anything else as stupid as what she had just done.

She made it back to her room while ignoring the messages from Puck and Sam asking her where she was and if she wanted to go out with them. She didn't want to go out with anyone. She wanted the buzzing in her body to stop, and she wanted the images of kissing Santana to get out of her head. It had been so good though. Better than good, it had been amazing. No one had ever kissed her like Santana did. No one ever made her _feel_ the way Santana made her feel. Good or bad.

She sat down on the edge of her hotel room bed and brought shaking fingers up to her lips. Her lips that had just been connected to Santana's. Lips that had been on her neck, that had tasted that incredible taste again. She wanted so badly to give in. Give in to how good it felt, how right it felt, and the fact that she _knew_. Even before that kiss, she knew, in the end it would always be Santana. It always had been. She didn't _want_ it to be. She wanted to be happy.

Her hand moved from her mouth to fish her phone from her pocket and she hit one of her speed dials. She only had to wait through two rings before it was picked up.

"Hey Britt, how's Ohio?"

Brittany closed her eyes at the sound of her friend's voice. Friend/ex-girlfriend/friend with still occasional benefits. She never did know what to call Jessie anymore. Other than someone she loved having in her life. "We should get together when I come home," she blurted out before anything else.

There was a moment of silence on the line before Jessie replied. "What happened?"

"I shouldn't have come. It was so stu-"

"Don't say that word. Tell me what happened," the warm and comforting voice cut in.

"I kissed her. I fucking kissed her and...I shouldn't have."

"Was it good?"

"That's not the point, Jess!"

"So it was," her friend teased lightly. "Britt, honey, relax."

"I can't relax!"

Jessie sighed. "What did I tell you before you left?"

"To let things go how they're gonna go."

"Exactly. So why are you being uptight and trying to control it?"

"Because! I...I know how it's going to end and I...I can't do that again." Brittany dropped her forehead into her free hand and closed her eyes. Her mind and body were still back in that kiss, in Santana's body pressed against hers, and she just wanted to let the pent up frustration out. Her body was almost shaking to be released.

"You're over-thinking again."

"No. You and me...we're easy, right? We could...we could make it work," Brittany said meekly, her voice starting to tremble.

"No we can't," Jessie replied softly. "Do you remember the night we met?"

Brittany snorted a laugh. "Barely."

"Because you were wasted. Because every year on the anniversary that you got dumped, you-"

"Drink until it doesn't hurt anymore," Brittany whispers.

"And I came over to hit on you, and you told me everything. All I wanted was to get you to come home with me."

"I did," Brittany reminded her.

"Yeah," Jessie laughed. "And passed out on my couch. Britt...I knew then that no matter what happened between us, it wouldn't be enough. You did, too."

"Why can't we _make_ it enough?" A sob started to push up into her throat. She needed that. She needed it to work with someone that wasn't Santana, because it couldn't work with Santana. Not without pain. Not without losing herself completely again, and she refused to do that when she had finally started to find herself.

"Because," Jessie sighed. "You don't love me the most, and I don't love you the most. That's what's made us..._us_ all these years. We both already met the person we belong with. Only difference is yours is still around."

The dam broke and tears spilled onto Brittany's cheeks. Again. She wanted to stop crying that weekend. She was tired of crying. "I know, but...loving you wouldn't hurt this much," she argued.

"It wouldn't hurt, because you don't love me that much. If you were over her, if you didn't still love her...it wouldn't hurt anymore. It wouldn't anything."

"What do I do?"

"Talk to her."

"We've tried. Either we end up fighting or we end up with me almost tearing her clothes off."

"Brittany."

"What?"

"Talk to her."

"I can't," she cried.

"Yeah you can, babe. You can do anything."

Brittany just shook her head and continued to let the tears fall. Jessie stayed quiet on the other end of the line and let her. It was awhile before Brittany dried her face and sniffled. "She's singing _Landslide_ tomorrow."

"Maybe you should sing it with her."

"I don't know if I can."

"It might be good for both of you. Maybe...maybe it'll be closure," Jessie offered gently. "Or it'll open the door for you to _really_ talk."

"The last time we sang that-"

"You were kids."

"I...I don't.."

"What did it feel like to kiss her again?"

"What? I told you, I-"

"No, really. What did you feel when you kissed her?" Jessie asked.

Brittany closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. She let herself return to that moment and feel those lips on hers again. She exhaled shakily. "I felt...like I was home."

* * *

Santana flopped down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She almost had to laugh at how many memories it brought back. Her laying in bed hurting over how much she loved and needed Brittany. Only now it wasn't because she was too scared, well maybe a part of it was, but more because of how much she had fucked up when she was a kid. When she didn't know what she was losing. Or maybe she just didn't realize she really would lose her. All she knew after that kiss was that she wanted her back. She didn't care about the past, about the pain, she just wanted Brittany back. As her best friend or more; whatever Brittany would give her. Preferably the more.

She could still feel Brittany's touch on her. She could feel lips ravaging her neck and hands locking hers behind her back. There was no denying how hot it had been. It was always hot when Brittany took control like that, and she actually loved it that way. She always had. They both knew who really took control behind closed doors and she didn't care. It had always turned her on so much and made her feel like she belonged to someone. She belonged to Brittany, and that was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Her eyes closed as she thought of other times she had lain in that bed. Times that Brittany had been with her, dominating her like she had earlier, leaving her mark.

She could barely control the moan that bubbled in her throat. God did she miss it. She missed Brittany. She missed Brittany so damn much that it hurt to even breathe anymore. If she could have just kept her mouth shut, not said her name, maybe they would have continued. Maybe Brittany would have kissed down her neck, and her chest, and her breasts. Maybe she would have slid her hands up Santana's stomach and peeled off her shirt. Maybe she would have hoisted Santana's skirt up and moved her perfect, long fingers between her thighs, and-

Santana jumped up and went into the bathroom, immediately peeling off her clothes and climbing into the shower. If she was going to finish those thoughts she was going to finish them under the pounding of water where no one could hear her.

It wasn't enough. She sat on the floor of the tub and let the hot water spray over her, and while she felt pleasantly calm from the come down, it wasn't enough. _She _couldn't even get herself off the way Brittany could. No one could. No one could _love_ her like Brittany had. And she gave that up, why? Because they were both sad? Because it was hard? Why had she been so stupid to think Brittany would accept it and wait for her? A girl that perfect and wonderful?

Again she felt tears coming on. She really didn't want to cry _again, _but she couldn't stop it. It was like one release led to another and all of the pain she kept trying to bury just pushed itself back up. At least no one was around to see it that time. She pulled her knees up to her chest and just let herself cry as hard as she needed to. As much as she fought it, as much as she still hurt over the way things had happened, she wanted everything back. And she knew that she probably wouldn't ever get it.

* * *

Brittany had ended her phone call with Jessie and curled up under the covers of her bed. She turned her phone off so she wouldn't have to hear it go off, because she really didn't want to talk to anyone. She knew Puck and the others were out so when she heard a knock at her door later in the evening she was surprised. She tried to ignore it, but whoever was out there was persistent.

She threw the covers off of herself and stumbled towards the door. She checked the peephole and sucked her breath in when she saw a familiar blonde standing in the hallway. With a deep breath she opened the door. "Hi Quinn," she said evenly.

Quinn looked up at her with large, warm eyes and gave her a half smile. "Hey Brittany. Can I come in?"

Brittany couldn't be mean so she just nodded. She took a step back to allow Quinn past her. "You didn't go out with everyone?"

"No," she shook her head and stepped inside as she looked around. She waited for Brittany to close the door and spun around on her heel to face her. "I miss you, Britt."

Brittany was a little surprised at those words and she blinked. "Oh..uh, I miss you too."

"I mean, really. We..." Quinn paced over to the bed and perched on the end of it. "We were getting really close again while I was with Noah, and...and we..." She bit her lip and trailed off.

"You dumped him and we stopped talking as much," Brittany answered simply. While she did fault Quinn for that a bit, she didn't dislike the girl. She still considered Quinn a friend. Just maybe not as close as they had been. All the same, she wasn't so sure she could handle that conversation right then. The day had already had too much emotion and words and she didn't think she had anymore in her. "Can we...talk about this tomorrow or something? I'm...I'm really tired."

Quinn looked up at Brittany. "We don't have to talk about everything that happened. I just wanted to...come check on you. I saw Santana when she got home, and..." Her hands folded in her lap and she looked down at them for a moment before bringing her eyes up again. "I thought you might need a friend."

"Shouldn't you be with _her_?" The question might have come out slightly bitter.

"I'm not picking sides."

"Why not?" Brittany had been certain Quinn would pick Santana if she had to. It felt like she already had.

"Because I love you both and think you're both being stupid," Quinn answered simply and honestly.

A small smile curled at Brittany's lips and she shook her head. She moved over and sat down beside her old friend. "I...I really miss you too, Quinn."

Quinn wrapped an arm around her friend and Brittany leaned against her shoulder. They sat in silence for a long time before Quinn pressed a kiss to the side of Brittany's head. "The last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt you."

Brittany's eyes closed and she forced the emotions to stay back. "Me too," she murmured. "But we did anyway."

"She's too stubborn to realize she still loves you, you know," Quinn said.

"No...she knows," Brittany said, her voice still soft. "She doesn't want to, and...neither do I."

"You can't make yourself not feel something you feel. And...you can't make yourself feel something you don't." Quinn's voice went quieter with the second part of that statement and Brittany understood.

"He always loved you more than you loved him," she said, speaking of her roommate.

"That was the problem."

It was almost like Brittany hadn't thought of that, hadn't realized it. She pulled away to look at Quinn with gentle eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't...think of it that way."

"It's okay. You were looking out for him. The way I handled it was..._terrible_, I can admit that." She brushed the hair from Brittany's forehead. "I was never mad at you."

"I should have been a better friend to you after and...seen what was going on," Brittany replied. She was usually so good at seeing what no one else did.

"Well, I didn't exactly let you close enough to see."

Brittany considered that silently for awhile and sighed. "When is everything going to be easier?"

"I wish I knew," Quinn laughed bitterly.

"Do you have to leave?"

There was a smile on the other blonde's lips. "Not if you don't want me to."

"What about...Santana?"

"She's a big girl, and she has to share me." Quinn smiled and Brittany returned it. "Come on," she gave Brittany's shoulder a squeeze. "You should get some sleep."

Brittany nodded and crawled under her blankets again and curled up. She watched as Quinn kicked off her shoes and stretched out beside her, turned off the light, and moved against her. Brittany felt her friend's arm go around her and she closed her eyes with a smile. "No funny business."

Quinn just laughed. "Still straight, Britt."

"If you say so, Q." She answered with her own small laugh. It felt good. It felt good to have Quinn nearby and to laugh.


	12. Chapter Eleven

**A**/**N**: If you want to find "Without You" by My Darkest Days on youtube and hit play when you see the astrik * later in the story, it does add a little something extra. Or just listen to it when you're done reading. Click one that's around 4:15 long if you listen while you read, because I did line the story and song up as best I could. As always, feel free to find me on tumblr at frayedattheends.

* * *

Her morning had been a blur. She knew that sometime in it all Quinn had come back to the house and they'd gotten ready together. They both put on their red dresses, did their hair and make up, and made their way to the school. They met up with the rest of their group in an empty classroom, the girls all in varying red dresses and the boys in black suits with red ties. The outfits had been decided as a group. They wanted red because they knew Ms. Holliday would have liked that. At some point Will had come in to check with them and give one of his little pep talks, that he had apparently not outgrown, before leaving again. The only thing she remembered about being in that room, the only time her morning found any focus, was when her body alerted her that Brittany was nearby. Brittany, who came in with Puck and Sam and Mercedes; Brittany, who wore the red dress better than any of them.

She tried to keep her eyes off of the other woman, because after the night before looking at her wasn't helping anything. But it was hard. She had finally had to move to a corner of the room and do her vocal warm-ups alone. Everything spun past her again after that. A part of her was nervous, sure, but everything was also surreal. To be back there, going through the same motions, only that time for a heartbreaking reason. It was a blur. The group making their way to the auditorium, Shue's opening speech, Figgins speaking, and the first group performing. The current glee club was to go first, followed by the other groups, going backwards in order until their group. In between it all were other speeches from students and teachers and friends alike, but Santana couldn't remember any of it. It was like she was asleep or in a cloudy, thick bubble the entire time.

She remembered a few glances over at Brittany, when her day again momentarily cleared, and she saw tears on the blonde's cheeks. She wanted nothing more than to go to her side and wipe them away, but she didn't. Eventually Mike nudged her out of her trance to nod that it was time to go up on stage. She got to her feet and went with the group, with the people that had once been more important to her than she ever would have admitted, and somehow she made it on stage and through the performance. Later that day she wouldn't have been able to explain how she did it or how it even went, because again it was all a blur. She couldn't remember a single step she took or word she sang. All she remembered was the weight on her heart, and the darkened flashes of memories that took her back to the choir room with Ms. Holliday and Brittany. To the three of them alone, to the three of them performing, and to the way Brittany had felt in her arms after that song.

She thought about her song, and the things she wanted to say, and she felt suddenly guilty. Guilty, because instead of thinking of the woman they were there to honor, she was freaked out about her own life. About keeping her distance from Brittany, about not remembering their kiss the night before, and about how she was going to get through her moment later. It was in that moment of quiet and respectful applause after their performance, when she was standing still in between Sugar and Mike, that she realized just how little she was actually there mentally. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. She had to stop. She had to push everything aside and remember why she was there.

When she opened her eyes again her friends were clearing the stage and Puck brought a stool over to her. It was time. Her time. The stage and auditorium cleared up around her, like coming out of a fog, and she gazed out at all of the faces in front of her. She watched as the rest of her group found their seats again. She looked for Brittany, but didn't see the blonde. She couldn't think about that though. Obviously Brittany wouldn't want to watch her sing that song again. It was hard enough for Santana to even _sing_ it again.

She stepped back and sat on the stool that Puck had brought to her while she kept her eyes on the people sitting before her. She thought back to all those years ago when she had still been scared of who she was, when she couldn't say it to the club much less the world. And right then she was about to sing it to an entire auditorium of people. Most of whom she didn't even know. The fact that she didn't care one bit, that alone reminded her of how far she had come.

A microphone had been set up in front of her and she took one more deep breath before opening her mouth to speak.

"The first time Ms. Holliday subbed for our glee club I was going through...a really hard time. I was scared, and I didn't know who to turn to. Ms. Holliday was there for me. Even though I didn't actually learn the lesson she tried to teach me for awhile after, I still have her to thank. She helped me understand that...that it was okay to be in love with whoever I was in love with." She could feel her voice strain at the mention of that word, at the unmentioned girl in the back of her mind, and cleared her throat. And not just the blonde girl, but the girl she herself had once been. So terrified, so alone; but at the same time so thrilled because of the person she had in her life. As alone as she had felt trying to climb out of her straight girl hole, she hadn't been. She hadn't known until it was too late what it was really like to be alone. What it was like to be without Brittany.

She had to cut her speech short or she wouldn't make it through. She had to stop _thinking_ or she wouldn't make it through. She knew it. "I was struggling with accepting my sexuality, and she helped me. Even though she wasn't around when I finally came out, I have always been...so grateful for her part in it. I wish I could have thanked her in person _now_, as the woman I am today, but...I-I think this will have to do. She sang this song with me a long time ago, and hopefully she's up there somewhere singing along now."

Her eyes fell shut again, because she knew she wouldn't be able to start the song if she was looking at Brittany's empty seat. Her brows knit together as those familiar opening chords started up.

* * *

Brittany wasn't sure why she stayed off-stage after their performance. Something kept her there though instead of joining everyone back in their seats. She watched as Santana stood on the stage alone, and watched Puck set up on his guitar behind her. She took that time to let her eyes slowly wander over the woman on the stage from the secrecy of the darkened stage wing.

Santana was beautiful. Without a doubt she was always beautiful, but when she started to speak and Brittany heard what she had to say, heard how much older she sounded, she had never found the brunette more beautiful. It wasn't the first time that weekend that Brittany marveled over how much older her once best friend was, but as she stood there and listened to Santana speak so frankly about her high school struggles, she was amazed.

She had kept quite quiet and to herself all day. From waking up with Quinn, and heading to the school, she had a lot on her mind. Both from the night before and from thinking of Ms. Holliday. It was a somber day and it was a sad day. She was sad. Sad in a way different from the days before, from the years before. She didn't like death. Not at all. And the day had that ugly, gloomy color of death surrounding it. It made her heart hurt. A lot. But as she stood there and watched Santana, she couldn't help the small smile that pulled at her lips. That was her girl out there, and god was she so proud of her girl.

When Puck started the opening chords of the song her heart clenched, but it wasn't quite as painful as the night before. She had been more prepared this time. What she hadn't been prepared for by hearing it, by seeing Santana out there, was what it would do to her. Before the first verse was even finished, Brittany found herself walking out onto the stage with a stool and settling herself down beside her old love. Santana was so wrapped up in the song that it wasn't until Brittany eased into the song with her that the other woman even realized she was there. Brittany watched Santana as surprise etched onto her face and she opened her eyes to look over. They held that gaze for several long beats as they sang on together.

_Can the child within my heart rise above?_

_Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?_

The connection and the words and the song hit too hard, and Brittany had to look down. She stayed though. She stayed and she sang right along with Santana, and she tried her best to stay in the moment they were in and not take herself back to that same moment seven years before. That moment had been too good and too wrong all at once, and this wasn't that moment.

_Well I've been afraid of changin'_

Brittany felt Santana's hand slide on top of her own that rested on her knee, and she turned her palm up so their fingers could weave together.

_Cause I've built my life around you_

* * *

She was falling, spinning, circling fast fast fast down into her emotions, but then she wasn't. Then Brittany was there, and the woman's presence alone started to bring air back to Santana's lungs. It shifted her world into focus. And when Brittany's fingers gripped around her own, she was brought down to solid ground. Brittany pulled her in and held her in place, just as she had always done. No, Brittany wasn't meeting her eyes anymore, but Santana wouldn't look away. She wouldn't take her eyes off of the beauty beside her. The most incredible person she had ever known.

_So take this love and take it down_

She squeezed Brittany's fingers so tight and willed the blonde to look up at her, because she hadn't been able to do it right seven years ago, but she could at that moment. She could say, without a doubt or care in the world, that Brittany was everything. Her everything. She had never stopped being her everything, even when they were nothing. Brittany finally looked up and Santana held onto those blue eyes as hard as she could. She poured her love and apologies and thanks into that gaze, and she prayed that Brittany would see it.

_If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_

And then just for a moment, her eyes closed. The words continued to come from her lips, but in her mind she thought of Holly's smiling face, and she thanked her. Thanked her for opening her eyes, even if she hadn't wanted to look back then.

_Well maybe the landslide will bring you down_

There was another somber and polite applause, and neither woman looked out in the audience to see their friends, the people that had seen them sing it seven years before, rise to their feet for them. For them, for Santana, and for Ms. Holliday.

Santana just kept staring at Brittany, and in the reflected gaze she saw, finally, every ounce of love the girl had once had for her. For just a moment the pain was gone and they were seventeen again. They were seniors, they were in love, and their world began and ended in between each other.

And just as quickly, the moment ended and Brittany walked off stage.

* * *

Brittany stumbled slightly as she hit the curtains, but she continued on past them. She only got a few steps further when she heard Santana behind her. No, she didn't hear Santana, she just knew. Santana was behind her. She stopped and brought the heels of her palms up to her eyes. She didn't want tears, she'd had enough tears that weekend to last a lifetime. She had cried enough tears over Santana to last several lifetimes.

"Britt." The voice was soft, but filled with the same pain that Brittany felt beating at her heart. She turned around to face Santana and immediately found her eyes. They too were holding back tears refusing to be shed.

"She would have been disappointed in us," Brittany finally croaked out.

"What?" Santana took a step closer. Brittany closed her eyes and shook her head because she wasn't making sense and she needed to make sense right then. "Why?" Santana's gentle voice brought Brittany's eyes open again. No, she didn't need to make sense. Santana always understood her.

"We messed it all up. We were...we were supposed to be better. Do better and...be better." She knew her words were coming out twisted and choppy. She tried to catch her breath, but it was wanting to give in to her held back sobs. "She wanted us to be happy and we weren't!"

"We were," Santana nodded as she took a deep breath and another step closer. "For awhile...I was _so_ happy. I've-...it's never been like that since."

"She was alone!" Brittany threw her hands down at her side and clenched her fists. She didn't want to sound like some pathetic child having a tantrum, but she couldn't stop the words that fell from her mouth. It hurt. It all hurt, and she was so confused. "She never got married, or had a family, or-or-" In an instant Santana's arms were around Brittany, and Brittany let herself melt into the embrace. She rested her head to Santana's shoulder and hid her face in the woman's neck. Her hands moved around to grip at Santana's back. "She was alone," she cried out as she finally let her tears fall again.

"You won't be," Santana murmured, her hand rubbing Brittany's back. She tilted her head so her lips could brush Brittany's forehead. "You won't be alone when you die."

Brittany didn't reply, she just held on tighter, because she knew that she didn't have to say anything else. Santana understood what she was trying to say. It sucked. It sucked so much that Holly had never let herself give in to love, and it sucked that Brittany knew she had been doing the same thing for years. And it sucked that if she kept doing it she would end up alone. And it sucked. It all sucked so much, and the only time she could remember life not sucking was when Santana had been in it.

"You're still my best friend," Santana went on. "You'll have me."

* * *

It took awhile to come down from the aftermath of their performance, but eventually Brittany dried her face and left Santana's embrace. The two awkwardly fidgeted through brushing themselves off and calming down. No more words were exchanged as they took a few moments before going to meet their friends. The memorial was over and there was a small gathering going on in the cafeteria.

Brittany waited until they got near the cafeteria doors to stop and look at Santana again. "Um...our hotel, they're doing some kind of karaoke night tonight and a bunch of us were gonna go hang out there. If you want to come...that'd be okay. I'd be okay with it." She watched as a small smile bloomed across Santana's lips and she nodded.

"Yeah...that might be nice."

"Okay," Brittany nodded back and walked through the doors into the cafeteria. She still didn't know exactly how to act around Santana, and she just really needed a moment to breathe. The first person she spotted when she walked in was Puck, and she went right into his arms. He hugged her tight and kissed the top of her head. "I'm okay," she assured him in a whisper.

"Was never worried," he whispered back.

She didn't stay long. She knew she would see all of her friends later, and there weren't a lot of other people she cared to see. It was nice to catch up with some of the kids she had been in glee with during her second senior year, but they had never really meant to her what the others had. The day had taken a lot out of her and she really just wanted to go lay down, so she tried to sneak away swiftly. She didn't do such a great job and Puck followed her out. Instead of insisting he stay, she let him take her back to the hotel where she pulled on some sweats and curled up for a nap.

As she closed her eyes and pulled the blankets around herself tightly, she let her mind slip back into that warm place of being enveloped in Santana's arms, and she easily drifted off to sleep.

When she awoke later she realized she had slept for the rest of the afternoon into early evening, and Puck was sitting on the edge of her bed, bouncing, as he tried to get her up. "Sam and Mercedes are waitin' on us, come on. I want food."

She laughed sleepily at her roommate and kicked out at him. She missed, but that didn't matter. "I'm getting up," she said with a yawn. Brittany pulled herself out of bed and quickly got ready for dinner with her little adopted family. She would stress about what to wear down to the bar later when they got back. And she would put off the nervousness about Santana being there until then as well.

* * *

Santana and Quinn walked into the hotel's bar area and spotted their old crew immediately. It was kind of hard not to considering almost everyone was there. They easily overpopulated the rest of the hotel patrons that congregated in the bar that night. Already the music was going, and as easily predicted, Rachel was already up on the small stage singing.

"Just like the old days," Quinn smirked, looping her arm through Santana's.

"Yeah," she replied. She tried to sound indifferent, but she knew she didn't. It was actually a nice scene to walk into, and for once that entire weekend she was feeling relaxed. Of course Brittany wasn't there yet, so that had a lot to do with it. She smoothed out her dress and ran her fingers through her hair.

"You look fine," the blonde beside her said with an eye roll. "Just like you looked fine five minutes ago when you checked your reflection in the window." Quinn detached herself from Santana and walked over towards Tina and Sugar.

Santana knew she looked hot, she always looked hot, but she didn't _want_ to just look hot. She wanted...well, she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted Brittany to notice her. Obviously with the short and tight black skirt with white top and heels combo she had picked out anyone would notice her, but she needed something more from it. Something she couldn't put into words.

The air changed, and she turned around. Her eyes immediately zeroed in on Brittany crossing the lobby and heading towards the bar area. It was all open so she had perfect view. Perfect view of a beyond perfect specimen. Brittany wore a simple white sundress that fell just below her knees with thin straps around her shoulders. Over it she wore a blue sheer top that hung off of her shoulders and made her eyes practically glow. She was breathtaking. Simple and breathtaking. She walked into the bar and glanced at Santana with a small smile and nod, and she actually stopped in front of her.

"Hey," the blonde said.

"Hey," Santana replied. Neither said anything else and a moment later Rachel shouted across the bar at them.

"Brittany! Brittany's here! Brittany, come sing with us! Santana, you too."

The two looked at each other with smirks and moved over to join the other girls who had gathered together. There was really no way they were going to get out of it, and they knew it. Everyone knew to just go along with Rachel. Or rather do as told by Rachel.

They sang _Livin' On A Prayer_ as a nice shout out to their youth, and everyone cheered them on. Santana found herself laughing and having fun, just as she always had back in the glee days. When the girls finished their song the guys bombarded the stage and pushed them all out of the way. They cleared the stage and let the boys have it, and Santana looked on as they started up another old song from the past. It brought a grin to her face to watch them, to look around at everyone, and see how much older they all were. To see how far they had all come.

She felt a nudge in her arm as she bopped along to the music and glanced over. Brittany gave her a small smile and nodded towards the bar. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Warmth overtook her cheeks, maybe out of nervousness or maybe out of joy, and she smiled. "Sure," she answered.

* * *

When Brittany finally had a drink in her hand and was sat on a stool beside Santana, she didn't know what to say. She wasn't sure what had prompted the sudden offer. Probably the high from the fun they had just had together, or maybe just from watching how happy Santana had looked. Either way there they were, sitting side by side, and Brittany didn't have a word to say. Apparently Santana didn't either because they both sat quiet and gripped tight to their drinks.

It was weird, but not at the same time. Everything was still there between them, all of the anger and hurt and confusion, but it was softer. A little further out of reach than it had been before. Brittany quickly swallowed half of her drink and cleared her throat. She still had nothing to say. She didn't look at Santana, because she wasn't sure what she would see there. She wasn't sure if it would make that pounding in her heart even harder than it already was. She was nervous. She was actually nervous to be sitting with Santana and having a drink with her. How many times had they gotten drunk together in high school? But everything was so different. So, so different...

It wasn't long before her drink was gone and a second was in her hand. She didn't look to see if Santana was keeping up with her or not, she couldn't move her eyes from the glass she held.

The world moved on around them, and she could hear the distant din of the people around her enjoying themselves. Music, song, and laughter. A far off thought in her mind hit on the idea of how much fun Ms. Holliday would be having there with them all, but it was only a whisper of a thought. An echo. Everything sounded like it was in a tin can, and the only thing she could hear clearly was her own heartbeat and every breath in and out that Santana took beside her.

"You look really great tonight."

The words actually made Brittany jump slightly. She looked over at Santana and slowly looked her over. She already had, of course, but she did it again and let herself smile softly. "You do too."

"Thank you for singing with me today. I don't think I could have gotten through that on my own."

***** "You're welcome," Brittany replied, her smile fading slightly. They both took long gulps of their drinks. Music cued up over the speakers, but Brittany barely registered it. Her eyes fell back into her glass and she studied the ice there.

Then it was sudden. Out of nowhere. Every sound faded even further around her, and all she heard was the song being sung on stage. She knew in the back of her mind that it was Puck singing, and she vaguely recognized it as something he listened to a lot, but none of that was a thought in her head. All she could hear was the words, as though that song were the only sound in the world at that moment.

_Cause without you I'm a disaster, and you're my ever after_

_Cause I need to know your answer, I want you to say you're gonna stay with me_

_I die every day that you're away from me_

The air tightened around her and she took a thick breath in. She couldn't. She couldn't dare look over at Santana. Everything pounded harder; her heart, her head, the silence in between them. She closed her eyes as the words over took her, and for the first time ever she _really_ listened to them. She didn't know why he had to sing that song, and a part of her wanted to yell at him to stop. It _hurt_. She wanted to block it out and not listen, but there was no way she could do that. Not once it had begun to seep into her.

Fingers touched her elbow, but her head slowly shook. She wasn't going to look up. She wasn't going to find those warm, brown eyes waiting for hers. No. No. No. Nails softly ran on the point of her elbow, up and down, gentle, urging her to look up. Her lip sucked in between her teeth and air pushed out of her nose. Slowly, slowly like she might break into five million pieces if she went too fast, she brought her head up.

She forgot how lost she could get in Santana's eyes. How caring and kind they were. They always had been, even when no one else realized it. For Brittany, it had been the sweetest gaze she had ever known. Those brown eyes didn't leave hers, and she didn't look away. She couldn't. Santana's touch moved down her arm and it sent shivers everywhere. Goosebumps popped up all over her skin, and while the slow touch was excruciating, it was also fantastic. She held her lip tighter between her teeth. She fell, drowned, in Santana's eyes. She couldn't come up for air even if she wanted to.

When Santana's hand reached her own, Brittany let their fingertips curl together for only a moment before she withdrew her hand and reached it out to Santana's face. It wasn't a processed thought as she did it, but her touch ghosted across Santana's temple. She brushed dark hair back and let her hand fall gently down Santana's soft, beautiful neck. How often had she buried herself in that neck? Breathed the girl in? She knew how that crook felt against her face so well, she had the scent ingrained in her memory.

Santana's eyes closed at Brittany's touch, but her hand reached up and wrapped around the blonde's. She squeezed tight and Brittany released her lip from her teeth. She let Santana squeeze her hand as hard as she needed to and just watched her. There was pain wrinkled on the other woman's face, and Brittany knew that she had put it there. Maybe it hadn't started that way, but it had happened. Brittany had hurt Santana. They had hurt each other.

And for five years Brittany had been without her, and it was terrible. Every single year was terrible.

_Cause I need to know your answer_

_I want you to say you're gonna stay with me_

_I die every day that you're away from me_

Brittany brought Santana's hand to her lips and held it there as she closed her eyes, too.

_So just say you'll promise me_

_Please, take me if you ever leave_

_My heart breaks with every beat_

_I die every day that you're away from me_

When the song ended they both opened their eyes and looked at each other at the same time. Santana took her hand back, and this time it was her head that slowly shook. "I..." She couldn't seem to get the thought out, but Brittany didn't need to hear it. She couldn't. She was already on her feet and moving out of the bar and back across the hotel's lobby.

* * *

Santana left some money for the bartender and quickly followed Brittany. She didn't know what to make of everything that had just happened, of that song or the moment, but she wasn't going to let Brittany get away. She caught up to the blonde at the elevator where Brittany was slamming her thumb into the button repeatedly.

"Britt," her voice betrayed her and shook out in a weak whisper.

"I can't." Brittany wouldn't even look at her.

"Britt, look at me."

"No."

With a quiet _ding_ the elevator doors parted open and Brittany ducked inside. Santana didn't waste any time in following her in, and she cornered Brittany in the corner of the lift. The doors shut behind them, but neither pressed a button. Brittany still had her back to Santana.

"Britt." Santana set her hands to the railings that lined the walls of the elevator and trapped Brittany in even more. The elevator doors opened and closed as it sat there motionless, but Santana ignored it. Her eyes were glued to the back of a perfect head of blonde hair. She took a step closer and her body was all but touching Brittany's. It felt good to be that close. It felt good and bad all at once, and she had to take a deep breath just from being that close again. When she let out the shaky exhale she tried again. Her voice went softer. "Look at me." She breathed it across the back Brittany's ear, thanks to the heels she had decided to wear that night.

Brittany tightened and pressed herself further into the corner while the elevator still tried to figure out what they were doing. Santana swung around and hit a random number before enclosing Brittany again. She still wouldn't turn around.

"Britt-Britt." She knew that name was near forbidden. Something that was glued to the past, held tightly in their most intimate of moments. She watched Brittany flinch at it.

"I wanna get off the roller coaster." The words were quiet, so quiet, and slightly muffled. They were also sad enough to tear at Santana's heart like claws on flesh.

"I can't," Santana replied. "No matter how sick it makes me." She finally took the risk and pulled her hand from the railing and set it on Brittany's arm. Slowly, Brittany finally turned around. It was awkward in the small amount of space Santana was allowing her, but she turned around and leaned back into the corner as she looked into Santana's eyes. Brittany's eyes were dark blue and lined with red. Santana reached out and cupped Brittany's cheek as she leaned their foreheads together. She had meant to say something more, but words wouldn't come out.

The elevator doors opened again on the random floor, but when neither moved they closed. Then the elevator hung there in suspension as it waited to be of use again.

Brittany brought her hand up to Santana's arm and held it there, squeezing tightly as though she had to hold onto Santana to ground her. "Call me that again," she murmured.

Santana pushed her body closer, relaxed against her, and whispered, "You'll always be my Britt-Britt." She hardly got the whole nickname out before Brittany's lips were on hers, swallowing the name.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**A**/**N**: First I'd like to go ahead and let everyone know, so you're not disappointed, I don't write shameless smut...or really smut at all. What's in this chapter is the closest I get. If that upsets you, I'm sorry. Personally, I loved writing it this way. It felt beautiful and organic for them. Secondly, if you want to look up _Connect The Dots_ by _The Spill Canvas_, that's the companion song for this chapter. (If you follow me on Tumblr, I'll post it in a bit.) There's no one spot specifically it correlates with, it's just perfect for the chapter. That and _Safe and Sound_ by_ Taylor Swift_ and _The Civil Wars_. I had them both on repeat as I wrote this.

Lastly, I'd like to thank my anons and a few specific followers on Tumblr (you should know who you are) for cheering me along in getting this chapter out. It took me longer than I would have liked. ALSO, A very happy birthday to the Santana to my Brittany. This...is not your birthday present. It's coming. (But you can pretend this is a part of it if you want xD)

* * *

She never thought her weekend away would end up with her naked body underneath Santana's, panting the brunette's name. Or maybe she had thought about it. Maybe a small part of her had hoped. Had known. Because wasn't that them? Could they ever _not_ be them? Could those fingers hitting that spot, that mouth pulling at her earlobe, that perfect scent surrounding her; could that ever be avoidable with them? It never had been before.

But the moment she knew where they would end up? The moment that she did more than hoped, but needed? When she heard that name on those lips.

_Britt-Britt_.

Oh god did it take her back. Back to their playful youth when it was all a game, and to the most whispered moments when it said everything that couldn't be said. When it was love, and need, and begging. When the girl couldn't say any of those words that Brittany saw pounding behind her eyes, back and forth in her mind. The words that Brittany didn't need to hear but craved so badly. The words that she knew before Santana did. The _I need you_s, the_ I want you_s, the _Be mine and one one else'_s. But mostly, mostly when she heard that name on those lips in that small voice, it was something else completely. It was _love me_, _please love me and need me,_ _because I'm nothing_. But no, NO. She was always something. She was always everything. And she was Brittany's something and everything, and Brittany could never turn her away when she said her name like that. Not when it was quiet, not when she wasn't being playful.

And there in the elevator she wasn't being playful. The name thrummed through Brittany's heart and all she could feel was the need to have and take and show Santana how perfect she was. (But neither of them were perfect, wasn't that the problem?) She wanted to fight it, she still wanted so badly to fight it, but she needed to hear it again. She needed to feel what it did to her. She needed to hear the words that Santana wasn't saying with the ones that she was, so she asked for it again. That name and that voice.

_You'll always be my Britt-Britt._

And she kissed her. She took Santana's breath, swallowed the name, and kissed her. Because somewhere between the words the other woman said and didn't say had been the _I need you_ and the _I want you_ and the _please say I'm yours_. (She would always be Brittany's, even when she wasn't, because she always had been. No one else could have Santana the way she did.)

Brittany couldn't say any of it. She couldn't think it. If she thought too much she'd stop, and she didn't want to stop. She hadn't wanted to stop the night before and she didn't want to stop then, because the taste of Santana sent her higher than she had been in years and she didn't want to come down just yet. It was more free than she had felt in so long, even though she was locked in a claustrophobic cluster-fuck of emotions at the same time.

It was slow. Gentle and tentative, and so unlike the kiss before. Even though the small space spun around Brittany as though their lips were racing for a medal, every movement was careful. Like they might have broken each other had they kissed any other way. As though each other were glass, or might disappear into a fog of a dream. Just lips and soft caresses of tongue. Brittany wanted to melt at the touch of Santana's tongue. Instead she moaned. She didn't even mean to, but all she could think about was the softness and the memory of the taste. It took her back. Back to hundreds of kisses before, back to that tongue on her neck and her body and her- She moaned again.

As soon as she did she felt Santana's nails dig into her hips where they had fallen as soon as Brittany had kissed her. That only sent her body humming even higher, and she pulled from the kiss as her teeth slowly released Santana's bottom lip. Santana grunted softly and tried to reattach their lips, but Brittany pulled back. Her eyes were still closed and her heart was pounding harder than it had in years. Five years to be exact. She knew she didn't want to start thinking, because thinking is what kept causing her to walk away, but it was there. It was in the back of her mind telling her she couldn't. She shouldn't. And yet, words slipped out of her mouth of their own accord.

"Say it," she whispered.

"Say what?" The whispered words hit her lips and she had to hold herself back from attacking those lips again.

"Say it." The words were no louder, but that time she opened her eyes. She found herself staring right into confused brown eyes and she didn't waver. It took a moment, but those brown eyes slowly melted back. Melted inwards.

"Britt..." Despite Santana's weak protest, Brittany said nothing in return. She just stared at her. She knew what she wanted and she knew what she needed, and they were two different things. What she needed was words. Actual words. She waited, and she waited, and her brain caught up to her. She started to ask herself what she was doing when she knew that she couldn't do it again. She started to tell herself to let go and to run, but then everything stopped. Her air was gone with the sound of Santana's voice. "I need to be in your arms." The words were softer than anything else spoken so far and Santana had leaned in closer and gripped on tighter. Forehead to forehead Brittany saw that she had closed her eyes. Her own eyes dropped shut at the confession. Again she said nothing. She wasn't sure she could even find words in that moment. She felt hands move up and hold her face, and even weaker and smaller words hit her skin. "I need _you_."

Brittany deflated at those words. No, it wasn't the first time she had heard them, but that didn't stop her from dying a little inside every time she did. In a good way. Because how long had she waited to hear them? How long had she gone _without_ hearing them? Her hands slowly moved up Santana's arms and wrapped around her wrists tightly. Her body sank closer against the body pressed to hers and she felt fire spark at every spot they connected. Her lips opened to speak as she breathed hot breath against Santana's lips. She heard a desperate gasp and instinctively her lips went closer, but she stopped herself. When she spoke again she could feel her mouth brushing Santana's. Her words were but a murmur; air between their lips. "To fuck me or make love to me?" She didn't know where it came from, but she didn't regret it. Worse, she didn't know which one she wanted it to be. She heard another, higher whimper and she could feel Santana shudder against her.

"Both," she whispered in reply, and she rocked her hips just once into Brittany's. At the same time the elevator jerked to life and started to descend.

The two women jumped and pulled apart quickly. Their eyes met as Santana moved away, and they held the gaze while the elevator moved. That was all Brittany needed. She glanced up and saw they were almost at her floor so she quickly reached out and pressed the 3 button. The elevator stopped to deposit them and she stepped off. She turned and stared back at Santana, and it only took the other woman a moment before she followed Brittany off. They stood in front of each other for a few beats as the elevator closed and disappeared behind them, then Brittany held her shaking hand out to Santana. It was met with Santana's hand, also shaking, and they gripped onto each other tightly as Brittany led them down the hall to her room.

Both remained quiet as Brittany took out her keycard and let them into the room, and as she stepped aside to let Santana enter first. She followed her in and shut the door behind them. Neither could say a word. Brittany watched as Santana slowly stepped through the room and looked around at it as though she needed something to look at that wasn't Brittany.

With a deep breath Brittany followed her further into the room and didn't take her eyes off of her old lover. Still without a word Santana turned around and faced Brittany, and they stared each other down. Brittany didn't know if she was supposed to make a move or Santana, but she was too caught up in just being mesmerized by her. As though that was the moment she finally could get away with it.

Santana reached a hand out and Brittany stepped forward to take it. She inhaled sharply at that familiar spark that shot up her arm and the comforting softness of the hand in hers. A hand she had held so many times when they were younger, soft and strong, but fragile. Everything that Santana had been. Brittany closed her eyes as she let her pinky in their held grasp gently stroke at Santana's. Pinkies. _Their_ pinkies. What she had of Santana when she couldn't have her. She always took as much as she could get.

In the next moment Brittany felt herself being tugged, and she opened her eyes as Santana pulled her closer to the bed. She sat down and took Brittany's other hand, holding tight to both, and tugged again. Tugged until Brittany slid herself onto her lap with her knees resting on either side of Santana's hips. Santana released one of Brittany's hands so she could bring her own up and caress Brittany's cheek. Brittany couldn't take her eyes off of Santana, and the eye contact wasn't broken by either side. She wrapped her free arm around Santana's waist to better hold herself in place, while the other changed their hand hold so she could weave their fingers together. Her fingers brushed up and down Santana's back slowly. Her breath hitched as Santana's hand moved from her cheek to her neck, and she couldn't help but close her eyes. On instinct her head tilted. At the same moment she was rewarded with Santana's lips on the skin of her neck, and Brittany gasped. She had forgotten how those lips felt on her skin. How could she have ever forgotten how good it was? How the hell did she go so long without it and not wither away? Because that closeness, that soft wet kiss to her neck (oh god, then her throat), it brought her alive. It was every secret, every purpose, and every reason for life.

* * *

The sounds Brittany made beneath her lips sent flames through Santana. Through every inch of her. The reverberation of the moans and gasps in Brittany's neck made Santana's lips quiver. But it was so good. She tasted so perfect, and Santana didn't ever want to stop tasting her. Her lips moved along Brittany's neck, then down the line of her throat, then up the other side of her neck. She let her tongue draw slowly against the spot her ear connected with her neck and closed her mouth over the blonde's earlobe. She sucked on the skin there and pulled at it with her teeth. Brittany's hand pulled from hers and settled both on Santana's shoulders where they gripped tight, nails digging in. That made Santana groan deeply as she returned to the beautiful neck before her. She knew Brittany would end up with marks, proof of the moment, but she didn't care. She wanted it. She wanted Brittany to remember the next day, for days after, how only Santana could make her feel. How they worked together, and how perfect their bodies were for each other's body.

A part of her wanted to tear Brittany's clothes from her body and take her, but she couldn't stop herself from slowly relishing the woman in her lap. She slipped her hands up Brittany's sides, pulling the blue top as she went, and tossed it to the floor beneath them. She watched the way Brittany looked in her lap, those blue eyes closed as she waited for more, and she leaned in to connect her lips to Brittany's collarbone before a strangled cry could escape her lips. She took her time across the woman's chest, down the valley of her breasts, and moved up again. She needed Brittany's lips. Too long she had gone without those lips, and she couldn't stay away from them long.

She reattached their kiss, and in a slow and building way it started to heat up. She needed it. She needed the taste of Brittany's mouth refreshed in her mind in case this was it. In case she never got it again. Her hands held Brittany's neck, Brittany's sliding down her back again, and she just focused on the kiss. Heat seared all throughout her, and she hadn't wanted something so much in _years_, but she didn't push. She was determined to savor every moment.

Only when she absolutely had to break away for air did she release the lips in hers. She didn't pull far away, but she found Brittany's eyes with her own as they both panted. The gaze was thick and strong and didn't break for a second. It was more than it had been before. More than longing, more than broken memories; it was the thickest kind of desire that ever there was. The kind she had only ever felt with Brittany.

That was the moment. That was the moment that Santana could have told Brittany she still loved her, that she had never stopped loving her, but words wouldn't bubble up her throat. She could only show her. That was what she had in her.

Without moving her eyes from Brittany's she reached for the bottom hem of Brittany's dress and gently pulled it over her head. Brittany hoisted herself up from where she had settled close in her lap and let Santana ease it over her ass and up her back. Brittany's arms rose and Santana removed the dress and set it aside. She couldn't hold the blue eyes any longer, she had to look down. Brittany's perfect, beautiful body in nothing but her bra, panties, and ankle boots; settled down in her lap again. She couldn't tear her eyes from the sight. Her body may not have been as tight as it was when they were teenagers, but it was still gorgeous, and clearly Brittany still took care of herself.

Santana let her hands slide down Brittany's arms, her hips, her thighs, and her legs. The blonde shivered in her arms. Her body still screamed against her head; made her fingers itch to pull the bra from the body on hers and let her mouth explore the breasts it hid from her. Instead she held tight to the woman and scooted back on the bed a bit, and when Brittany moved with her Santana gently laid her down on her back. She rested on her knees beside Brittany's legs and picked up her right foot to unzip the boot and toss it away. Her hand ran over the top of the blonde's foot before she took the left boot to do the same. As she slipped it off and tossed it aside she noticed something. Faded, ragged colors tied around Brittany's ankle. She frowned and held Brittany's leg up a bit more so she could look closely at her ankle. (It was a good thing Brittany was so flexible.) Santana felt Brittany watching her, but all she could look at was the braid around her ankle. The anklet Santana had given her for graduation on their last night together. Her fingers touched it gently and she looked up to Brittany's waiting gaze in question. Had she kept it this whole time? Had she ever...even taken it off? She studied Brittany's face carefully, took in the way her blue eyes were a shade darker, the way they glistened with tears, and the slow nod. She'd never taken it off.

Emotion caught in Santana's throat and she let Brittany's leg go, but repositioned herself so she could kiss the ankle softly. She moved her kiss up Brittany's leg and reached her hand up. Immediately Brittany's hand intertwined with hers and they held on tight to one another. As her lips slowly moved up Brittany's leg, leaving soft and direct kisses as she went, her knees straddled Brittany's body. The blonde whimpered above her, and her thighs shook, but Santana didn't stop. She couldn't quit worshiping that body. When her lips brushed the inside of Brittany's thigh she heard a moan that sounded like her name. She nibbled softly on the skin there with a smirk and Brittany's hips rose off of the bed with another moan. Santana bypassed where she wanted to stop most and spread a kiss against Brittany's hip, ran her tongue against her perfect hipbone, and moved her kisses to her stomach. As she moved up Brittany's body her knees crept further up the bed. With each inch her own body got closer and closer to Brittany's until she could feel her clothed skin brush that of Brittany's bare. Brittany was gripping her hand tighter and soft begs of her name tumbled from the blonde's lips, but Santana continued. Her tongue dipped into her belly button and slowly licked up her abs. God she had always loved those abs. She burned inside. She felt seconds away from breaking and just ravishing Brittany. She paused just below her ribcage and pressed her lips there, not pulling back. Brittany's free hand had moved to cup the back of Santana's head, but their other hands continued to hold onto each other.

Santana was stuck there for a long time. Her eyes shut, her lips pressed firmly to Brittany's skin. Her heart pounded mercilessly in her chest, and she was still battling back all the emotions wanting to surface. It wasn't about having Brittany's body, or sex; not just. It was everything. Her youth, her adulthood that had been miserable without Brittany, and Brittany...who still wore the anklet. Who never took it off. _That_ was her Brittany. Her sweet, loving, wonderful Brittany. The girl who was able to always surprise Santana with how much she cared, how much she loved her, no matter how terrible of a person she had been. It wasn't the girl who left her alone in that bed in the middle of the night and never looked back, because that person – that criminal that she had to invent in her mind – had never existed. It was just Brittany. And how the hell had she lasted five years without her? Without her smile, and her kiss, and her laughter, and everything that was that incredible blonde beneath her?

She didn't realize she was crying until she tasted the salty tears on Brittany's skin. It took her a moment to even realize what they were. She wanted to make them stop before Brittany noticed, but right away she was pulled up the bed and wrapped inside of Brittany's steady arms. She felt like an idiot. She felt like she had done nothing but cry all weekend. But the moment then was just too surreal for her, it was too much. She buried her face in Brittany's neck and held on tight to her as she willed another apology out, willed herself to tell Brittany she still loved her, but no words came out.

* * *

Brittany's body was sky high at what Santana was doing to her, but when she realized Santana was crying everything froze. She didn't know why or what she'd done. She did the only thing she knew to do, and pulled the woman into her arms. Held her tight, kissed her forehead, and murmured soft shushing sounds into her ear. Her body was still racing for Santana's, but that mattered little compared to the moment. She closed her eyes tightly and thought of all the pain they had both been carrying around for so long. It was easy for her to hate Santana and feel betrayed by her, but she had been wrong too. They both had. They should have tried harder to, if nothing else, at least rebuild their friendship. They owed it to their younger selves. And they didn't. They just both gave up and crammed it all away as far as they could get it.

It had been a long time since she held a shaking, crying Santana in her arms. She ducked her lips down where Santana's face was pressed firmly to her neck and kissed her cheek. When the brunette tipped her head back slightly, her eyes still squeezed shut, Brittany kissed her other cheek. She wanted to take it all back. Take back the years, and the sadness, and every tear she had made Santana cry. It was once the last thing she had ever wanted in the world. The rest of the world broke Santana, not her. She was the one there to hold her up and remind her that there was somewhere where she was safe, where she was always wanted. Brittany's lips showered kisses across Santana's face. Over her nose, her forehead, her temples, her chin; she wanted to kiss every tear away. As she kissed her face, Santana's head leaned back more and more to offer herself up to Brittany, and Brittany leaned over her slightly as she still held her tight. As her lips pressed to Santana's, the other woman tipped her face and Brittany caught her lips instead. She took those lips happily and kissed Santana deeply. She pressed her body close, held on tighter, and gave herself over for Santana to drown in. (She was already drowning herself, she drowned every moment she was around the woman.)

She was okay with just kissing for awhile. More than okay. The longer she kissed Santana, the dryer the brunette's face became, and the deeper it was reciprocated. When she felt Santana's hands on her back, nails gently dragging up and down, she smiled slightly into the kiss and let her hand fall to Santana's hip. Her kisses turned more playful, nipping lightly at the lips she knew so well. She could feel a smirk begin on those lips, and it warmed her heart. It also started to warm everything else back up.

She moved over Santana more fully and continued to kiss her while her hands slid up the woman's sides under her shirt. Santana's hands stopped at the clasp of Brittany's bra and Brittany felt it pop open. With a giggle she leaned up so it could be removed, but that giggle quickly turned into a blushing smile when she saw how Santana gazed up at her. Her mouth opened to say something, to ask Santana what she was staring at, but in a half-beat Brittany was flipped underneath her. She was under that body again, and she wasn't about to complain.

Well. Aside from the fact that the body still had clothes on. As Santana leaned down with her aim clearly to Brittany's breasts, Brittany pushed her back up. Before Santana could protest or even whine Brittany was pulling her dress off. She grinned up at Santana and looked down between their two bodies. She was hot. She had always been so hot, but that night she was incredible. Brittany needed more. She yanked Santana back down and closed her eyes as she pushed her body up. Santana took the hint and resumed in tasting her body immediately. Brittany moaned louder than she had before, and her fingers gripped through Santana's hair as she leaned up into it more. Santana's mouth on her breasts was too much and she felt everything start to go gray and spinny around her. Her legs came up so her knees could lock against Santana's hips, and in no time she was rocking her own hips up against Santana's.

Santana took her time on her chest before moving up and across her shoulder. Her lips fell on every freckle they could find, and Brittany whimpered. As much as she loved the way Santana was treating her body, she wanted more. She felt Santana start to move down her body again and the loss of the feel of their hips together made her pout. She looked down and watched as Santana kissed the freckles on her stomach and waist and moved across her hips and along the edge of her panties. She was so turned on, but so enamored all at the same time. She felt like a prize. Like some kind of slow journey Santana was taking for the sweetest of treasures. She felt treasured. _She_ was Santana's treasure. She felt the tug of her panties sliding down her body and raised her hips again. Rubies, diamonds, and gold; that's what she felt like at that moment. The most precious and desired treasures of them all.

* * *

It's what brought Brittany to writhing under Santana's body, feeling her touch, and breathing out the woman's name in sharp whispers. Her head was still spinning from where she had felt Santana's kisses only moments before, and she hadn't been given a chance to enjoy the come down before gentle touch replaced gentle tongue. She held on to Santana, held on as tight as she could, because it was all too much and too little all at once. The cocoon they had lost themselves in was hot and suffocating and she couldn't breathe. Maybe she never wanted to breathe again. Maybe she never wanted to let go again.

For the second time that evening Brittany found herself in the most intense orgasm she'd had in years. Her body wasn't there, it was miles above where they lay on the bed, floating. She was floating. Everything was fuzzy, but clear. She could barely feel anything but the blissful aftermath, and everything was right there in her grasp. No fears, no heartache, no thoughts. Just Brittany and Santana, and the simple fact that Brittany could never be happy any other way. She had never even wanted to try.

She barely noticed that Santana had settled at her side and pulled her into her arms. She didn't register the fact that her body had molded itself to Santana's, or that her hot, slow breaths were against the woman's chest.

It was minutes later when she finally tilted her head back and looked up into Santana's warm, sweet eyes, and Brittany smiled. Santana smiled back and touched her cheek affectionately, and Brittany leaned up to kiss her lightly. It was her turn. Her turn to make Santana feel like the most incredible diamond in the world. _Her_ diamond.

* * *

Santana wasn't concerned with getting her turn right away. Yeah, she wanted it so much, ached for it, but holding Brittany in her arms as she fought her way out of her fog was something she wanted to cherish. Every moment. She couldn't be sure if or when she'd ever get those moments again. When Brittany moved in her arms again and kissed her, Santana felt herself falling into it weightlessly. As wound up as she was, that soft kiss made her feel like she was soaring free.

Brittany eased Santana further onto her back and straddled over her again. She let herself meet Brittany's gaze for a moment, but it was too much. She saw adoration, heat, and every moment of their history in those blue eyes, and she couldn't take it. Her eyes closed. She felt Brittany's body backing down hers slowly, and her breath hitched at the feel of their skin brushing together. She felt nimble fingers slide up her sides slowly, tantalizingly, and move under her back. Her back arched and she felt her bra come off. She waited. She expected to feel touch or lips on her skin, but instead the rest of her underwear was pulled off, down over her heels. Goosebumps spread across her skin at being so revealed in the light of the room and Brittany's gaze (she couldn't see it, but hell if she could feel it), but she didn't open her eyes. She wanted to _feel _everything and not get lost in thoughts or in Brittany's eyes.

She fully expected her shoes to come off next, but Brittany just slid her fingers up her leg and brought her body up with it. Holy sweet justice, she was leaving Santana's strappy black heels on. For some reason it felt sexy as hell, even though it was her own body. Hands ghosted up her legs and her hips. She wanted so much for those hands to be replaced by lips. Her body moved with Brittany as she let out soft gasps of air. It felt good either way. It felt...it felt like nothing else could.

Brittany's body was flush against Santana's, and her hand tickled Santana's hips softly. A smile spread across Santana's face, but she also hummed in pleasure. She felt kisses brush across her eyelids and she knew Brittany wanted her to look up. She took a deep breath before opening her eyes. Brittany's blue eyes hovered right above her own, and she was pulled in immediately. She couldn't look away. She felt Brittany's hand move up her body, settle at her breasts, and she gasped. Her body lifted up to Brittany's touch. The more the blonde touched her, the more Santana's eyes tried to drift shut as her breath got heavier. She fought it. Brittany's eyes hadn't left hers, and she was determined to not be the first to break it. She knew that she had always done that before, in the past, but not this time.

Even when Brittany's touch moved lower, that perfect touch that she had been needing from the moment she had seen her at the beginning of the weekend, she struggled to keep her eyes open. Through her moans and cries, through her heeled shoes digging into Brittany's skin and the blonde groaning deeply, she held blue eyes with hers.

She'd been right when she got herself off the other day. Nothing was like what Brittany could do to her. Nothing even came close. It was during her own come down (she really wasn't sure she'd ever recover, and maybe that was okay because she could have stayed there forever) that Brittany took her own chance to kiss the body beneath her. She tried to concentrate on the feel of Brittany's kisses on her, but they just felt like waves of warmth moving over her. She was out of it. So very out of it. She only snapped to when she felt her legs being pushed further apart, and Brittany's kisses lowered. She whimpered, unsure she could handle anymore, but she wanted it. She wanted everything. Every part of Brittany that she had always been too scared to hold onto and never let go of. Especially that part. Oh god, especially that tongue.

* * *

Neither slept. Their eyes would drift shut, but then open quick and wide as they fought sleep. Brittany had finally relieved Santana of her shoes, as hot as it had been, and then they lay curled up in one another. Their bodies faced one another, limbs intertwined, and gazes switching between locked and looking down bashfully.

Brittany didn't know what any of it meant, and she didn't want to ask. Aside from moans of each other's names, they hadn't said a word since the elevator. She wasn't ready to ruin that. It was like their silence helped create the bubble that they had found themselves in. The bubble that protected them from the world outside and from everything that wasn't worked out between them. All that was between them at that moment was nothing. Just skin, smiles, and soft kisses.

She could tell Santana was as tired as she was, and Brittany kissed her forehead. She wanted to tell Santana to sleep, but she knew Santana was fighting it for the same reason she was. Because once they woke up they would have to deal with it. Deal with everything. Once they woke up the bubble would burst and they wouldn't be able to hide in it any longer. Brittany didn't want to close her eyes. She didn't want to ever lose the way Santana was looking at her. Her hands caressed Santana's back as Santana's did the same on hers, and she twisted their ankles together more. She felt the anklet on her leg brush between their skin and she blushed.

There had been so many times over the years that she had tried to take it off and let it go, but she couldn't. Every time she moved to untie it, her heart screamed in silent pain. She had done her best to hide it all weekend because she didn't want Santana to know, but the look in the brunette's eyes when she saw it was...indescribable. It was as though she had made Santana happy all over again, and she did love making Santana happy. But could she do it again? Could she even try? She was too scared of heartache, and even Santana couldn't quell that. She was afraid they would screw it up all over again and she'd end up alone again. Already they were following in repeated mistakes by doing everything in the wrong order. They were supposed to try and be friends first, before bringing sex into it.

Had she just made the worst mistake of her life? Hadn't she sworn she wouldn't fall into this place again? Her heart started to pound in her chest and her eyes closed. She didn't want them to, but she couldn't keep them open. Especially not with the questioning look she saw in Santana's gaze. She felt herself fall into a dark pit of fuzzy blankets when she finally let her heavy eyes shut, and her thoughts began to fade. The last thing she felt before falling into a hard, deep sleep was Santana's lips against hers.

* * *

Santana saw the fear start to slip back into Brittany's eyes, and it hurt. She knew that they probably wouldn't last beyond that night together, but she wanted to. She had never been more certain of wanting to spend her life with someone as much as she did with Brittany. Had she really come that far? Grown up that much? She never thought that far into the future, or far into the future much at all. But this was Brittany, and how could her future be anything else _but_ Brittany?

She didn't want to close her eyes either. Santana saw Brittany struggle to keep hers open, and she didn't want to sleep either. No, she couldn't. She had to stay awake. The last time she had fallen asleep with the blonde in her arms she had woken up alone, and she wasn't so sure that it wouldn't happen again. She knew how scared Brittany was, how uncertain, and she couldn't bear to go through it again. Maybe that was perfect reason for them to let go, and a small part of her yelled at herself over it. The fact that she would always be afraid that she would wake up to Brittany being gone. That should be reason enough to not want it, but no. She wanted it. She wanted all of it. If she had learned anything that weekend, it was that life was precious. She didn't want to get a phone call on some unsuspecting day down the line and find out that the girl she had once known, once loved, had died and they had never gotten another chance. She couldn't face that kind of regret. Even if they would only be friends, she couldn't lose a life with Brittany.

No, she had to stay awake. If she fell asleep Brittany would be gone, and so would everything. She wouldn't let that happen. When she saw Brittany finally give in and close her eyes, she leaned closer to press a soft kiss to her lips. She couldn't let go yet. She couldn't go to sleep. She _wouldn't_. She had to stay awake both for herself and for them, because awake meant she could stop the worst from happening again. Awake meant she could save them. She held Brittany closer and listened as words whispered across her mind.

_Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay...awake...stay..._


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**A**/**N**: Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that we're nearing the end of this story. I appreciate all the support and reviews _so much_. Keep them coming, because I worry a bit how this one is received with all it's angst. Anyways, before you get disappointed there _will_ be a sequel. To me it feels like the rest of their story needs to be it's own piece and that's why I've decided to separate them into two. I hope you enjoy the last few chapters. I'm sorry for more angst, it's kinda inevitable. They're getting there though.

* * *

When Santana woke up the next morning she felt clearer than she had in a really long time. And though she had a moment's confusion of where she was, as soon as she remembered a calmness washed over her. In the same second it vanished because she knew the bed beside her was empty. It was cold and far too familiar for her taste. Her heart started to hammer in her chest as she sat up and rubbed her eyes. Sure enough the room was empty apart from herself. Everything inside of her sunk. She knew. She knew she never should have fallen asleep, because she could have stopped the other woman from leaving. Couldn't she? Or was the night really as fleeting as-

A creak. The bathroom door opened with the echoes of a flushing toilet, and Brittany stepped into sight in nothing but a tank top and panties. It took several beats for Santana to catch her breath and slow down her heartbeat. Not from the sight, but from the fear that had shattered through her only moments before. Brittany paused and looked over at Santana who opened her mouth silently for a second before speaking.

"You're still here."

Brittany stared at Santana with a deep understanding of that statement, but it took her a moment to respond. When she did she just quirked a half smirk. "Well, it is my room," the blonde stated dryly. Santana could see those blue eyes fall and trail down what she suddenly realized was her topless form uncovered. She grabbed the sheets up and covered her chest.

"I-I thought you'd..." She didn't want to say the words aloud. Couldn't.

Brittany shook her head and hesitated before stepping over and sitting on the edge of the bed. One leg tucked under herself and one remained planted to the floor. "I'm still here."

The brunette nodded and looked down. She felt stupid for her panic, and even more she felt ridiculous at her obvious neediness that morning. Was it neediness though? Or simply a desire to be treated better than someone who meant nothing to the blonde? Because that blonde meant the world to Santana, and she realized that even more the night before. Brittany hadn't stopped meaning something to her and she never would.

"We...probably should talk though," Brittany cut in softly.

Santana raised her eyes again to meet the blue eyes she knew far too well and she nodded. "Yeah. We should."

* * *

Brittany had hesitated. When she awoke and found that perfect body curled to hers, dark hair over her pillow and against her skin, the first thing she felt was peace. The peace shifted into fear in just a second and she had clambered to her feet and away from the intoxicating scent of her ex and the sweaty sheets around them. She yanked a shirt and underwear from her bag and pulled them on. She had sweatpants in her hand as she stumbled to where the bathroom door and room door stood together, and she paused. Either she could put those pants on and leave, returning later once Santana got the idea and cleared out, or she could...not.

She looked over her shoulder. The one thing she hadn't let herself do all those years ago. She looked back at the woman in the bed she had just left and watched her as she slept.

Santana was fucking perfection. In that really messed up not perfect way. She was a mess, they both always had been, but that beautiful mess had always been perfect to Brittany. She still was. She was _her_ beautiful mess, and maybe she didn't know what she wanted to do about her beautiful mess, but not even time could change what Santana was to her. Hers.

They had screwed it all up. They'd found happiness, and neither one of them had tried hard enough to hold onto it. But could they really get it back? They were so different than the kids they had once been, and some of the most pivotal years had passed them by already. What could really be done to save anything?

Brittany wasn't sure, and she wasn't sure she wanted to stay and face Santana, but something greater than herself had her turn to the bathroom door and step inside.

And she stayed. And she found herself sitting on the bed near Santana (a very naked, very beautiful Santana that she suddenly realized she wouldn't mind kissing again).

They did need to talk, but Brittany had no idea where to start. They had already said so much in the past couple of days. They had yelled, argued, apologized cried, and...and they had held and relished each other's bodies in the way only the other could. All the blame had been thrown out, the pain, the apologies (whether heartfelt or not); so what else _was_ there to say? Hadn't they said the last of it with their silent touches the night before? Even though not a word had been spoken, they'd communicated so heavily through the night. They never had much need for words in the past after all.

So where was the beginning so far after their end? Could there even be one?

She hadn't taken her eyes of of Santana's, and she watched as Santana pulled her knees up to her chest to hug them. Brittany licked her lips and pushed her blonde locks back from her forehead.

"Last night..." She began slowly, and her heart sped up at the memories of the night before. The touches, the sounds, the inches of skin that she had missed so much; it all flashed through her and heated her cheeks up. She watched a moment of fear flash through Santana's eyes and quickly continued. "I don't regret it. I...I could never regret that. Being with you." She watched Santana's eyes soften and warm before flicking down for a moment. When she looked up Brittany's eyes were still waiting there for her.

"Me either," she breathed out in reply. "But..."

"But," Brittany nodded.

"I think I need some time to think," Santana said quickly. "Can we- what time is your flight out today?"

"Four-thirty," Brittany replied. "Yours?"

"Nine tonight."

"Okay," the blonde nodded, pulling her lip between her teeth.

"Can we meet later? Maybe after lunch?"

"Yeah, sure. Um..where?"

Santana shrugged and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'll text you?"

"Okay."

A silence fell between them again and Brittany didn't know what to say. Her eyes fell to her hands and stayed there until Santana cleared her throat. She looked up again.

"Uh...do you mind..." Santana's hand waved towards her clothes on the floor. "I just...I'm not..."

"Oh! Right." Brittany got to her feet and wavered beside the bed. They weren't there anymore. Where they could just get up and dressed in front of each other. "Right." She grabbed the sweatpants she had discarded in front of the bathroom and slipped them on. "I'll just...uh, wait. Outside." She paused for a moment, but then turned and walked out of the room, letting the heavy door shut behind herself.

She stepped over and leaned back to the wall beside the door and closed her eyes. _Fuck_.

* * *

Santana climbed from the bed and grabbed her top and skirt from the floor. She looked down at them and sighed. "Look at your life, look at your choices, Lopez," she muttered to herself. She glanced over at Brittany's bag and knelt down before it. Inside she found another pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. She pulled them on, both a bit large, and both filled with the incredible scent of Brittany. Her eyes closed at that and she exhaled. God how she loved and missed that smell.

She pushed her messy hair back and tried to smooth it down as she looked for her purse. It was on the floor by the door. She reached inside for her cell phone and popped a piece of mint gum in her mouth as she checked her messages. She had texts from Quinn asking where she was and later assuming correctly and instructing her to call immediately. She groaned to herself and dialed the other blonde in her life as she stepped into the bathroom to quickly inspect herself.

"Tell me you didn't," Quinn greeted.

"Where are you?"

"I'm in Sugar's room. I didn't want to go back to your parent's house alone," Quinn replied in an annoyed tone. "Are you in Britt's room?"

"Yeah. Can...can you yell at me later and just meet me in the lobby?"

"Fine. But this is far from over."

Santana ended the call and let out a heavy sigh. She looked a mess through the mirror, but she couldn't do much about it. She grabbed the plastic laundry bag from the room's closet to shove her dirty clothes in and exited the room. Brittany was leaned against the wall outside in wait.

"Sorry," Santana said quietly. "I hope you don't mind..." She motioned to the clothes. "I didn't- I can bring them back later."

"It's fine," Brittany nodded. "Just text me?"

"I will."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment and Santana realized Brittany was waiting for her to walk away. She squared her shoulders back and brought a hand up in a motionless wave. Lame, but whatever. She turned on her heel to go but was stopped by a hand on her elbow.

"Santana..."

She turned back to Brittany. Brittany's hands pulled her by the arms until their bodies were close again, and then those soft hands cupped Santana's cheeks. Brittany drew Santana in and kissed her lips lightly. Santana's eyes fell shut as she easily returned the kiss, a sigh falling from her nose. She hadn't realized how badly she needed that in their goodbye. Words still weren't easy between them, but when she opened her eyes and met Brittany's they both smiled small, shy smiles.

"Bye," Brittany whispered.

"Bye," Santana whispered back. Then she did turn and walk for the elevator, and didn't look back. But she knew Brittany was still there behind her, watching her go.

* * *

Brittany waited until Santana disappeared into the elevator and the doors closed before she slipped back into her room. She paused and looked around at her own clothes still spread on the floor, and she looked at the rumpled bed. Shivers of good memories from the night before ran through her body just from the sight of the bed.

She groaned to herself and rubbed her forehead. She shouldn't have kissed Santana just then, lead her on, but she'd had to. She had _wanted_ to kiss those lips again so much. She grabbed her cellphone and flopped down on the bed, subconsciously curling up on the pillow Santana had slept on. She had texts from everyone. Puck, Sam, Quinn... Had _everyone_ seen them leave together? Did everyone figure out what had happened?

She didn't know what to do or what to think. She wasn't sure what the hell she was going to say to Santana later, and no amount of talking to her friends was going to help her with that. It was her problem. Her's and Santana's. All the same, she needed her friends. She needed her roommate.

She dialed his number and held the ringing phone to her ear. It rang several times before it was answered. "Th'fuck?" Puck's voice came out in a sleepy grumble. "Whos'err?"

Emotion that she didn't even realize was inside of her cropped up at the sound of his voice. "I think I messed up," she choked out. She closed her eyes and pressed her shaking fingers to her forehead.

"Britt?" He groaned and she listened as he shifted around, possibly sitting up. "Shit it's early." He grumbled a bit more before sighing. "Did you fuck her?"

"Noah!" She snapped as she sat up. "Don't- I- it wasn't like that!"

"What? You didn't take her to your room and get all that sexual tension out?"

"Yes- I mean, yeah...it...we were together. But don't...don't say it like that."

"Like what?" He asked the question, but his tone sounded like he knew perfectly well what her answer was and just wanted her to say it.

"Like...I don't know. I don't know what it was. I don't- Fuck. Fuck, I really fucked up. I shouldn't have done that. Why did you let me leave with her? Why did you-"

"Yo, whoa! No. Don't pin this on me, blondie. You're two consenting adults. I wasn't about to get in the way of that shit you two had goin' down last night."

Brittany flopped back down on her back and threw her arm over her eyes. "Can you just come over? No. No, I'm coming over there. I'll be right- wait, did you get any last night?"

She could hear his smirk over the line. "No, but thanks for reminding me. I'm here alone, c'mon over. Really don't think I wanna be in your little sex den anyway."

"Shut up," she muttered before hanging up on him. She got up and grabbed her room key and took it and her phone with her. She didn't want to text anyone back yet. She knew Quinn would be soon getting details – or lack there of – from Santana, and she didn't want to hear Sam's disapproval.

She went down the hall and knocked on the door that her roommate slept behind. When it opened he just looked down at her with that stupid smirk of his. "Don't." She shoved past him and threw herself onto his bed. "Just come over here and hold me and tell me the world isn't gonna end."

He obliged wordlessly.

* * *

Santana met Quinn in the lobby, but didn't speak far beyond a hello. Quinn seemed to understand that she wasn't ready to talk so the two girls just headed to the car to leave. It wasn't until Quinn pulled the old clunker that Santana's parents still kept around into their driveway, and parked, that she looked over at her friend.

"What happened?"

"What do you think happened, genius?" Santana asked, her eyes steeled out her window.

"Did you two talk this morning?"

"Not really. We said we'd meet later."

"And do you know what you want to say to her? What you want from her?"

Santana opened her mouth to snap something, but instead she just sighed. Of course she knew what she wanted, but that didn't mean she knew how to say it. Her nails dug into her own palms. "I just...want _her_. Same as it's always been."

Quinn reached out to detach Santana's nails from her skin and held her hand tightly. "I think that's all you need to say."

"What if she doesn't want me back?" Because hasn't that always been one of her greatest fears? Ever since the beginning? Yeah she'd always known how much Brittany loved her, used to love her, but that fear of rejection never could fully go away.

"Then...we'll go home, we'll eat ice cream, and we'll wait for everything to get better."

Santana looked over at her best friend and gave her a weak smile. "Maybe I should just marry you," she snorted.

"Only if I get a really big rock first," Quinn joked with a smirk. She patted Santana's knee and pulled the keys from the ignition of the car. "But hey, maybe in ten years if we're still both lonely old – _hot_ – maids we'll tie the knot." She got out of the car and peered over the top of it while she waited on Santana to get out as well. "But don't expect any marital relations."

"It's okay," Santana laughed lightly. "That's what open marriages are for."

Quinn slipped her arm through Santana's as they walked towards the front door. "Either way...it's all going to be okay, I promise."

"I hope so," the brunette sighed.

* * *

Brittany was sitting in Sam and Mercedes' room when her phone beeped with a text. They had been rehashing the festivities Brittany missed by slipping away the night before, and she tried her best to listen and laugh at appropriate times. She couldn't take her mind off of Santana though.

When the text came in she unlocked the screen and read it over. Just who she had been thinking about.

**Breadstix at 12?**

Brittany bit her lip as she typed back her reply. The idea of talking when she had no idea what she wanted to say scared her, but she wasn't sure if she had a choice.

_Okay._

"Britt?" Sam looked over at her questioningly with his large puppy eyes.

"Sorry, yeah. What?" She shook her head and looked up at the couple.

"Was that Santana?" Mercedes asked.

"Mhmm...she wants to meet at Breadstix at noon. I guess...I guess depending how long it takes I can just meet you guys at the airport for the flight..." Though inside her head she was still battling with the idea of going and facing Santana. Could she even really do it? Would it end any differently than every other conversation had?

"That's fine," Sam nodded, breaking her thoughts. "Anything you wanna talk to us about?"

"No." She shook her head and got to her feet. "I need to go back to my room and...pack up and stuff."

"Okay," he replied, as he and Mercedes shared a worried look. Brittany stopped and kissed the top of his blonde mop.

"Stop worrying about me, you two."

She left their room and went back to her own. She hadn't been back since she left to visit Puck, and when she entered she was quickly hit with all of the reminders of the night before. Her clothes strewn across the floor, the rumpled bed, and the lingering scent of Santana. Of both of them. She remembered lips on every inch of her skin, inside of her. She remembered holding and kissing and touching Santana, and she remembered thinking that maybe it could be okay. But she'd been drunk, off of alcohol and desire and reminiscing. It wasn't that easy. Nothing with Santana ever was, and it always ended in Brittany hurting more than she had the time before.

Her eyes closed and she rubbed her face. "What the hell am I doing?" She muttered to herself.

* * *

Santana sat in the booth at Breadstix and smoothed out the napkin in her lap. She was trying so hard to not be assaulted with every memory that place held, all of the good and the bad. Mostly good though. Brittany at her side, Brittany across from her, Brittany holding her hand, Brittany smiling at her...dancing with her...kissing her...

Her eyes closed for a beat and she took a deep breath. She knew what she wanted to convey to Brittany, but as always she didn't have the right words. She never had been good with straight up words. Songs? Sure. But she wasn't about to break out into song to her ex-girlfriend in the middle of a public restaurant. Talk about lame and cliché.

Even though there was just one song circling through her head that afternoon. She snorted to herself, because really? Alanis Morissette was _so_ 90's. All the same...the words held onto her. She couldn't even remember when she last heard it or why it had suddenly gotten stuck in her head, but it was eerily fitting.

_Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole__  
__You're so much braver than I gave you credit for__  
__That's not lip service__You've already won me over in spite of me__  
__And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet__  
__Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are__  
__I couldn't help it__  
__It's all your fault_

_You are the bearer of unconditional things__  
__You held your breath and the door for me__  
__Thanks for your patience__You're the best listener that I've ever met__  
__You're my best friend__  
__Best friend with benefits__  
__What took me so long..._

Yeah, no. Something like that so soon would probably definitely scare the blonde off. She couldn't go back to that word, the word that took her so long to admit; not yet.

Brittany.

She glanced at the door for the millionth time, then looked at the time on her phone. 12:05. Something tried to claw up her chest, something like panic, but she shoved it down. Five minutes wasn't late. Five minutes was nothing.

Ten minutes wasn't late, ten minutes was nothing.

Twenty minutes...twenty minutes late...

Her fingers clenched onto the roll of silverware before her and she gulped down her shaky breaths. She was caught somewhere between anger and sadness, but she pushed it away. Brittany would be there. She'd be there. She rarely ever let Santana down...no, it had always been the other way around.

* * *

Brittany sat on the edge of her hotel room bed and looked at the clock. It was almost check out time, but also...it was almost time for her to go see Santana. To talk about...what? What had changed? Even if their passion was still there, even if they still cared about each other...what had changed?

Nothing had.

There was a knock at the door, but she had left the inside lock jammed between the door so it was pushed open in the next second. Puck looked in at her with his bag over his shoulder. "Shouldn't you be on your way to see Santana?"

"Yeah..." she said softly. Her hands rubbed at her arms and the goosebumps there. "Yeah...I...I don't think I can."

"What do you mean?" He crossed his arms and leaned on the door frame to look in at her. "You've got a cab comin' any minute. You said you wanted to talk to her."

"I said we _should_ talk," she reminded him without looking up. "But it's a bad idea. Last night aside...we haven't been able to be in the same room without...it's just not a good idea. I..." She stood up and picked up her packed bag from the bed. "I'm going to the airport to see if I can get an early flight home, and I'll...just see you guys when you get in tonight."

"Britt...no. Don't you think maybe...maybe you should just go talk to her? That maybe you owe her that?"

Brittany bristled at that word. _Owed_. All she owed anyone was to keep herself in this form that she had spent five years piecing back together. She walked up to the door and tossed her duffel bag into Puck's arms. "I can't. I just want to go home."

"You really think that's fair?" He asked carefully, looking down at the bag in his hands.

Brittany knew he wasn't even asking in terms of her and Santana, he was only remembering his own heartache. "This is nothing like you and Quinn. Santana and I...we don't work. We never did. Or...we worked so well that we didn't. And I...I really just want to go home, so if you love me you'll-" She bit her lip for a second and looked into his eyes, her own heartbroken. "You'll just...drive me to the airport. Please, Noah."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Course I'll drive you."

"We just have to stop at my parents' house first. I promised I'd drop in for a few minutes."

* * *

Brittany was a half hour late and Santana wanted desperately to text the girl and find out where she was, or she wanted to call her and yell all the angry words running through her mind. She couldn't though. Doing that would mean hearing the truth, and she didn't want the truth. She didn't want to admit that Brittany wasn't going to show. Wasn't the truth something she had always been so good at cramming away?

She jumped as her phone vibrated on the table beside her. She swiped it up expecting to see Brittany's name on the caller ID, but instead she saw Mercedes'.

"Hello?" Her voice shook and she cursed it silently.

"She's going to the airport," Sam's voice filtered through the line. "I...didn't have your number to..." He sighed. "This is our truce. Just...make sure you know what you want, and what you're doing. She went to see her folks before she heads to the airport. You can probably catch her there." And with those words he hung up.

She looked down at the phone in her hand as her screen darkened again and she pinched her lips together tightly. Brittany was leaving her. Again. She was leaving without saying goodbye. Again. Without saying...anything. How could she do that to Santana once more? What gave her that right to-

She got to her feet and put down a nice tip, despite the fact she'd only had water, before grabbing her purse and stalking out the door. She was hurt, yeah, she felt betrayed and like her heart might be cracking apart again, but mostly she felt anger; a searing anger that Brittany refused to even face her after the night before.

As Santana pulled through Brittany's old neighborhood she pushed away all the memories that wanted to come tearing back and she focused on getting to Brittany's parents' house. She was a few houses away when she saw a rental car coming her way with two familiar faces in the front seats. Without thinking she pulled into the center of the road and stopped her car. The other car came to a screeching halt only inches from her bumper but she didn't even care. She was already out on the street and moving towards the passenger side door.

Puck popped put from the driver's side, his arm across the roof of the car. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! We could've crashed!"

Santana was focused on one thing only. She looked in the window at Brittany, but Brittany wouldn't look up at her. "Get out of the car, Britt!" She shouted. She didn't mean to yell (well maybe she did), but she was pissed. She was hurt and she was pissed off, and she deserved so much fucking more. The blonde ignored her and Santana rapped on the window. "Get out of the fucking car!"

"Santana, maybe you should-"

"Back off Puckerman!" She snapped at him. "Get in my way and I'mma snap your neck."

The passenger door opened and Brittany stepped out. "Noah, it's fine. Get back in the car." She closed her door and watched Puck until he did as he was told. Grudgingly so. Santana watched Brittany take a large gulp of air in before she turned to the brunette.

When Brittany didn't say a word, Santana did. "So, what? You were just gonna stand me up and get the fuck out of dodge? Take off _again_?"

"I-...I'm sorry," Brittany said in a small voice.

Santana stepped up close to Brittany and glared at her as she brought her finger into the blonde's face. "Go to hell." She spun around to go back to her car, but stopped and turned around again. "You're really good, you know that? You actually made me think..." Her words caught in her throat. They both knew the questioned possibilities that had flowed between them the night before.

Brittany hugged herself tightly and watched her feet. "I have to go."

"No you fucking _don't_! "

"Can we not do this here?"

"Apparently we have to, because you didn't wanna stick around long enough to talk to me. At least you got laid before you go home, right?" She knew her voice sounded bitter and spiteful, but she really didn't care. If Brittany wanted to hurt her, well she could hurt her right back. "But hey," she shrugged. "If I had a hot piece of ass like this for my ex, I'd fuck and run too."

"_Stop_," Brittany hissed, still not looking up.

"Stop?" Santana tilted her head as her eyes narrowed more. "Oh I'm sorry, am I offending you? Poor, Britt-Britt. Guess it's _me_ that's been the idiot this whole time. We all lost the real Brittany when I graduated and you didn't. But guess I never took the time to realize that." The words tumbled off of her lips on their own, and while a twinge of pain hit her at saying them, she wanted Brittany to feel the sting. She could see blue eye's darken in pain as they flickered up, and for just a moment it felt _good_. "Goodbye, Brittany."

That time she did turn and go back to her car, and as she reached to open the door hands clamped over her arms and spun her around. She came face to face with Brittany, a pissed off Brittany, and all of her biting words got lost in her throat as she was pushed back against the car. Brittany looked angry. A kind of angry Santana had never seen on her.

"Maybe you lost that me when you dumped me for no reason," the blonde snapped. "For once, stop making up stories about why people don't like you and face yourself!" Her grip was tight on the top of Santana's arms and Santana just stared at her in slight shock. "You can't blame me for everything! You can't keep holding that night against me when we weren't even together!"

Santana closed her eyes. She wanted to fight back, she wanted to yell, but something in Brittany's tone kept her silent. She could only wait for it to be over.

* * *

She hadn't meant to go after Santana like that, but the woman's words had hurt her. Never had Santana ever spoken to her in that way. She knew she owed Santana more than just disappearing, but she didn't know how to deal with it. How to deal with _her_. She was terrified, and Santana's words only reminded her why she should be. Her hands gripped onto Santana's arms, and she knew she would probably leave marks there, but it was a thought so far away from her mind in that moment. She leaned in more so that they were face to face, inches apart.

"Look at me, Santana," she said in sharp whisper. She waited until those brown eyes connected with hers. They looked surprised and scared, and Brittany got lost in them for several beats before she came up for air and went on. "We're not the same people." Her voice was raw and almost scolding. "I'm not the same girl you fell and love with, and you're not..." She closed her lips and eyes and shook her head once. She opened her eyes again as she let that thought go. "We keep trying to grab onto the past, but it's gone. _We're_ gone."

"You're the one running away from it," Santana murmured.

"No. I'm running away from _you_. I'm going before you can break my heart again."

Puck suddenly appeared between them and pulled his roommate away from Santana. "Okay, guys, chill. Britt." He put his arm and half his body in front of her. "Brittany, stop. Let it go."

"You keep blaming me for breaking your heart...but you never stick around long enough for me to try to fix it," Santana said finally. She opened her car door, but stood there staring at Brittany. Her tone was even, almost like she was giving up. Brittany stared back at her over Puck's shoulder and shook her head. Santana still didn't get it.

"Do you..." Puck turned to her more and tried to ease her backwards, but she didn't budge. She licked her lips and held back the waver in her voice. Barely. "God, Santana...do you even realize? Don't you know how many times you broke my heart Junior year? And Sophomore year?" Her voice started to weaken, and she held onto Puck's side to keep herself on her feet. "All of the years? Because _I_ lost count a long time ago." A tear spilled down her cheek and she wiped her face against Puck's shoulder. "Let's go," she whispered to him. She stopped clinging and walked over to the car, then got back in her seat before closing the door. She didn't look out at either Puck or Santana. She couldn't. She just watched her hands and waited for him to get back in the car and drive them away.

The driver's side door opened and Brittany sucked her air back, because without looking she knew it wasn't Puck. Santana slid into his seat and buckled the seat belt before putting the keys in the ignition

"We're going to go somewhere," Santana said, her voice hard but quiet. "And we're going to talk."

* * *

_The song stuck in Santana's head is "Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morrisette, and I highly recommend listening to it._


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Santana watched Brittany walk away and get into the car and she kept her eyes on the girl for a moment. She jumped slightly when Puck appeared closer to her.

"She's..." He started to defend her, but apparently he couldn't come up with the rest of his sentence.

"Give me the keys," she said to him softly.

"Santana...no, let her go."

"No," she said. She held out her hand. "Take my car and...we'll meet up later." She didn't even look at him, she just kept her eyes on Brittany. When she felt the cool metal land in her palm she closed her hand around it and walked over to the rental car. Her keys were in her car so she knew Puck could handle it himself. She slipped into the driver's seat beside Brittany. "We're going somewhere," she said. "And we're going to talk." Because there was clearly so much more to say.

When Brittany didn't jump out of the car Santana backed into a nearby driveway and turned the car around. She said nothing as she drove them through neighborhoods, and neither did Brittany. She drove and drove, giving no thought to what she was going to say when she stopped.

She parked in a familiar parking lot and looked out at the scene in front of them. She gripped her hands tightly around the wheel and kept her gaze forward. It was several moments before she spoke. "Do you remember when we used to meet here? In the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep, or weren't allowed to stay at each other's house...?" Her hands slid down the wheel, barely loosening her hold on it, and eventually dropped into her lap. "I remember how hard my heart would beat when I walked here. Not...because I was scared we'd get caught or because I was walking alone so late...but...anticipation. Of seeing you. Or...or maybe I was scared. Of you. Of how I felt around you." She paused and pushed out a breath. She had never said this to Brittany before.

She risked a glance in Brittany's direction and noted that she too was looking out in front of them, so she turned her eyes forward again. She swept her gaze over the elementary school playground before them. It was somewhere almost halfway between their houses, and she couldn't count how many times they had met there. Even before their friendship changed into something...else.

Her hand came up and pointed towards a plastic tunnel. "R-right over there...that was where you kissed me the first time. You tasted like banana Runts."

"You always let me have all the bananas," Brittany finally murmured in reply.

"They were your favorite."

"You trembled."

"I was...terrified," Santana said, forcing out a short laugh. "You weren't. You just...smiled at me and said-"

"Magic."

"I didn't know what you meant. I...pretended not to."

"I felt...magic. Everywhere. All through me."

"Every single time," Santana nodded. She took a deep breath and looked over at the woman beside her, the woman that had been that young girl that captured her heart so long ago. "I felt magic in every kiss, too."

* * *

Brittany's eyes fell shut at the memories and feelings all of the words brought up. She remembered. She remembered how easy it was to fall in love with Santana. She remembered how much she wanted to just be with her, but they couldn't. She wasn't allowed to want it for a long time. She kept her eyes squeezed shut.

"We were magic, Britt."

"I tried to tell you that for so long," Brittany said, her voice low and pained.

"I heard you...I just...I was too scared to listen."

"Yeah, I know." That time Brittany's voice was sharper, more bitter, and she knew it. She felt a hand timidly land on her knee and she pushed it away. "I waited...I waited so long for you."

"Where was your fight _then_?" Brittany heard the ache in Santana's tone, but she still didn't open her eyes. "Why didn't you...fight me harder? Fight _for_ me?"

"You had to fight for yourself. Against yourself."

"But you just took it."

"Because I loved you," Brittany said with a half laugh. She finally opened her eyes and looked over at her old love. "All I wanted was for you to see how amazing you were and accept who you are. And yeah, I wanted you to be with me, but...it didn't matter." She looked out her side window.

"What didn't?"

"Me. I was okay hurting if you weren't."

"It didn't _stop_ me from hurting."

A silence fell between them and Brittany didn't know what to say. All they could do was beat around and around about the past, and it wasn't getting them anywhere. But it was too obvious that they were both still in pain from it.

"Tell me," Santana finally said quietly.

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me the times I broke your heart."

"No."

"Why not? Just a minute ago you were screaming at me about it. Seemed pretty damn important."

"You know, don't you?" Brittany looked over again, and she knew Santana knew. Santana knew every moment she had hurt her, just as Brittany knew every moment she had hurt Santana. They weren't blind to it they just...found ways to see around it.

"...yeah," Santana sighed. She met Brittany's eyes. "I hated hurting you."

"Me too," Brittany murmured. "When...with Artie..." She looked down at her hands in her lap. "I don't know if anything ever hurt as much as...how you looked at me when I said I wasn't breaking up with him."

"Nothing ever hurt as much as you staying with him," Santana shot back quickly.

"I did love him, Santana. I know...it didn't end in the best way, but I got over that and...I still love him. Not like I did, but..." She licked her bottom lip. She didn't know how to explain to Santana that it hadn't been about choosing one over the other. "I'm sorry it hurt you. I'm..._so_ sorry it hurt you, Santana. But I was with him. You pushed me away for so long and...when you wanted to pull me back, I was with Artie."

"Did you really think it was going to last with him?"

"No...but I was happy with him."

"I know," Santana finally sighed. Brittany felt a hand cover hers and she wanted to yank her hand away, but she couldn't move. "I can't lie and say I'm not still hurt by that, but...a lot of the anger and resentment I had in high school...I've gotten past that." She squeezed Brittany's hand tightly. "I wish you could. Not so you stop being angry with me, but so you can be happy."

Brittany brought her free hand up to her eyes and rubbed them. "I've tried. You think I've wanted to be angry at you all these years? I don't." Her hand fell from her eyes and her fist hit her knee. "But it's all I have."

"What? Being pissed at me?"

And there was the truth that Brittany had been shoving away for years. The one thing she could never and would never say, because she didn't want to admit that she still needed Santana. She wanted to be strong and independent. But it was there. It had been there from the moment Santana graduated without her, it grew when they broke up, and it clutched her harder and tighter as the years went on without the brunette. "It's easier than loving you so much that I don't know who I am without you," she whispered shakily. "It's better than never getting over you and not moving on with my life. It's..." Her voice faded and she didn't know how to go on. In the next moment she felt Santana's fingers on her face brushing her hair back behind her ear. "It's easier to hate you than love you," she finally finished. Her eyes closed at the feel of Santana's touch on her skin and in her hair. God it felt so good. It felt perfect.

"I know," she replied gently. "That's...how I've felt."

Hearing that from Santana's lips, though she already kind of knew it and though they were her own words as well, it pulled her heart tightly. She brought her hand up to cover Santana's on her cheek and pressed it there. She took a couple of even breaths before pulling Santana's hand down to her lips so she could kiss her palm softly. She heard a light intake of breath beside her.

"Leaving you that night haunts me," Brittany admitted.

"Breaking up with you haunts me," Santana replied.

"I've been so scared that you...would always hate me. That I'd never see you again, and...everything we had...you'd forget."

"Never." Santana held onto Brittany's cheek on her own and turned her face towards herself. Brittany opened her eyes to look into those brown eyes she knew so well. "I would never, ever forget what we had, Britt. How could I?"

"I'm so scared to be with you again," Brittany said carefully. "I don't know if I can."

"Why can't we be together even though we're scared of each other?" Santana asked, her thumb stroking Brittany's cheek.

"Because...we live on opposite sides of the country...because I hurt you so much."

"And I hurt you, Britt-Britt."

Brittany leaned in at those words and rested her forehead to Santana's. "I don't _want_ to be scared to love you."

"Me either...but I got passed it once. I think I can again."

A soft laugh bounced from Brittany's lips onto Santana's, their mouths inches apart. "When did we reverse roles?"

"I think when we had to grow up without that other half."

Brittany moved her hand to Santana's neck and let her fingers brush the nape of her neck, brushing at the wisps of hair there. "You've gotten more amazing...you know that, right?"

"Because in the back of my head I always heard you telling me I was worth it," Santana whispered.

"When I was in school...you were inside of me...telling me I was a genius," she whispered back.

"You are, Britt. You're the smartest woman I've ever known. And the sexiest...and cutest, and sweetest, and-"

"You're the everything-est too, San." Both women still whispered and that old nickname spilled off of Brittany's lips before she even realized it.

* * *

Santana trembled when she heard that old name. She hated her name being shortened in any way, but sometimes Brittany would when they were younger, in soft moments or silly moments, and she never thought she'd hear it again. She would once say she hated it, even from Brittany's lips, but Brittany's voice was the only one she could hear it from. And she had missed it. She hadn't even realized how much so until Brittany said it.

She leaned in more and her lips just barely brushed Brittany's. She didn't know if there were more words or if they had said everything they possibly could, but at that moment nothing else came out. Maybe they hadn't found a solution, but she just needed to breathe Brittany in. Breathe the woman in that was _hers_. Who had always been hers.

Then she was pushed back. Her eyes opened with a frown as Brittany's hand on her chest pressed her back into her seat. Brittany reached down into her knapsack and pulled out her iPod, then she maneuvered over the center console and straddled Santana's waist.

"Britt...this isn't.." Not right at an elementary school, Sunday or not. And it was a tight fit. Even so, Brittany sat on her and hovered over her with her body bent close from her height.

Brittany didn't seem to care as she took her earbuds and put one in Santana's ear and one in her own. She looked down at her iPod to pull up a song before meeting Santana's eyes again. "Just listen," she whispered. She dropped her forehead to Santana's head again as a song started up, so Santana just closed her eyes and listened.

_Did you forget  
That I was even alive?  
Did you forget  
Everything we ever had?  
Did you forget?  
Did you forget  
About me?_

_Did you regret (did you regret)_  
_Ever standing by my side_  
_Did you forget (did you forget)_  
_What we were feeling inside?_  
_Now I'm left to forget_  
_About us_

_But somewhere we went wrong_  
_We were once so strong_  
_Our love is like a song_  
_You can't forget it_

_So now I guess  
This is where we have to stand  
Did you regret  
Ever holding my hand?  
Never again  
Please don't forget  
Don't forget_

_We had it all  
We were just about to fall  
Even more in love  
Than we were before  
I won't forget  
I won't forget  
About us_

_But somewhere we went wrong  
We were once so strong  
Our love is like a song  
You can't forget it_

The words burned through Santana as she listened. It hurt. It hurt so much, and she wanted to tell Brittany that she had never forgotten, that she never could forget, but nothing came out. And as soon as the slow song hit it's crescendo with loud guitar her hands wrapped tightly around Brittany's neck and she pulled her in to kiss her lips hard and deeply. A reminder. A reminder that...

_Somewhere we went wrong__  
__We were once so strong__  
__Our love is like a song__  
__You can't forget it__  
__At all_

Brittany groaned into the kiss and returned it.

_And at last__  
__All the pictures have been burned__  
__And all the past__  
__Is just a lesson that we've learned__  
__I won't forget__  
__Please don't forget us_

Santana's thoughts left her and she pushed the words she needed to say through her kiss. 'Never. I never forgot for one moment.' She took Brittany's mouth with hers so to prove that she remembered it all.

_Somewhere we went wrong__  
__Our love is like a song__  
__But you won't sing along__  
__You've forgotten__  
__About us__  
__(Don't forget)_

Santana's hands were in Brittany's hair, and Brittany's were on her hips under her shirt when the song faded0. "Never," Santana husked finally, turning the desperate kiss into soft ones for a moment. "Never...I didn't, baby...I couldn't..." Her words came out between kisses to Brittany's lips, and she felt Brittany grip her hips harder.

"I listened to it...so many times..." Brittany whispered back between their gentle pecks. "I told myself...you forgot...that.." Her words were lost as Santana yanked the buds from their ears and pulled the lever to lean her seat back. Brittany landed on top of her and her arms immediately went tighter around the blonde as she silenced her and deepened the kiss again.

* * *

Brittany took the hint and shut up. She moaned at the feel of Santana's need and she let her hips roll down into the ones below her. She felt Santana's teeth close on her lip and she whimpered at the sensation.

It was a secret she had kept to herself for a long time. She listened to that song so often, and it made her angry and it made her sad and it made her cry, but it always beat at her heart one way or another. It had been a part of making herself hate Santana, making Santana the enemy so she could stop loving her, but she never had. She had never once stopped loving Santana and she knew that she never could.

She reluctantly pulled her mouth from Santana's and looked down at the woman below her. She wanted to take her, have her so much harder and faster than the night before, but instead she tried to catch her breath.

"We're in a school parking lot," Brittany murmured with a light smirk.

Santana reached up to touch the blonde locks falling down against her own face. "No. I'm with you."

Brittany's breath caught and she leaned down again, this time to just rest their foreheads together once more. Her eyes closed and Santana's arms went around her in a tight hug. She understood. There was a world out there around them, sure, but...it was out there. Inside that car it was just them. They had always been their own space of existence, their own world, and everything outside of them had always been just that. "I'm with you too," she whispered back. She pressed a soft kiss to Santana's neck and relaxed against her. She slipped her arms underneath the woman and hugged her back, and they continued to lay there and hold onto one another. Brittany occasionally brushed kissed to Santana's skin, and Santana buried her face in Brittany's hair.

"I never forgot," Santana whispered again, sending shivers down Brittany's spine.

"I know."

* * *

_Song is "Don't Forget" by Demi Lovato if you want to look it up. I know it's a short chapter, but they're not done talking yet._


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Brittany lay against Santana and sighed as she felt those warm lips press softly against the side of her head. She had been brushing kisses there, all over Brittany's face, for several minutes. They were cramped in the driver's seat of the car, but they were also so tangled up in each other that it didn't matter. Santana didn't even have to move for her lips to find skin. Brittany knew she could sleep right there and sleep forever. Hums of contentedness kept passing her lips, and every time she did she felt Santana shudder beneath her.

And then something vibrated between their hips and they both jumped. Brittany immediately started giggling as she fished her cell phone from her pocket. "Sorry," she said. She moved back to sit on the passenger seat again, but her legs were still stretched across Santana's knees.

"Here I thought you were happy to see me," Santana smirked. Brittany looked over at her, a pause from looking at the text on her phone, and watched her. The brunette was stretched on her back, her dark hair flowed out around her, and she looked...just...so touchable. All Brittany wanted to do was crawl back on top of her and-

Her phone vibrated again.

"It's Puck," she explained. "He's worried about getting the car back and me missing the flight."

Santana started to sit up. "What time is it?"

"Almost two-thirty, so..." Brittany felt her lips turn into a pout. They still needed to talk, and frankly she didn't want to leave Santana's presence. She wasn't ready to.

"Tell him we'll met them at the airport."

"Okay." She sent the text and wrapped her hands around the phone tightly. Santana's hand landed on hers and she looked up to meet those brown eyes.

"C'mon."

"What?"

"Just...c'mon." Santana put the seat upright and opened her door to step out. Brittany followed with a confused frown. They met in front of the car and Santana took her hand and led her across the parking lot. They came to a stop under the tree beside that plastic tunnel and Brittany watched as her once love stopped to stare down at the place they had shared their first kiss.

"Santana?"

* * *

She couldn't look up into those perfect eyes at first. She had to watch their feet so she could gather her thoughts, but she took Brittany's hands in hers and she took a deep breath.

"We were best friends for a long time, Britt. I know...things got bad, but..." Her shoulders rose and fell and she looked up. "I just miss you. I miss my best friend. We can keep fighting forever and go back and forth forever or-"

"We can start over?"

The easy tone that came from Brittany's lips, the fact that she knew what Santana wanted to say, it settled Santana's racing heart. She nodded as a smile shook on her lips. "Yeah, something like that." She looked over at their spot. She remembered how they would crawl into that little tunnel and hide and whisper secrets for hours. She had always loved it, because she got to be so close to Brittany and nothing else could touch them. They had their own world.

That's how it always had been, until they had to face the real world. They had been too wrapped up in one another and too focused on one another, and when she graduated it was like crawling out of that tunnel and being blinded by the bright sun suddenly in their faces.

"Can we just...call a truce and try to be friends again?" She knew her voice sounded a little desperate, but that's what she was. She was desperate to finally push the past back into the past and move on. And she needed Brittany to be a part of it in whatever way they worked out.

Suddenly soft hands cupped her cheeks and her eyes closed at the contact. She felt her head get tipped back, and after a breathless minute of waiting she felt Brittany's lips on hers. The kiss was soft and it reminded her of that first kiss all those years ago. Tentative, scared, and full of questions of what was to come.

"Friends." The word was whispered against her lips and she shivered. She was pulled into Brittany's gentle arms and held close, and she let herself melt into the embrace. "I need one day at a time," Brittany whispered in her ear.

Her hands brushed up that long back slowly and she hummed in agreement. "One day at a time." She needed it too, as much as she wanted to keep hold of Brittany for as long as she could, they both needed to go slow. "So...maybe some space..." Her words sounded a bit awkward as she reluctantly let go of the other woman. She had to. Her body was already starting to burn for Brittany, and she needed to cool off.

Brittany stepped back as well and her hands slipped into her back pockets. "We...should go though."

"Yeah," Santana nodded. "Let's go." She waited though. Stepping away from that spot, moving out of that moment, was a new step. It was them agreeing to put the past behind them and try to move on. At the same moment they started to walk away and their hands drifted together. They held hands for several steps before yanking away from each other. That wasn't how it was supposed to go, was it?

It was all so awkward and strange already. Santana cleared her throat as they approached the car, and she let Brittany get behind the wheel. She took Brittany's seat and pulled her seat belt on. She didn't know what else to say, and she could tell Brittany didn't either. So instead they both watched forward as Brittany backed out of the spot and pulled out into the road.

Santana's heart pounded every moment of the way.

* * *

_"I think we're getting too big for this, Britt."_

_ The young blonde giggles. "Never!"_

_ Santana looks down the plastic tunnel that they're in and sees both of their legs sticking out of the other side. Brittany's are sticking out more than hers of course, because she's recently had another growth spurt, but at thirteen they don't really fit in a tunnel made for eight year olds. She smiles though. She likes being close to Brittany like this. It's warm and comforting, and she likes the press of Brittany's body to hers in the cramped space. _

_ "I need another Runt," her best friend says importantly. They're pressed so close that Brittany can't even reach into her own pocket. Santana laughs and does it for her, bringing out a small piece of candy shaped like a banana. She holds it up to Brittany's lips and Brittany sucks it into her mouth. "Thank you." And as the girl crunches on her candy and the aroma of banana fills the space with them, Santana watches her. Brittany's blonde hair is sticking out against the plastic tunnel from the static, and she's sure hers is doing the same. She can feel Brittany's fingers against her hip, because where else is the girl to set them?_

_ It's warm. The entire moment is warm in a way that she's not used to, and she has to close her eyes for a beat. More than one moment passes and she feels Brittany shift slightly, and then she feels banana-scented breath hitting closer against her skin. Right along her cheek._

_ "You okay, San?"_

_ "Y-yeah," she answers, her tone shaking a bit. "Fine."_

_ "You look like you're gonna be sick. Please don't barf on me."_

_ Santana chuckles. "I'm not gonna barf."_

_ "Then why do you look..." Brittany can't seem to find a word to describe what she sees, so Santana opens her eyes. She finds those striking blue eyes of her best friend peering down on her. Right into her. As always._

_ "I'm just...really comfortable. I don't wanna move."_

_ A smile brightens Brittany's face in the most beautiful way, and Santana finds herself thinking that she notices that because she wishes she were as pretty as Brittany. She doesn't feel very pretty, even though everyone tells her she is. Her mom says it's just a stage and puberty, but she knows for a fact that Brittany is the prettiest girl ever. And it's just jealousy...right?_

_ She feels her cheeks warm either way at the way Brittany is looking at her and smiling at her, and her eyes dart down._

_ "Stoo-oop," Brittany whines playfully. She pinches Santana's hip. "You always try to hide your smile now, don't do that. Don't get too old yet."_

_ "Too old?" Santana wrinkles her nose, but the smile reappears as she looks up. _

_ "Yeah...you're starting to..." Brittany sighs and chews on her lip for a moment, and Santana finds herself drawn to her mouth. She quickly looks back up though. "You try to act like an adult a lot now and...I just...I want us to be kids a little longer."_

_ "But we're not kids, Britt-Britt."_

_ "I know...I just don't want you to stop smiling."_

_ Her cheeks are downright burning now, but she grins and leans in to the warm body against her. "You always make me smile, don't worry."_

_ "Good."_

_ Brittany rests their foreheads together and Santana closes her eyes. She lets her arm tighten around her best friend and she sighs. She really could stay right here forever. She's never more comfortable than when she and Brittany are alone in their own world._

_ "San?"_

_ "Hmm?" She hums softly as she opens her eyes and tilts her head up, and she does so just in time for Brittany's lips to press gently against her own. _

_ A shiver runs down her back, and she can feel herself shake. She doesn't know how to react and she's frozen in the moment. She kissed a boy once, but she didn't really like it. She knows Brittany's kissed several boys, and Brittany always says she likes kissing, but Santana just hadn't gotten the appeal of it. It was awkward and sloppy._

_ But Brittany's lips open against her own and it feels like...a blanket. Like she's curling herself into the softest, warmest blanket. All thoughts flee her mind and she copies Brittany's motions. She feels wetness on her mouth, but it's not gross like that boy's kiss was. It's comforting and...nice. Brittany's tongue is brushing her bottom lip, and she can't help but open her mouth slightly because she wants to feel more of it. It feels so good. And for a moment, a short but perfect moment, she feels Brittany's tongue move against hers, and she's gone. She's gone in the feel and the taste (bananas) and the warmth, and she doesn't want to come back._

_ Brittany pulls away only a second later, and Santana feels disappointment, but at the same time she's too terrified to open her eyes and look at her. She's pulled closer against her friend and she tries to relax, but she's still shaking. She knows that things like that aren't supposed to happen between friends, that she's not supposed to like it, but is that what a real kiss is supposed to feel like? _

_ "Magic." Brittany's words hit her face in a whisper, as if answering the question in her mind._

_ Magic. It was magic, and Santana knows that it's a magic that's not allowed. They're not little kids anymore, and they can't play games. _

_ There's really no such thing as magic anyhow, is there?_

* * *

When they arrived at the airport the women met Puck at the rental car return lot. He handed Santana's keys off to her and headed inside to turn in the rental keys. Brittany glanced over at Santana as they waited for him, and saw her with her arms crossed while staring at the ground. She knew that look. She knew that look well. Santana was deep in thought, scared of the next moment, and waiting.

Brittany moved to her side, but didn't touch her. Her mouth opened to say something, though nothing came out. She didn't know what _to_ say. Words tumbled through her head. Words of apology, words of regret, and words of longing; but nothing came out. Just as a sound exited her throat, the beginning of a word, Puck popped out of the small trailer in the car lot they stood in.

"Let's go, Britt. We gotta check in." He nodded to a nearby shuttle. "We can catch that to the departures zone."

She nodded, and she was pretty sure an 'okay' slipped form her lips, but all she could think was that she wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. When she looked up to Santana she found those brown eyes on hers. "Come with us to security?"

"Yeah," Santana murmured with a nod.

"Whatever, let's just go," Puck said as he ushered them both towards the shuttle. Brittany grabbed the luggage from beside her feet, and before she could throw it over her shoulder Santana took it from her.

"I got it," she said.

"Thanks," Brittany replied with a small smile.

Puck just rolled his eyes.

* * *

When the three arrived at the security check in Brittany glanced around for Sam and Mercedes. Right away she saw that familiar mop of blonde hair, and she was a bit surprised to see him standing around in a small group. A group of their old friends, the ones that hadn't headed home yet.

She led the way over and frowned slightly as she stopped beside Quinn. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We wanted to see you off," Quinn replied simply as she looped her arm through Brittany's. Brittany met the gaze of the other blonde and her heart warmed. No, she wasn't just repairing her friendship with Santana, she was repairing with Quinn too. How could she have thought of leaving without saying goodbye?

She smiled and wrapped Quinn into a hug. "It was awesome seeing you," she said softly into the other woman's ear.

"Come visit me in New York sometime?"

"Promise," Brittany nodded.

"Hey, gurl, hey. Don't I get some lovin'?" Brittany laughed at the sound of Artie beside her, and she pulled from Quinn to drop herself into his lap and hug his neck tightly.

"Bye Artie."

He rubbed her back gently. "I really hope you and Santana work things out," he whispered. "I just want you to be happy, Brittany."

"I will be," she assured him. "I already am." She hugged him even tighter and sighed. Maybe things should have been awkward with her ex-boyfriend, but he was such a good guy and a great friend. She pulled herself from his lap and turned around, and she was immediately caught in a tight hug by Sugar.

"Okay, we're totally getting together soon, right?" Sugar asked.

"Absolutely," she nodded. "You know you can come to L.A. anytime."

"Ooh!" Sugar squealed. "Will you introduce me to really hot L.A. guys?"

"You know it," Brittany nodded with a laugh. She let go of Sugar and with a long sigh she turned to Santana.

Her heart plummeted. How many goodbyes did they have over the years? How many more could she possibly handle? It seemed like all they had was goodbyes; an endless stream of them. She didn't want one more.

* * *

_"Britt...are you scared about high school?"_

_ "No, I'm really excited. Why, are you?" Brittany rolls onto her side to face her best friend with a small frown._

_ Santana rolls her eyes and huffs. "No, of course not."_

_ But Brittany knows better. Santana might be good at lying to everyone else, but Brittany sees through it. "Okay...but if you were...you wouldn't have to be, cause it's going to be awesome. You, me, and Quinn are gonna be Cheerios and Quinn will introduce us to all the really popular cool kids."_

_ "That's what we need," Santana says slowly._

_ "What?"_

_ "To be in with the right crowd. It'll mean everything for us."_

_ "Yeah," Brittany agrees, but she's not so sure it's as important as Santana makes it seem. If __anything she just thinks it'll be fun. "Plus we'll get lots of dates."_

_ "As long as it's with the right guys, Britt. Dating some loser isn't gonna help you."_

_ "Oh Santana," Brittany sighs and closes her eyes. "I don't care I just wanna have fun, and get lots of kisses, and..." And she wants Santana to be there every step of the way. That's all she needs in life. They have been inseparable since they met in sixth grade and Brittany plans on keeping it that way. "We could go on double dates and stuff even. Wouldn't that be the best?"_

_ "Yeah..." Her friend's response doesn't sound all that thrilled, so Brittany opens her eyes to look at her._

_ "High school's going to be awesome, I just have a feeling. And you know Lord Tubbington is psychic and even he says it's going to change our lives."_

_ "Maybe I don't want our lives to change too much," Santana mutters. Her eyes fall to the bedspread between them and she picks at it. Brittany just smiles softly and reaches out to take Santana's hand in her own._

_ "Hey," she says softly. She tugs her hand until the other girl looks up at her. "We won't change." She sees into Santana's eyes, and both of them know that Brittany understood the part Santana didn't say. She links their pinkies together. "Best friends forever."_

_ A shy but happy smile slowly spreads on Santana's lips and she nods. "Yeah, Britt-Britt, best friends forever." _

_ "Nothing will change between us." Brittany closes her eyes and rests her forehead to Santana's. "I promise."_

* * *

Santana watched as Brittany turned to her, and her heart tugged painfully in her chest. It figured just when they were on the edge of working things out it would be time to go their separate ways. She kept hold of Brittany's gaze, but neither moved for a moment. The others seemed to take a silent cue, and they all stepped away to continue their goodbyes and leave the girls some privacy.

She slowly started to remember back to all the times Brittany put those arms around her, held her, kissed her. She thought about the times she pushed the affections away when she was too scared, and it made her regret missing those moments. She thought of how it felt to be wrapped in Brittany's arms again.

She forgave her. In that moment. Through all the arguing and talking and her insistence that she was over the past, it was only in that exact moment that she realized she had finally let it go. She let go of the pain from high school, the resentment, and everything that followed. As she looked into those blue, blue eyes...she only felt free. So she took that feeling, and she stepped forward, and she wrapped her arms around her Britt-Britt to hug her fiercely.

"Don't say goodbye," she whispered into Brittany's neck.

"Okay," Brittany whispered in reply, as she hugged her back.

And that hug...it felt like they were back at the beginning. Back to before everything hurt so much, before they could do anything but adore one another. It was the truest hug they had shared all weekend, and Santana savored it. She knew it might not happen again for a long time, and she knew she had to hold onto that feeling until she could see the girl again.

"Fly safe," she said. Her voice trembled slightly with other words she couldn't say, but she knew Brittany heard them. It wasn't time to say those out loud just yet, they had to find their way to them again.

* * *

_"Are you scared of college?"_

_ The words take Santana back for a moment. Back to what seems like a lifetime ago, but really has only been four years. She smiles slightly at the same question and looks up into her girlfriend's eyes. "A little," she answers honestly. She curls closer to Brittany's body where they lay on Brittany's bed, and she tucks her head against the blonde's chest._

_ "Why?" The question is soft as Brittany rubs her back and holds her._

_ "I'm not scared about college itself, just...I'm scared about us. About you staying here and me being there."_

_ "You don't have to be scared about us, honey," Brittany coos lovingly. The tone alone sends calmness through Santana. "We'll be okay." Santana feels a kiss press against the top of her head, and she wraps her arm around Brittany's waist. Brittany doesn't sound like she believes her own words and that troubles Santana._

_ "Are _you_ scared?" she asks._

_ "...no. Why would I be?" _

_ And at that something cold presses through her skin. She knows Brittany isn't being truthful, and that's not something that ever happens. Brittany doesn't lie to her. She pulls back slightly to look up and find her favorite blue eyes. "It's okay if you are, Britt."_

_ "I'm not." She leans down and kisses Santana's forehead. "Don't worry about me."_

_ "Can't help it." Santana doesn't lose the eye contact when she replies, and she watches as Brittany's eyes go a bit grayer and a bit further away from Santana and their moment. She tips her head up to catch Brittany's lips with her own, and she kisses her long and slow. She sighs when Brittany easily returns the kiss. "I'm gonna miss you so much," she whispers, unable to hide the tears cropping up in her eyes. She knows now that she can't hide anything from Brittany._

_ "I'm going to miss you, too."_

_ The response is a whisper against Santana's lips, but it fades quickly as Santana reconnects __their lips. In between soft kisses she gently eases Brittany onto her back and leans over her with quiet words. "We'll be okay...nothing will change..." Her words are to convince herself as much as Brittany and she feels Brittany's tight grip on the back of her shirt._

_ "Promise?" The question from beneath her is achingly needy, and a bit of a surprise. Usually it's Brittany that's so sure of them and their future._

_ Santana nods and wraps her fingers around the back of Brittany's neck to push their lips together harder. "Promise," her word is muffled, before getting lost in a deep and needy kiss. She has to make that promise come true, and she has to make sure her girl stays happy. That's the only thing that matters to her._

_ "I promise," she whispers again as their lips part long enough for her to pull Brittany's shirt over her head, before finding her lips again._

* * *

In an almost perfect moment between them, Brittany felt the same lift of relief and forgiveness wash over her as she hugged Santana. She too forgave everything and locked the pain of the past away in a drawer where it belonged. It felt better than good and she smiled as she hugged the brunette as tightly as she could. They would be okay. They had to be. Even if it took them five more years to be okay, if it took them ten, she knew they would be okay. And it was the first time since high school that she felt convinced of the fact without a need to hear the confirmation. Nothing would be perfect right away, and she knew that, but with time there was always a maybe in store.

She let go and squeezed Santana's arms for a moment. "Call me when you get back to New York so I know you made it?"

"Yeah, I will. As long as you text me when you get to L.A."

"Deal," Brittany smiled. She glanced over at the line for security where Puck and the others were in line waiting for her. She turned back to Santana and let go, but gave her hand one last squeeze. "We'll talk later then?" Those words meant everything, and much more. It meant that they _could_ talk later, that the door was open. It meant that was a door Brittany never wanted to close again if she could help it, and she hoped that Santana felt the same.

"We'll talk later," Santana assured with a nod and smile. A confirmation. Yes, the door was open, and yes they could be okay. Somehow, in some form, they could be okay. A confirmation that Santana was ready to try, too. Only the last of which Brittany even needed.

Brittany kissed Santana's cheek lightly and stepped away. It took a couple of backwards steps before she turned around and walked towards her friends. She wanted to look over her shoulder and take one more glance at Santana, but she knew she would be stronger if she didn't. Because everything could be okay, and they had a chance to make it so. She didn't have to look over her shoulder, or into the past anymore, because Santana was there. Santana would always be there. She had been there even when Brittany pretended she wasn't, and nothing was going to change that.

She fell into line beside Puck and behind Sam and Mercedes, and she felt Puck's arm drop over her shoulders as he leaned into her ear. "Guess Ms. Holliday worked her magic again, huh?"

Brittany blushed with a grin, as a warmth of realization settled over her. "Yeah...she did."

* * *

**A**/**N**: So yes, sadly, this is the last chapter. The story goes where it goes and I let it. That being said, there is an epilogue coming that I hope to get out within the week. There will also be a part 2 to this story; a sequel. I hope that if you've gotten this far that you've enjoyed the ride. I know I took you on a roller coaster ride of angst and tears, but unfortunately repairing broken things is never easy. The story DOES NOT end here, I promise you. You all deserve to see the happiness after the tragedy, and I had planned on it all being one story, but it feels more right to me to make them into two. Part I and Part II. Part I was the build up, and Part II is the pay off; where you get the better times you've all been waiting and asking for. I really, really hope you've stuck with this to the end and continue on to the next installment. This was the first Brittana fic I posted on here, and it holds such a special place in my heart. I know angst is not everyone's cup of tea, so thank you thank you thank you for reading. And please let me know what you think of their path up until now. I truly hope I haven't disappointed anyone so far. Love to you all.

And as always, if you wish to find me on Tumblr you can at frayedattheends.


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

"You're falling asleep."

"M'not."

"Your eyes are closed."

"Resting 'em."

Brittany smirks at the gorgeous brunette in front of her. "How can you sleep?"

"Easy, I'm tired," Santana's lips curl up into a smile while her eyes stay shut.

"I'm too excited to sleep."

"You need your rest, Britt. Tomorrow's a big day."

"It's going to be the best day," Brittany corrects. She curls up under the covers more and tucks her hand under her pillow. "Sing to me?"

"Nope."

"Pleaaase?" Her bottom lip sticks out, but Santana isn't watching.

"Don't give me that look." Then one eye slowly pops open and stares straight at the blue eyes on her. "Why don't you tell me a story?"

"Okay!" Brittany beams and watches Santana's eyes drift shut again. She reaches out to touch that beautiful face, run her fingers through lovely dark hair, but all she can do is stroke the screen of her phone as it lays facing her. She bites her lip slightly, wishing Santana were there beside her for real, but she knows it's not much longer. Sixteen hours. After four long months, only sixteen hours separate them from seeing each other again.

She sighs and watches Santana's face relax as she begins to give in to sleep. This is routine for them now. Talk before Santana goes to bed, lay beside one another, and if Brittany's tired enough they fall asleep together. The three hour time difference isn't always helpful, because she likes falling asleep as they mumble back and forth.

They haven't defined anything further than the fact that they're friends. Best friends. Starting over and rebuilding all the years they've lost. They tell each other everything and hold nothing back. Brittany loves her. Brittany loves her more than she ever though possible again, and she knows that they're going to end up together. It'll just take time. She'll pick Santana up at the airport tomorrow, and they'll take their time. They have the rest of their lives to get there after all.

"Once upon a time there lived the most beautiful princess in all the lands," Brittany begins softly. She watches the little smile lift Santana's lips. "She had a heart too big for her chest, and a witch doctor put a magic spell on it so it would shrink to normal size, but it didn't. The magic went bad and instead a spell was cast on her, and everyone thought her heart was tiny. It was all the magic would let them see. The princess was sad, and lonely, because no one could see past the spell. Then one day she met a peasant girl, a girl that no one else payed any attention to, a girl that...got lost in the shuffle-" Brittany's eyes close as Santana's open to study the girl before her. Brittany continues her story, her words going quieter.

"The peasant girl took one look at the princess and immediately saw beyond the spell. She saw what no one else could, and the princess...she gave her best attention to the peasant girl. They saw each other when the rest of the world didn't, and they took care of each other.." Brittany's words begin to slow more and fall further apart as she gets more sleepy.

"Did the peasant girl fall in love?" Santana murmurs, still watching Brittany.

"Mhmm. She fell so in love that her heart wanted to burst, but she had to break the spell on the princess before they could be together, so she tried and tried and tried. She waited a very long time. She had no choice in it, because her heart wouldn't let her not wait. It wasn't always easy, and sometimes they both cried, but one day the spell broke."

"How?"

Brittany opens her eyes with a smile. "Stop asking questions, I'm getting there." Santana presses her lips shut and nods. Brittany starts again.

"You see, the peasant girl realized that the princess needed to look into her mirror, for it was enchanted. She had to look into her mirror and see past the spell herself before it would break." She fades off, an ache starting to pull inside of her. Not a bad one, but an ache all the same.

"Did she?"

"It took many attempts, but the princess finally saw. She saw that her heart wasn't tiny at all, it was big and lovely, and it contained so much love. The spell broke, and she was able to see that all of that love was waiting to be given to the peasant girl. The peasant girl sensed it, so when the princess ran to meet her they found each other halfway. The princess told her that she loved her and the peasant girl, so happy that the princess had finally broken her own spell, told her she loved her back. They kissed, and kissed, and kissed..."

"And lived happily ever after?"

Brittany hums, closing her eyes again. She can feel sleep pulling at her more. "First they made love in the field, all day and all night, and then...then they lived happily ever after."

Silence falls between the women as they both lay with their eyes shut, breathing in sync.

"I love that story," Santana whispers.

"Me too," Brittany whispers back.

"Tell me again when I'm there?"

"Mm-hmm."

Night, Britt."

"Night, San."

They both drift off with easy smiles on their faces, and anticipation of the day – all of the days – to follow.

_Fin_

* * *

(youtube) /watch?v=Soh3r4WRPyY

_A thousand times I've seen you standing_  
_Gravity like a lunar landing_  
_Make me want to run till I find you_  
_I shut the world away from here_  
_Drift to you, you're all I hear_  
_Everything we know fades to black_

_Half the time the world is ending_  
_Truth is I am done pretending_

_I never thought that I had anymore to give_  
_Pushing me so far_  
_Here I am without you_  
_Drink to all that we have lost_  
_Mistakes we have made_  
_Everything will change_  
_But love remains the same_

_Find the place where we escape_  
_Take you with me for a space_  
_The city buzz, sounds just like a fridge_  
_I walk the streets through seven bars_  
_I had to find just where you are_  
_The faces seems to blur, they're all the same_

_Half the time the world is ending_  
_Truth is I am done pretending_

_I never thought that I had anymore to give_  
_Pushing me so far_  
_Here I am without you_  
_Drink to all that we have lost_  
_Mistakes we have made_  
_Everything will change_  
_But love remains the same_

_So much more to say_  
_So much to be done_  
_Don't you trick me out_  
_We shall overcome_  
_So all have stayed in place_  
_We should have had the sun_  
_Could have been inside_  
_Instead we're over here_

_Half the time the world is ending_  
_Truth is I am done pretending_  
_Too much time, too long defending_  
_You and I are done pretending_

_I never thought that I had anymore to give_  
_Pushing me so far_  
_Here I am without you_  
_Drink to all that we have lost_  
_Mistakes we have made_  
_Everything will change_  
_Everything will change_

_I, oh I, I _  
_wish this could last forever_  
_I, oh I, I_  
_As if we could last forever_

_Love remains the same_  
_Love remains the same_

_-Gavin Rossdale_

Keep your eyes out for the sequel, **Worth Fighting For**.


End file.
